It Happened. Now What?

[mytai]

My escape from reality was short lived. I drank enough that I relaxed and had "fun" with people I knew. Came quickly back into the reality of what has happened when I woke up this morning. I'm at my parents until tomorrow when I drive home, then Friday begins a stream of what I'm going to guess will be very emotionally draining appointments, then work for a few hours.

The burn still isn't looking good. It's starting to look worse actually, on top of the weeping, the black skin has started to tear off leaving very raw green/black/white skin underneath. The edges started going red which is a sign of infection. Guess I will see what the nurses say on Friday.

Emotionally and mentally I'm not holding up well at all. I'm putting on a show for family right now, which is making me extremely tired. I just don't know what to do right now.

 

[Echo]

@mytai, I'm glad you had a bit of downtime with your friends. You say you don't know what to do right now. If you didn't have to consider anyone else, what would you really like to do? You've done so much being brave. I hope you really do get some time where you can just put yourself first.

And I know it might sound repetitive but that wound of yours does sound like it needs to have someone look at it as soon as possible. Don't let an infection get out of control. You really don't need that as well. I don't want to be alarmist, but I've seen that happen and it is not good. Sorry if I sound bossy.

 

[mytai]

@Echo, I'm aware it needs to be looked at, that is one thing I can admit to right now. You aren't coming across as bossy, I know you're just concerned. I know burns get infected very easily, so I'm trying to do what I can for home care until Friday. I honestly can't handle a hospital trip right now. Friday is almost here.

If I didn't have to consider anyone else, what would I really like to do... nothing good that's for sure.

Honestly speaking Echo, right now if I didn't have to consider one other person in my life and how my decisions or actions would affect them, I would choose to end my life. I have enough dilaudid, anti-depressants, and alcohol to mix that would do that for me. I'm sure I should mention this plan and active thought to my T on Friday, reluctant to because of what it might mean for me... My level of depression is going up and down like a roller coaster. One minute I'm just depressed and numb, the next I'm actively thinking of when and how to carry out my plan.

 

[macca]

Mytai - I'm so, so sorry. This has been...a horrific experience, repeatedly. I have only just caught up on this thread. You have done so blindingly, brilliantly well so far. I know it must be feeling impossible to pick yourself up and keep going, but that is what you must do. This hell will not last forever, and you don't have to be dead for it to end. I have been struggling with up and down SI too lately, (and most of my life), though I know my circumstances in no way translate to yours. What I know is - if you can just hold on, even minute by minute through the urges when they are bad, they will ease up. Yes, they might come back again. But you have to hold on, again. Ride the waves. You'll reach the beach eventually. It sounds like you've managed to do amazing things recently in regards to starting to try and rescue yourself. I think you might succeed. I really do. Try and tell your T. You deserve to survive, and you deserve support. Whatever that means, it means. Thinking of you, and with you in my mind on Friday.

 

[Echo]

@mytai, I'm sure you're doing the best you can with your wound. At least you'll soon be home now and be able to rest it.

You've been through, and fought your way through, such an appalling time. And every step of the way you've taken such brave decisions, so I know, despite all the horror, that you want to survive. Please let that part of you talk to your therapist about your darkest feelings, even if it means writing them to her, like you've done here, perhaps at a moment when you're feeling slightly less bad.

You're going to feel exhausted when you get home after putting on a brave face for everyone. I hope you can get lots of rest before you go into hospital. Cuddle up with your cat. And please just continue taking one small step at a time to look after yourself. You are doing brilliantly well and it will get better. Your therapist will be there totally for you in just a few more days. And as soon as you're back at the hospital, I hope you'll find the kindness and concern of the nurses keeps you going, hour-by-hour, too.

 

[mytai]

@macca, I will try to tell my T tomorrow.

@Echo, So much for resting it. It got aggravated pretty bad today. On my way home from my parents I got into a car accident (just me, no other cars involved). Hit a patch of black ice on the highway and went into the concrete median in the centre. No serious injuries, no serious damage to my car (needs both driver side wheels replaced, no body damage other than some minor scratches). Honestly don't know how such little damage happened to my car, probably because I didn't over compensate when the car started to lose traction.

I felt calm the entire time the car was sliding and I was trying to avoid hitting the semi-truck next to me and involving any other cars. Didn't cry until after I realized I was ok (alive). I was hoping that this accident would lead to my death... sorry, but it's true.

Then I did what any stupid person like myself would do once I finally got home after the report, towing, and getting a rental car... and I cleaned my entire apartment. Mainly because I knew once morning hit I will feel the full effects of being in an accident and will not be able to do a whole heck of a lot. So I swept, did dishes, cleaned the cats litter box, cleaned the rat's cage, vacuumed, washed the counters, put laundry away, took the trash down to the garbage chute, tidied up my room a bit... Brilliant right?

