Sexual Assault It Seems Twisted But Despite Trauma Including It, I Still Seek Domination?!

[-lemurlibs91-]

I hope this isn't triggering, I won't go into it, but I do reference generically what type of trauma.


So, my trauma (3 years ago) involved sexual abuse, humiliation and domination from male(s) and I still experience lots of flashbacks, especially if I see someone else acting in a way that they did. This is particularly a problem if I see something on TV as I become completely averse to the person.

BUT I still seek some sort of domination from my partner in our intimate relationship. He is not the sort of person to be violent or anything (but hey, what do I know, I seem to have been a pretty bad judge of character in the past!!), it's just........somehow that... submitting (to an extent) turns me on.

Ugh :sick: :yuck: saying that makes me feel physically sick. It makes no sense, and it seems so twisted!!

But it's like how I still don't understand why I became really....slutty after it happened. My boyfriend has witnessed me doing stuff because I just had NO boundaries and seemed to have no shame and seemed to like it....whereas I was just so 'out of it' somehow. He'd understandably rather forget it but he can't unfortunately.

It just doesn't make sense to me. Does it make sense to anyone else?! :confused:

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I try not to question it.

I'm a bit different in that my abuse was as a child, so who knows if this would have been my natural inclination.

But, I refuse to apologize for my sexual preferences. I like what I like, and I am not going to feel ashamed.

 

[Intrepid]

Every relationship I've been in has left it's mark, even those that were not traumatic. Its the traumatic one, of course that I'm here fore. I see my behavior and wonder, like you do.

I feel ashamed, not so much because of my behavior, but because shame is pretty common after trauma.

 

[falling_wave]

I had a similar conversation with my T. She said it is a very common fantasy or preference to have and that a lot of people are concerned trauma or not. She said that I could choose to act on it or not but not to thinks it's abnormal. This was following a rape. She just helped me process my shame and did a lot of normalizing until I felt okay about what I liked. Hope that helps.

 

[Weemie]

not weird at all. it's re-engagement shit. your brain is trying to make sense of an attack on its integrity. shields at maximum, brace for impact. the ripples flow all through your mind and body, from the wrinkly 3 lb frying pan in our heads. it's like me, man. all i do all day long is marathon law and order svu and read about criminal profiling and wiki serial killers and look at surgery videos on youtube. my brain's been scrambled by attack and it's trying to turn itself rightside up, and re-engagement is part of that process. learning to handle that type of stimulus in a nonthreatening environment.

 

[Friday]

Personally... The way I deal with rape is to replace every bad memory with 1,000 good ones. Shrug. I have a high libido anyway, and it always upticks for several months following sexual assault. In the beginning I didn't really have a clue what or why, and I'm not saying it's what or why anyone else does anything. But it what I do.

 

[Mallaky]

Yeah, kinky stuff rocks. :p

I learned that I should just not engage with it during bad or stressfull times. Shame is, most times nowadays are very stressfull, so my sexlife suffers. My trauma was not of sexuell nature, and still I feel super bad sometimes about the kinky fantasies and realities, but truth of the matter is: I enjoy it and it feels like I need it for a healthy and satisfying sex life.

I can only imagine how confusing it must be if the trauma was sexuell in nature. Then again, I pretty much got "dominated" and neglected by my narcissistic grandmother, and now domination and neglect turn me on. Makes me glad I am gay, lol, my boyfriend has very little simalirity to my grandmother. :woot:

I fear the day a future therapist wants to talk about my sexlife. I cant imagine I will get a single word out. :hungover:

Also, humans see patterns everywhere. Maybe the two things, abuse and fetish, just appear to have connection because of that. I got spanked by my "real" mother as a small child alot, and that is an activity that is absolutely blacklisted by me.

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

Thank you all for your replies - it's great to hear that others have similar experiences and are also learning to live with and accept their likes.

Thanks that does help @falling_wave :)

The way I deal with rape is to replace every bad memory with 1,000 good ones.

Yeah that's logical - I guess I kind of do that too with my current partner, seeking out something good in intimacy with love rather than the memories and feelings that I have from what happened to me.

