Death It's 5 years since the day my friend drowned

[bellbird]

Feeling very very sad.
Not sure what else to say right now.
I need to sleep but I can't. I miss him too much.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Losing friends is incredibly sad :hug:

 

[bellbird]

Thank you @Kubash16 and @Sophy .

My sleep meds weren't very effective against my insomnia last night, and I was quite dysregulated.

I think that's why I wrote a post here.
I'm feeling very tired today. And quite dissociative.

I just made a donation to the search and rescue helicopter in the region where my friend died.
I think I'll do that every year on this day.
It's an idea Swift gave me, for remembering lost friends on anniversaries.

Trying my best to stay grounded but it's really really hard.
I can hear him screaming in my head.
He never deserved to suffer.
I'm so sorry J.

 

[Freida]

I just made a donation to the search and rescue helicopter in the region where my friend died.
I think I'll do that every year on this day.

I love this idea. :hug:

 

[blackemerald1]

@bellbird - sometimes these anniversaries catch up to us unexpectedly. :hug: The donation idea is excellent!

 

[bellbird]

So that hopefully, through his memory, we can save other people who find themselves in situations where they need saving.

His life was cut far, far, too short. But I think maybe that's one good thing that can carry on his legacy, if not in its original physical form.

The days following the day that he died are so difficult, too.

Today, January 7, was the day we waited.
The day that the police dive team were still unable to search for him because it was too treacherous.
The last day we held a small glimmer of hope he'd been caught in a favourable rip that had pulled him under but then swept him downriver and washed him up onshore.

Tomorrow, January 8, was the day we knew.
The day a friend called my cellphone, and I answered and all I could hear was him crying.
The day that final glimmer had been well and truly extinguished.


They played Sweet Child of Mine at his funeral, as his casket was carried out of our highschool auditorium.
The casket had been painted bright green, and was covered with motorbike brand stickers. He loved his bikes.
School friend (and the one who rang me with the news) who was a pilot, went up in his small plane with a whole lot of flower petals and dropped them over the river where he drowned, at sunset.

I miss him so much, but especially over these days every year.

 

[blackemerald1]

This is all just so sad and I am very sorry @bellbird ((hugs))

 

[ladee]

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear friend bellbird. A beautiful tribute to his life, the donation. To help others.

Tho the loss still hurts, and probably always will, how beautiful that he still lives in your heart. The only place that really matters.

You are not alone in your grief. Setting quietly with you. Tender hugs :hug:'s

 

[Teasel]

Am short on words, but my heart goes out for you in the pain of missing your friend :hug:

Live the idea to donate to help others who might find themselves in need.

 

[bellbird]

Thank you all for the hugs, and for offering to sit with me through this. It means so much to me.

I am grateful that I do not need to bottle up my grief inside, particularly on these anniversaries, as was expected of me on anniversaries that fell during the Abuse Years.

When I think hard, I can still picture my friend's cheeky smile, the way he walked, I can hear the sound of his laughter and hear him saying my name.
I'm trying to hold onto those. To let them replay to ensure my mind holds onto them. The fade out the screaming, though only for a moment. But it does pain me to know those memories are the only ways I have left to see and hear him.