It Happened. Now What?

[mytai]

@Echo, I actually emailed an apology to my T. I apologized for my snarky response, also told her that I was saying it because I feel overly sensitive to people's comments, but that I still shouldn't have taken it out on her and I want to keep my appointments.

No time off work until Tuesday, then I'm off for 3 full days for New Years. I don't go back to work until later in the afternoon on Friday after my therapy appointment, and follow-up at the hospital. Everyone is on holidays at the office here so it's just me manning the phones and problems. New Years I will be going home to my parents place for a party (not anywhere remotely close to my uncle), and getting completely drunk. I feel like I need it. I'm not a big drinker, maybe once or twice a year. But I feel like I need this to relax and forget for a few days.

The SA nurse at the hospital offered to write me a sick note, but I passed on it because I know that I'm the only one in town right now to cover the office. At least I have free time to be on here at work, and I'm allowed to use my computer. Not everyone has that ability.

 

[Abstract]

I don't know if you read that thread that is on the board about what helps recovery but the author (invisible heroes) suggested that one of the most helpful things immediately post trauma is massage.

She was saying that anything that can calm and slow the body down is very helpful and can reduce the traumatising effects of it. I think it's a good sign you want a massage. Good touch cancelling out bad.

As for you t. Think back to your whole relationship with her. Visualise that. She cares very much about you. I totally agree with digger about how a lot of things are going to be a trauma at present. Be really patient with yourself and give yourself time.

 

[Echo]

That sounds like a beautiful idea. And the touch will be so different and healing. I recently had to go to my male chiropractor. I was terrified about it, but I was in a state and had no option. I was very scared that it would just throw me into flashbacks (not much doesn't at the moment), but when it came to it, and I explained very, very briefly what was going on for me and that that might happen, he was so sweet and respectful and gentle. It made all the difference and seemed to give me my edges back for a while. I guess listening to your body is absolutely the right way to go. You do need love and security and physical reassurance in whatever way you can cope with at the moment. Maybe you can do something along those lines for yourself beforehand, if you've got any massage oils or nicely scented body lotions. A sort of start on reclaiming your body.

 

[Abstract]

I know that I'm the only one in town right now to cover the office.

I used to be like this. I now see it as being overly conciousness because if how I was trained at home. The world won't stop if they are short and don't have anyone to cover. Imagine what your bosses would say if they knew the situation. This is more important than anything else and you are allowed to put you first.

I hope you know that all of that is said with kindness and understanding as I have been there too.

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/hope-for-the-holidays-yes-ptsd-is-curable.38946/

 

[mytai]

The world won't stop if they are short and don't have anyone to cover.

The world won't stop, but I am responsible for the staff going out and selling, and managing them. So if I'm not there, then the our office doesn't make money that day.

 

[mytai]

She was saying that anything that can calm and slow the body down is very helpful and can reduce the traumatising effects of it. I think it's a good sign you want a massage. Good touch cancelling out bad.

I have never heard of that before, it's interesting. I'm a member of a massage business where you get a discounted rate, but you agree to go at least once a month. So I didn't go in December so I have two that I need to use for January.

If I think there is a potential I may cry, which has happened a few times in the past while receiving a massage, I tell them to please just ignore it and continue with it - I will tell them to stop if it is actually too much. I usually give them a heads up if I think it is highly likely to happen. Like this time, I'm actually hoping for that release.

 

[Abstract]

Sounds wonderful. Well done. I hope you get release from it. I posted the link in case you want to read.

As for work - I know the feeling. In fact I was manager and the business would not even have opened without me. There would have been staff hanging around outside tying to get in. Would I continue straight after a truama now? Not any possibility of that. I remember going in vomiting on the train too from a virus. That wouldn't happen either. There are more important things than one or two days for a business. Like your well being. You are important.

 

[mytai]

@Abstract I can see where you are coming from with your response. I'm not at that point yet, I'm a people pleaser, sometimes to my detriment. We are a brand new office, only a few months old. The managers and myself are all in our 20's so we have a lot to prove.

 

[Abstract]

You will get there. It can't be done in a day. What I will say though is to work at it as I feel it has changed my life. You can throw off what family and parents have taught you.

The interesting is that on a professional front I get treated with way more respect and am given even more credit and acknowledgement. I really recommend a book when you get the energy to read. It's called "nice girls don't get the corner office". Its not trying to stop anyone from being nice and is rather about being an adult and doing business accordingly. Easy to read. Well organised.

I can see you building a whole new life for yourself. :) I see what you did last night as another important step at taking care of you. Even though it was so hard.

 

[mytai]

My T responded back to my apology email with "No problem, I understand." That response helps me to see that I saw her initial email 100% through my emotions. Ugh.

@Abstract, I will look that book up, especially being the youngest in the office (23), and also the only female. The guys do respect me, but I think it would be an interesting read.

Today is a roller coaster.

 

[Echo]

Yes, like @Abstract I think you've turned a corner. Something in you rose up and said, "I want support and help" and you listened to it and acted. You wouldn't have even come onto this forum for help, had that not been the case. We can't do everything all at once, but it is good to see the next step ahead. I keep finding that I feel I can't do something, and then suddenly I find myself doing it from some kind of point of reclaimed power. I think it has something to do with working through fear. I don't think I know that I am doing it at the time, but what was once impossible (or seemed to be) suddenly is doable and right and the fear falls away afterwards. Thank goodness for this community; I wish I had had something like this when awful things happened to me. Finding people who understand and are talking a similar language is such a fantastic thing.

 

[mytai]

@Echo, I don't know what is was this time that made me go. They asked me at the hospital if it was the first time I went in for a rape kit for the ongoing abuse (it was, gone in for bruises/suspected broken bone but not a rape kit). I couldn't answer them, because I don't really know why this time was different.

Maybe I wanted to give myself an option to go to the police with evidence later, or maybe it was another reason. I really don't know. All I know is that it took a lot out of me. I feel like my mind and body are in a million pieces right now. I physically hurt so much right now. The burn/brand, my hips and knees, my back (which feels like one wrong motion and it will go out). Up until this point I've been pretty physically numb to any potential pain. But after last night/early this morning at the hospital I'm feeling it all.

Not used to this. I'm used to being numb for days or weeks.