Woodsforthetrees
Learning
I feel so awful writing this. I've wrestled with it every four years or so and end up restricting or in hospital. My memory of it is still not clear.
I think someone tried to assault me in my sleep. I woke up and they seemed to be asleep and grunted when I said if they tried it again I would hurt them. I don't even know who it was as we were all asleep at a party and it was pitch black, although I have an idea. I couldn't lie there so I left and sat outside, freezing cold, until the sun came up. My parents had told me not to bother coming home the day before so I had nowhere to go and just sat. I can't remember if I cried.
I often think I must have dreamt it or made it up. I told no-one. Eventually it came back up and told my boyfriend at the time. He was generally abusive (I didn't know it at the time) and said he didn't understand how I couldn't be sure, it either happened or it didn't, I couldn't go around making false allegations and not to tell anyone. I started crying and he told me to sort myself out and left me alone in the house. He would often wake me up by touching me and I absolutely hated it but he would protest if I refused or wore pyjamas to bed which I think made it more difficult. He expected me to available at all times.
I left him but it's come back up again as I struggle to have a physical relationship with my current partner (who is lovely). He knows and respects my boundaries.
A part of me thinks that it wouldn't keep coming up if it was just a dream but I have no way of knowing what was real. I don't remember it clearly enough and I just think I must be an awful person and over dramatic. I was obviously motivated not to stay where I was and not to sleep but that doesn't mean it was real. It tears me up inside. I've started talking in my sleep and asking my partner not to come anywhere near me. He doesn't know if he should sleep on the sofa or not because he wants me to feel safe.
I have had lots of therapy over the years but have never raised it because I don't want to be judged again or find out that I have made it all up and lived with something that isn't true. If it happens in your sleep how do you know? Is this common? I can't find anything about being unsure all I can find is "what it means if you dream of assault" but I don't think it was a dream. I feel like I can feel and hear the zip of my trousers but that could be all in my head too. Even if I could convince myself it was a dream I feel it would go away but I can't.
I think someone tried to assault me in my sleep. I woke up and they seemed to be asleep and grunted when I said if they tried it again I would hurt them. I don't even know who it was as we were all asleep at a party and it was pitch black, although I have an idea. I couldn't lie there so I left and sat outside, freezing cold, until the sun came up. My parents had told me not to bother coming home the day before so I had nowhere to go and just sat. I can't remember if I cried.
I often think I must have dreamt it or made it up. I told no-one. Eventually it came back up and told my boyfriend at the time. He was generally abusive (I didn't know it at the time) and said he didn't understand how I couldn't be sure, it either happened or it didn't, I couldn't go around making false allegations and not to tell anyone. I started crying and he told me to sort myself out and left me alone in the house. He would often wake me up by touching me and I absolutely hated it but he would protest if I refused or wore pyjamas to bed which I think made it more difficult. He expected me to available at all times.
I left him but it's come back up again as I struggle to have a physical relationship with my current partner (who is lovely). He knows and respects my boundaries.
A part of me thinks that it wouldn't keep coming up if it was just a dream but I have no way of knowing what was real. I don't remember it clearly enough and I just think I must be an awful person and over dramatic. I was obviously motivated not to stay where I was and not to sleep but that doesn't mean it was real. It tears me up inside. I've started talking in my sleep and asking my partner not to come anywhere near me. He doesn't know if he should sleep on the sofa or not because he wants me to feel safe.
I have had lots of therapy over the years but have never raised it because I don't want to be judged again or find out that I have made it all up and lived with something that isn't true. If it happens in your sleep how do you know? Is this common? I can't find anything about being unsure all I can find is "what it means if you dream of assault" but I don't think it was a dream. I feel like I can feel and hear the zip of my trousers but that could be all in my head too. Even if I could convince myself it was a dream I feel it would go away but I can't.