@Intrepid - that's a point, I guess the general shame I feel about everything that happened might be easily placed onto my sexual behaviour.

@Mallaky - I think you've also got a point about not engaging with it during bad/stressful times. I guess it's about knowing your limits and what's sensible/not for you when you're in a bad place..I also like your seemingly upbeat attitude! :tup:

my brain's been scrambled by attack and it's trying to turn itself rightside up, and re-engagement is part of that process. learning to handle that type of stimulus in a nonthreatening environment.

That makes sense...I hope mine does it quickly. I don't like how it makes me doubt good things like my relationship.

I've noticed that since I've started addressing my PTSD with my therapist - by trying to piece together what happened, from flashbacks, nightmares & memories etc. - I've been less "into" domination stuff. I've been less into sex in general which is REALLY unlike me - normally I have a high libido...but now I just want care and to be held tight by my boyfriend. I HATE that there are moments where I dissociate and I think that my boyfriend is the guy who....(I'm not quite ready to say certain words). I feel so guilty and I see how much it hurts him that I get scared of him sometimes.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I can relate to the desire of being dominated. I think I have personally always been a bit submissive, especially when my self esteem was low. That is just who I am. But when my boyfriend tells me what to do, I go into this zone, this feeling of calmness. I don't have to think anymore, because he is in charge. And I love that because it's when I think that I get flashbacks. I still get them, but less frequently and less vividly this way.

Apart from that, because we take on these roles my boyfriend and I communicate very well about what we do and do not like. I know that when I say 'no', or 'stop' or anything that indicates me not feeling okay he will stop and talk to me. He won't be annoyed or think I'm being weird or anything like that. I need that openness. When I was sexually assaulted I was extremely confused. I still have trouble accepting that it was rape and not my fault. So I guess the domination thing is my way to get back control. Sounds contradictory, right? But it gives me control over my thoughts and feelings and it makes me feel safe.

So as long as it's consensual, it makes you both happy and you're being safe, I'd say there's nothing wrong with it.

 

[InvisibleSun]

I can certainly relate! I've always been a tad submissive in general, but even more so after my sexual assaults. I can also relate to the "sluttiness" as well. I became very promiscuous after my last sexual assault. Almost as if I was trying to regain control of my sexuality in some way. I felt dirty, ashamed, worthless, and alone.. and sex filled the void. But it didn't make me happy.

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

It's really reassuring that you guys feel similarly to me!!! Although I'm obviously sorry that it happened to you. Thank you for your support. :)

@Snowwhite - I, also, am generally quite submissive in every day life, partly due to low self-esteem and a lack of confidence in my own opinions and decisions, as well as a fear of being left if I assert myself. It's great that you are in a relationship where you feel able to assert your needs with him - I am also luckily enough to have that too. I, too, was very confused during what happened, and I still feel it was my fault, that I didn't do enough to refuse, that I put myself in that situation (which is true......but my therapist has explained that domination and manipulation can be very subtle and emotional).

I guess the domination thing is my way to get back control.

I think this is key - on reflection, maybe it's the fact that I'm/we're/you're choosing submission in a relationship now, so I/we/you feel more in control???

@InvisibleSun - Yeah, that makes sense, it was the same for me. It's like I wanted to get as far away from men as possible....but I had to control my body and how I felt somehow, replace what happened with other memories....so I was really ridiculously overly sexual and without any boundaries. I don't remember it very clearly; I spent most of my encounters in that period of time dissociated.

I still feel like responding this way is backwards??

 

[InvisibleSun]

I don't think it's backwards at all..I just think it's your way of trying to cope and procecss what you went through. A lot of people say.."if this ever happened to me..I'd do this, this and this," but in reality, nobody really knows how they would respond in the wake of any traumatic event. Traumatic events automatically place a human being in a situation that exhausts and overwhelms the human psyche..activating primal survival responses and subsequently changing ones life forever. Anybody who thinks that they can go through trauma and come out the other side the same person they were before is full of shit.
The important thing is that you are recognizing unhealthy behaviors and working through your issues.. Good Luck and bless you!