It was all my fault

[Ipojuf]

It was all my fault. I let my grandpa touch me. I didn't say anything about it to anyone. I could have stopped it and I didn't. I was so stupid! I thought he loved me. I thought I was special. There were times it felt good and I wanted more of that. I had my first orgasm when my grandpa was doing oral sex on me when I was seven. How could I do that? How could I have allowed that? And I kept going back. I asked him to do that again! I enjoyed how it felt. I was just as horrible as him. I had sex with my own grandpa when I was a kid! I let it keep happening for years. And I even wanted other people do that to me too as a kid. I tried to touch other adult males in my life as a kid and I wanted them to touch me. I am such a horrible person! I feel so guilty and ashamed and disgusting. How can I live with myself? How can I live knowing it was all my fault? I hate myself so much.

I'm sorry I'm posting this. I just really need to get this out. I don't know what else to do.

 

[Azufi]

How could I do that? How could I have allowed that?

You were a kid. You didn't do anything, you weren't even old enough to know what the hell was going on.

I thought he loved me. I thought I was special.

Because kids trust their family members to love them and be kind to them. It's not your fault he took advantage of your trust and tried to give you twisted ideas of what love is. You weren't stupid at all, you behaved like any other kid would. He was a sick predator.

How can I live knowing it was all my fault?

It wasn't your fault. It was his fault. YOU WERE A KID. Kids don't know anything about sex. You had no way of knowing what he was doing was wrong. He took advantage of his authority to brainwash you and use you. All him, not you.

If a kid is given drugs from a young age by a trusted family member and told the drugs are okay, they will believe that, because that's all they have to go on. If a kid is given a gun by a trusted family member and told guns are good, they will believe that, too, because they have nothing else to go on. And once they grow up and start to see things are different, they will have to figure out how to un-brainwash themselves. It's no different with sexual abuse. You were abused and brainwashed. You were a kid.

 

[Ije]

Not. Your. Fault.

 

[Ofopa]

I know. I survived too. You will get better believe it or not. It will get easier. It's not your fault. I kept doing it. I was 19 and I was leaving the old neighborhood and my dad's house and the kids it was happening with. I wanted it to happen all the time. I thought all these years of those moments when I was leaving and what it felt like. I didn't realize I was feeling 'it's going to stop now, it's going to be over, I'm finally escaping."