It stacked up...

[Warrior Chicken]

I’m gonna try this, putting stuff out there, ask for support when you’re struggling, be ok with the fact that you are having a longer struggle than usual and it involves SI/self harm. The loss of hope is there, the thoughts of if I am not in the picture then the issues are resolved and others can continue on with their lives (I’m the problem based on the trail of evidence). The logical plotting of pros vs cons and which option is best is constant. I can usually work thru it but....it’s kicking my ass this round.

So, nutshell: work is my main and best coping tool, I f*cked up a couple days ago and it was big enough that it was noticed by my boss. Not cool, my world had an entire continent disappear under water in that moment.

Then the relationship. I suck at letting people in. I just don’t as a rule. I want my SO to feel loved but when the stress builds to such an elevated level I shut things down, isolate, survival is essential, self preservation doesn’t allow for others in my circle. Well.....SO tells me that I will always make work a priority and that’s my choice but he doesn’t know if he’s willing to chase me forever to never be WITH me.

There it is, my best tool, work....sidelined for the moment. Only other thing I have, relationship, hanging in a balance.

Now, to decide.
But with every good decision, facts and perspective are required.

 

[Still Standing]

PTSD does cause isolation and self protection, and lies to you about things being hopeless and you would not be missed. All lies, there is no truth in them. All that these things do is victimize you. There is nothing in these thoughts that are for your benefit. They are lies. But even in that there is a choice to fully entertain them or try to find ways to circumvent them or live in a way that minimizes their influence. Will it be easy to choose to find ways to live in a fuller life? No. But, you can do it. Most of us have moments when Suicidal thoughts plague us. It is a cry to make the stressors stop, not necessarily to end it all.

It feels a little tenuous, examining one's life and feeling like a decision needs to be made that will change the dynamics of one's life, doesn't it? But, perhaps, you have other options if you are willing to stretch a bit. Using your work as a coping skill might really be avoidance. To avoid the stresses of being in a relationship, it may be easier to be at work, where personal decisions and interactions are not so demanding. Your work becomes your shield where no can access your heart. But, if you want a relationship, you need to take the time to feed and nurture it. If not, then, your life simply becomes your job. To put so much of you into a job prevents you from putting so much of you into a human relationship. And it is the human relationship that we all need in some form or another. You don't have to make an either or decision regarding your job and SO, if you don't want to. They can be both balanced out. It is doable. But, I know when you are struggling with depression, choices can be hard. Don't do anything rash. If you are in counseling, this is all something very important to discuss and explore and see what is best for you.

 

[Swift]

Here, listening, and sending support.
SI is an addictive thing to try and kick.
Just as a small aside that in no way does justice to the magnitude of your problems -
Have you heard of love languages? I'm a workaholic former self-harmer who will isolate the f*ck outta myself at any given moment.
It was a small way to improve my relationships with my partners and make them feel valued though.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Thanks @Still Standing. I agree that using work as coping is avoidance of all the personal stuff I never learned how to do well. I need to learn if I’m to continue to have a relationship, It might be too late though. I struggle with the piece that I’m to blame and have caused the strain on another human that I care for. If I’m to improve and move past this I have to find a way to accept that ptsd doesn’t make me who I am or own me. It just doesn’t resonate now and the hope I had before is taking a vacation.

@Swift thanks for the support and your words. I don’t know love languages.

 

[Ronin]

IMHO at the point you are considering those pros and cons, things are sideways enough to not see clearly.

How far is the work f*ckup already? I mean, there are messes, and then there is going forward with fixing it another week.
And, that is work. You are so much more than that.

Could it help to see the relationship as not really at risk, just you coming through a rough patch right now, so of course that is reflected in it? Because causing strain and grief to those we care for is sort of normal, because there is care. It is not something you are doing, or doing wrong, worrying about you is a good thing, it is care. It means you have done good enough, consistently, to deserve that care from them... not that you are messing up now.

If you are not in the picture... then who the hell is going to do the resolving of those problems? It would take away the only person that can.

 

[Freida]

Time for a shake up IN your life....not an ending TO your life

Your coping skills have run their course and now it's time to try something different. You (like me) hide behind work because relationships are messy. But now work may gone...which leaves just SO and the relationship. So take the chance! Be brave...and see what happens. Worst case scenario is it doesn't work out and you them you get another job. best case? You try a new path and see where it goes. If you don't like it later hop a bus and come back.I

Terrifying? Yep
Worth it? Maybe
But you won't know till you try....