It Must Be Me How Can I Change?

[Leah Morgan]

so here goes... I feel completely alone. I loose everyone in my life the only thing I can think of is the common denominator is me. So it all started when I was 6 my dad left for another woman he came back twice but the third time my mum kicked him out. I was 9 when he finally left. And since then I have never kept any sort of relationship long term.

My mum started to date my teacher she was his teaching assistant and 13 year his senior. awkward! He left when I was 11. I fell out with my best friend she made a new friend and they ditched me, ouch I had been her best friend since I was 7. I got bullied by them and had to move classes.

Mum met my step dad and dad met my step mum. Both got married when I was 11. Introducing my step sisters to my life.
I did not get on with my step dad very well he was so strict I know he loves me now but then I didn't.
When I turned 12 we went on a holiday to France my step sister brought a friend. They sexually abused me. I told my mum sister and step dad. They didn't believe me. And I was left sharing a room and experienced repeated abuse. My mother did not believe me the bottom fell out of my world.

I was known as the liar of the family the one who could not be trusted. My sister hated me because I caused so many arguments.

And they were awful I can remember physically fighting my parents because they said I was a liar. I can remember being continually grounded so I could not maintain friendships as I was never allowed out.

At 14 I took to locking myself in my room well putting the chest of draws infront of my door, my mum put a stop to that. So I was left to the mercy of my step sisters attentions when ever she visited or holidayed together.

I started to self harm. Mum got me counselling due to my behaviour. I was adamant to the Councellor I was being abused. My mum stopped my counselling I wasn't behaving any better. I was bullied by several people and called a yeti. (I cut my hair short as an act of rebellion I was called ugly). I never really had a boyfriend until 16.

After a while I did really act out after all I was being punished anyway why not actually do something to earn the punishment and enjoy myself. So I stole my sisters ID and got a tatoo I started smoking and drinking sneaking outand self harming badly I even ran away twice. Staying with friends. Needless to stay I felt my whole family hated me. Dad was around much his visits got more infrequent.

I went to uni to escape I moved 300 miles away. I continued to self harm and was put on antidepressants. I actually realised I was smart. So I got a good degree, I made some friends at uni but I was still seen as the unstable scarred one. My best friend a boy went from being a friend to wanting and taking me for sex. I severed all contact. The others weren't lasting either. I met my husband in my second year. The year my sister came out the closet as a lesbian. Of course I knew this already.

I stopped self harming, I moved in with my husband I got a 2:1 bsc Biology. I went to teacher training at another uni. And became one of the youngest teachers in the UK. This was something I was good at.

I got married taught had two children and was relatively happy for 6 years. I threw my all into my job my husband worked two jobs I looked after the kids mostly by myself.

I got a new job 18 months ago and made two amazing friends. At this job several children disclosed abuse and self harm that started to bring everything back. Then I lost it when A young girl of 14 became fixated on me. I have spiralled ever since. Returning to self harm. Having nightmares flashbacks panic attacks bed wetting heightened startle reflex and numbness or fear. Pushing my family away. My husband says he doesn't trust me anymore well that's nothing new right I'm used to not being trusted. We are going to try marriage counselling but I can help feeling I've blown it again.

My two best friends have been very supportive, and promised they weren't going anywhere I almost believed them.

One of them has started to ignore me a lot and seems to regret saying she would be there for me. So I am stopping bothering her. The other still insists she won't go anywhere but for my own protection I'm giving up on this one too. I can't bear to lose any one else. My grandma died in February she was the only person who completely loved and trusted me no matter what and now I have lost that.

Since confronting my mother and step dad and the "coincidence" of my step sister coming out of the closet they actually now believe me. But I don't trust them. I am so alone in this world I don't know why I don't deserve to be loved or like. The must be an inherent flaw in my character.

If it weren't for my children I would give up after all what is a life when no one likes you.

 

[intheprocess]

There is a reason you are in the world. You can go to counseling, be a strong survivor who has experienced the worst and help others. That's my thought.

 

[twinkle30]

How is your father leaving your fault? He made bad choices not you. I am sorry your family did not believe you. Before PTSD I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and all of my so called friends except one left. My first relationship with a man was an abusive one. After that I have meet several men who wanted to repeat the pattern but I left those relationships before it got bad. I could say oh it's my fault I keep meeting these jerks but it's not. Some people just have bad luck. There are good people out there though. Keep being a good person and don't let people get you jaded because if you do they win. If you want to PM feel free to.

 

[Friday]

You're not responsible for other people's romantic relationships. Not your father & mother's, or her boyfriends or later husband. Ditto, you had absolutely no control over who the members of your family or origin are. None of us have control over that. You don't choose your family. There's no common denominator there.

I didn't have a normal childhood, I moved around all the time, but for folks who remain stationary? It's normal for friends to shift at least once in elementary school, usually a drastic shift in middle school, and often a couple shifts in highschool. All part of normal development as children grow. Whether they're from healthy childhoods, or not, we change a whole helluva lot over 12 years. It's exceptionally rare for children to remain in the same circle of friends for over a decade. So while you had a lot of heavy stuff going on? Friends coming and going isn't really your "fault" there, either.

Sounds like by college, you were really coming into your own. You not only made friends in college (a lot of people don't, although for those who do? Most lose touch with most if not all within a couple years, as lives diverge in different directions), but got yourself out of a bad relationship, met/ fell in love/ married your husband. Started a family. Worked hard at your career / added colleagues.

I guess I'm just not hearing a whole lot of loss, per se. Abuse, certainly. But from reading it seems as if your consistently adding healthy relationships, while moving away from unhealthy ones. That would be a good trend, yes?