Relationship It Might Be Time To Throw In My Cards....

[glass half full]

I might be able to explain this a bit. When I have a terrible thing in life, I dread people asking "...

Thank you Mr. Smith. This is a greater gift to me than you know- he's got depression along with his PTSD, so I would expect that he's had many days along the lines if what you've just described. And it helps for me to know what that can kind of be like. I will read your message many times, you can be sure of that.

I've suspected that some of his lack of communication has been to prevent saying things he doesn't really want to. Example- last fall he sent me an email dumping me. Totally out of the blue. The last time I'd talked to him before that email, he'd told me he loved me more ardently than I'd ever heard it said before. After I got over the shock I had to wonder- which was the bullshit? Telling me he loved me or breaking it off? I came to the conclusion that breaking it off was the bullshit and called him on it. Anyway- short story long- when he went silent in February it was right smack in the process of moving back toward the kind of relationship we'd had before he pulled the BS. And I'd deliberately let him take the lead and set the speed in doing that. I don't know what freaked him out enough to pull the plug last fall, but I do believe that he is a smart enough man to know he doesn't want to do that again. If he does do it again I will be gone and there will be no going back.

I dont flatter myself that if he is doing what you described above- and I'd bet my paycheck that's been part if his experience lately- I'm not a big piece of what's swirling in his head- but its probably all mushed together, isn't it?

While I get what you're saying- I still believe that he has chosen not to at least say- hey I'm ok- more than once in all this time. I really am low maintenance and he knows it. Well, ok, he knows it when he's thinking straight. I've been told that my predecessors were a much more demanding lot than I am, so I have been the exception in his experience.

I'm still not walking away. I'm putting the hair shirt I've been wearing (joke...) out to the curb for trash day. I can't fix this. I can't wheedle him into emailing me, or taking to me. I can say that of the three expressions I heard him say most often- I always want to be better- is number two. I think I have to let go and let him find his own way out of where ever he is right now and hope that he also finds his way back to me. I'm not going anywhere, but I have to let go.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Supporters are allowed to be pissed off, hurt, or done, even if their sufferer's symptoms are the cause of it.

A lot of supporters seem to think PTSD symptoms justify any number of crap treatments. If they tolerate it, their sufferer will love them for it. It's not a good situation. Being a martyr won't fix anything.

 

[glass half full]

Supporters are allowed to be pissed off, hurt, or done, even if their sufferer's symptoms are the cau...

Good! I'm glad to hear that because I've been pissed off, angry, hurt, irritated, scared, sad, happy, madly in love, ready to push him out of a moving car- even though he was driving, heading down the road to walk away from this mess, ready to fight for what I want to my last breath, ready to throw in my hand and did I leave anything out? LOL!!!

Gawd, I hope I haven't played the martyr much. That's usually my mom's gig...

 

[Sweetpea76]

We as supporters have to keep that in check. I think a lot of us naturally have that personality... generous, selfless, what have you. It lends itself easily to codependency.

 

[glass half full]

Supporters are allowed to be pissed off, hurt, or done, even if their sufferer's symptoms are the cau...

PS- if I ever see or speak to this man again (insert smiley emoticon- for some reason the stock emojis on my phone aren't picked up) I certainly hope never to fall into the trap of confusing the person with the symptoms. I have ADD and have been on meds for many years. I had no tolerance for frustration and was often a complete ass to many of family members. With meds that became so much less of a problem, but I owned what I had done and made a commitment to those I most took it out on to do my best never to treat then that way again.and I pretty much haven't. I understand what was symptom and what was/is me. I think I can grasp that with others after a little practice. This little fact about me probably has a lot to do with being willing to go the extra distance in being forgiving of others quirks.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Well said @glass half full !