At least I had a massage already booked for morning, I'm going to need it. Tomorrow is a day from hell for me. Massage, therapy, and sexual assault nurse follow up... Therapy may involved me also disclosing to my T that I am very suicidal and have an active plan.

 

[Echo]

Hi @mytai, I do hope you've had a better day - better in the sense that you've had appropriate support. I'm not surprised you are so up and down; how could you not be? Even though you obviously feel so appalling at times, you are still doing so much that is positive and life-affirming, and things will get better.

This man will never be able to do this to you again. You are too strong now. I hope he'll never be able to do it to anyone else ever again.

I felt these awful feelings, as I am sure many of us did, immediately after our rapes and abuse, but despite the PTSD or CPTSD, there is a life for you, as there has been for me. It may not be perfect, and it isn't, but it is my life and I create it with my own values. I will never sink to the level of my abusers. You are vastly better than this man and have many positive things to offer to the world and to yourself.

 

[zaniara]

Oh! Good to hear that you didn't have a worse accident when the car slid off like that! :eek: (Maybe something or someone wants you alive? ;) :) ) Crossing my fingers you have a good session with your therapist tomorrow. (maybe today where you are?) :hug:

 

[mytai]

@Echo, don't want to sound constantly negative, but I didn't have a better day today. It was rough. I had the massage appointment this morning. Almost managed to relax enough to fall asleep but it ended right before I dozed off. Haven't slept in days.

@zaniara, In terms of therapy I had a good session with my T today. I managed to actually verbalize what happened to me in point form during the two separate abuse incidents (or what I could remember). That's a first for me. I had written a point form letter to bring with me to read from in case I struggled. But I'm still feeling so detached from my life that it was like I wasn't even talking about something that happened to me but something I saw on tv/read in a book. No personal feelings regarding it at all, very emotionally numb.

Backed out of telling my T in person about the suicidal thoughts/plan, but I did email her after and tell her.

The appointment with the sexual assault nurse went ok I guess. She checked the burn, said it looks like it might be in the beginning stages of infection so I'm going back Sunday morning at 8am to see a doctor in the urgent care there. She kept asking how I was emotionally, I said I was ok (don't know why, because I'm far from it). The SA nurse asked several times if I have been having thoughts of hurting myself/suicide, I eventually answered yes but that I was ok. She didn't seem overly convinced by my answer, but left it alone and told me to call her or which ever SA nurse is on call to talk if that changed.

 

[mytai]

My T and I got on the topic of pregnancy because I told her the hospital gave me the Plan B pills (morning after pills), because I didn't want to be pregnant from these assaults. My T made the comment that when I'm pregnant I would want it to be in a loving relationship. I shook my head no. My T asked why I was shaking my head. I told her that I don't think I ever want to be pregnant or have kids anymore. She thinks the reason is just that I've gone through a miscarriage from rape before and that was traumatic, and that's why. That may be part of the reason, but it isn't the main one.

I can't picture ever being with someone anymore. I used to think about the day I'd find someone that loved me, and we would get married eventually and have kids. Pretty much up until the middle of this past year (2013). That has changed, especially with the most recent assaults. I have no desire to be with anyone, get married, or have kids. I just don't. I don't want to have sex with someone, I can't ever imagine it being anything but torture to me, something I put up with for the sake of the other...

 

[Echo]

Hi @mytai, I'm glad you're back in the rhythm of seeing your therapist now and that you were brave enough to write to her. Step-by-step, you keep doing the right thing to help yourself. You will be very proud of yourself when you look back on it all. It is pretty well impossible to keep positive when you've had such things happen to you and you are emotionally numb, which is your system's way of protecting you, as you will know, from previous times. Just keep taking one day at a time.

How are you feeling about going back to work? Do you think it will help you now to have that structure?

Hoping the best for you, Echo

 

[Echo]

@mytai, re your post about pregnancy and marriage. You may find things change over time. Don't put any pressure on yourself. Allow yourself the space and time to heal. The focus needs to be on you for the time being.

I didn't want anyone near me for seven years after my last rape; I just couldn't get my head around it, and then one day it changed.

I need a long time to heal after relationship splits, but there are lovely men out there, too, with whom love-making is nothing like rape. I now just don't see them as the same thing at all. For me rape is torture and is about power and domination. Making love with someone you love is just something else entirely. But you don't need to do anything about it until your body wants it, even if it is years down the line. A man who respects, cares for you and loves you won't rush you into anything. It takes me a while to trust someone but then I am always surprised by the force of the natural urges that come up. And for me, that in itself has been healing. Replacing good memories with bad ones gradually.

Who knows what you will decide and who you will meet. Concentrate on you and your friends for the time being and just let that come if and when it does.