It Happened. Now What?

[Echo]

@mytai, I don't know either. Maybe it is some kind of need to face it in a different way. This may be utterly wrong, but now that my suppressed memories have emerged and the numb state I've been in (without knowing it) for so many years has stopped - though it comes back temporarily with retraumatising and after flashbacks, etc. - I, too, am really feeling such a lot of pain physically. It seems to be related to the pain I blanked out when the assaults happened to me. Maybe it is that I am finally allowing myself to feel it gradually. And what it does, it seems to me, is to make me realise just what has been stolen from me and what crimes have been committed against me. I can no longer even remotely think, "it wasn't all that bad," or "I've got over it," or "it doesn't seem to affect me like other people." I guess that's what PTSD and CPTSD are all about in part - reconnecting you to your body and its natural outrage at being treated like that. I don't know your history, other than what you've written here on this thread, but maybe you want at some level to stay with it in order to get over it in a different way, and be strong and save yourself completely this time. Not that we weren't strong before; just a different way of dealing with it. Maybe it is a sign that you have dealt with parts of what has previously happened to you and you are building on those. Apologies, if I don't make any sense or if this is all just a wild guess. I'm really only finding my way and am not at all as knowledgeable as some other people on here.

 

[littlelostchild]

@mytai I have just caught up on the thread. I am overwhelmed by your bravery! I am so proud of you for going to the hospital - I agree with the others that you have turned a corner even during these past couple of days and are beginning to look after your needs. That took so much guts to do and it is really hard today, but you did it and you got supported through it by the nurses and woman who came to help you at 1:30. You advocated for yourself and got what you needed.

You also recognized that you wanted to communicate again with your T, you have booked a massage to help you release some of the emotions you are feeling, you are on the forum, you took the food that you knew would help you through today, you have put so much into place to look after yourself.

You are amazing Mytai!

 

[Abstract]

There is no doubt at all that having the exam is going to make it harder at present. It may also be that you speaking to us through it all has made you be more present. I wouldn't blame you if you feel angry at having gone in but I have to say that I still see it as a sign that you are at a point of starting to stand up for yourself. Having a trauma and doing what you did is hard and it is normal :( for things to be very bad for bit.

It should give you the first concrete thing to protect yourself in the future though and you have also proved to yourself that many people think you are important and deserve protection. I can guarantee that that arrogant idiot is counting on you being too traumatised to do anything and just having done it is a victory over him.

Maybe that can cancel out some of the unfeeling reactions you have had in the past. I think it's important to let that in as trauma harms our world view. Think of the kind nurses and the woman who accompanied you. Let that in so that it helps your healing.

 

[mytai]

@littlelostchild I don't feel brave, I feel broken, and damaged, and dirty right now. Not in the least bit brave. Everything I'm doing now I feel like I'm doing it out of fear. Going to the hospital - fear that I could be pregnant among others. Communicating with my T after being snarky and cancelling all my appointments - fear that she might actually dump me as a client like several other T's. Going for a massage - fear that if I don't the emotions will just build until I blow and kill myself. Eating the food - fear of puking.

 

[mytai]

@Abstract, I honestly don't remember what it feels like to get truly angry. I regret my choice a bit just because I was numb before and now I'm not.

 

[Echo]

@mytai, but all those things that you are doing out of fear are all aimed at doing good things for yourself. Making sure you're not pregnant, etc., holding on to a good relationship with your therapist; stopping yourself vomiting up the pill. Brave people are people who are scared and/or terrified but still act in a positive way or face a challege.

 

[Abstract]

I think its normal to regret it. At present you are dealing with the aftermath. The thing to keep in mind is what it would be like to have another traumatic event happen. Or end up pregnant. Thats the only reason that this was the right thing to do. It has to stop. Lt yourself feel regret for doing it if you need to.

I know compliments used to make me feel worse not better. The present is what is and the main thing is to be as kind to yourself as possible and give yourself time.

 

[digger]

Echoing @Echo - bravery is not the absence of fear, it is doing the things you need to do even though you are afraid.

 

[mytai]

The thing to keep in mind is what it would be like to have another traumatic event happen. Or end up pregnant.

The kid would be completely screwed up because of it being within the family. Not to mention it would screw me up if I was pregnant from this. Probably the one time I wouldn't think twice about getting an abortion, for the child's sake.

I think the lady from the sexual assault centre might have forgotten she said she was going to call me tonight. She said she would call between 8 and 10pm... it's almost 10pm now. I hope she calls, really need to talk.

 

[mytai]

So the lady from the sexual assault centre never called tonight. :( I can't call her because I don't have her contact info, she has mine. I really thought she would call.

 

[Pietro]

You put the needs of your family above your own needs and your safety was sacrificed. Until you learn to put yourself first, your healing journey will be rocky and slow going. A big question is why you are putting everyone else's needs before yours? We need to put ourselves first and I don't see that happening.

This is often a coping mechanism for dealing with abuse -- a learned behavior for survival. Obviously, it's not ideal, but it's not something that changes overnight. It takes a lot of work and therapy just to recognize and accept that the dynamic is occurring, let alone to change it.

 

[mytai]

Back to the hospital I go. Called a thing called Telehealth tonight. It's registered nurses. Based on medical stuff that has come up since I left there this morning they said I need to go in. Either take a cab or they would call an ambulance.

So I'm in a cab on my way back. Feeling very anxious and upset. No support again tonight unless the hospital is able to arrange something.