It Must Be Nice To Have A Mom

[AngelaMarie]

Most of the time I try not to think about the hole that has been in my life from not having parents. I try to tell my self that it's okay. It isn't my fault. Alot of people deal with the same thing. Today it was very hard. My neighbor and friend went to pick up her Mom from the airport today. The women is 83 and comes from Brazil to see her daughter and grandchildren. My bio-mom didn't even want me when I was in the same room with her. I know it's silly that I feel like that abandoned liittle girl again when I am 46, but it just brings it all back. Also, knowing those boys have a grandmother that loves them and mine have none.:cry:

I just had to share because I feel so alone and so sad for my boys. Also, I feel so guilty that they don't have others that love them the way I do. Sometimes life just doesn't seem so fair!!:cry::cry:

 

[Sazza]

I'm So sorry it must be really hard for you, I don't claim to know what it must feel like as I can only imagine. I don't really know what to say I just wanted to reach out to you as you ate struggling today. It's understandable to have days where it gets to you, your boys are lucky to have you that loves them, they may not have grandparent figure but they have your love and you have there's. I know that doesn't take your pain away but while your feeling like you do take comfort in the love you do have and acknowledged it's ok to Feel sad about circumstances.

Thinking of you

Sazza

 

[ruffdeal]

Thats a tough one,i've been staring at this computer for an hour wanting to respond but not knowing what to say.Lifes not fair and we can't fix some things but you have,your kids have you and thats a hundred percent improvement you made in thier lives.

 

[KP the nut]

(((HUGS)))

AngelaMarie, I am sorry you didn't have that relationship. Try and take some comfort that you are building that sort of relationship with your boys.

When you are 83, you can fly in and visit them :D

 

[NIKI]

Hi AngelaMarie, I don't think it's silly, not one bit.

Just think how lucky your boys are that they can say, "I have a mom that LOVES me!"

 

[Nighthawk]

I can relate to everything you wrote. It is really not easy at times the loss and the yern to find that thing called mom.

BIG ((((HUGS)))

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear AngelaMarie,

I think it's natural to be reminded of that in particular when you are feeling alone and facing an unknown future, and all the struggles and trials you are going through daily.

I don't think all wounds heal, either. We just get 'better' at incorporating them into life.

Sometimes I think it is especially difficult when others (appear to) take for granted that what they have is a matter-of-course, I don't think they envision it any other way. More knowledge (and experiences) of the fragility of life or the absence from the beginning of key relationships can make one feel like they are on another planet in terms of relating emotionally or in terms of perspective, I think.

However I truly believe your boys will concentrate only on what they know, that their mom loves them with all her heart and soul. They won't (don't) have any doubt, I am sure.

((((((AngelaMarie)))))

 

[Froggie]

I just had to share because I feel so alone and so sad for my boys.

You did great sharing your pain AngelaMarie, I had a dysfunctional mom, not as bad as yours ... but still dysfunctional ... We were 5 siblings and I only have contact with the eldest of the boys. We had both come to the conclusion that the notion of family DID NOT exist in our home. And the notion of FAMILY started when we had our children. Being older than him, I keep encouraging him by telling him that he will see the result of his efforts when he will become a grandfather. The efforts that I made to get rid of most of that dysfunction behavior is seen in the grand children's behaviors. I have only one grand daughter and man am I ever proud of that little girl, she has so much self confidence and assertion. She knows that she is loved and she is able to love back. You too will have that sort of success story and that will ease the pain you feel AngelaMarie.

 

[AngelaMarie]

(((Froggie))) Thanks for your words!! Thanks to everyone for their words!!

I had a dream last night that I was with bio-mom and bio-grandmother and they were trying to get me to behave like everything was okay. They were having family over for dinner or something. I told them in the dream that I wasn't okay with being abandoned and ignored. That I wasn't over it and may never be. I told them I knew I wasn't loved and I wasn't part of the family. I woke up and I am just exhausted. I said all the things I wish I would have said when me and the family were still talking. Even though I know inside that it wouldn't have made a difference to them.

I love my boys more than anything. I feel guilty when I have a bad physical day like a migraine or have a depression period. I feel like I let them down. I just have to keep doing the best I can and trust that love witll bring us through.

I am just learning to express my feelings, so thanks for telling me I did good!!:)

 

[anni]

I chose to read your thread because it had 'Mom' in it-mine isn't well. I have 2 sisters who keep doing that thing indulged children do of blaming their lives on their parents while in their 50's. It makes me wish to flush their heads in the toilet- you so much needed yours, wished for one, are now grieving. I'm sorry you have to grieve, wish my siblings could see what a real life situation of this is.

It's no comfort for your loss, doesn't fill the hole, I know but your children at least will never have to feel that. You've spared them that pain. Most people don't know it's a sort of luxury you'll be providing for them, take the good ones for granted I think. Gosh life isn't fair sometimes and sure wasn't for you, not being able to have the mother you were entitled to just by being born. You've given something to your children you missed-no doubt they'll make sure their children have it also. It's something.

Hugs, do take care,

Anni

 

[AngelaMarie]

So, guess what happened today??? I kind of got adopted for a few weeks. First my friend's mother paid for my boys to go swimming with her grandchildren. Then I was invited to dinner. We went into town to eat italian food. We were there for 3 hours and had so, so, so much fun!!! She included me and the boys just like we were part of her family. I was there with her, my neighbor, her fiance, 4 children. We were speaking English, Dutch, and porteguese. It was brilliant. For the first time I felt like I am getting an adopted family. It was like having an adopted mom, sis, brother and the boys. It was one of the best nights I can remember. We just never know, do we???:):p:cool:

 

[KP the nut]

Fantastic, I am so pleased for you.