It's About Killing A Child

[shimmerz]

A huge flashback hit me tonight. I haven't been showing any trauma-esq issues since mid November of last year. None. Until tonight. I won't get into the whole thing but I had issues in the kitchen - I would pass out. I didn't know why but I would dead faint if I went into a kitchen. Since I stopped triggering the kitchen has been my favourite place. Until tonight.

I was in the kitchen tonight and all of the sudden this tremendous rage struck me. 2 other people were in the kitchen (a man and his grown son) along with myself. The man and I were both cooking. Son comes up, and BAM. I fly into this crazy anger - I snapped at the son. Snapped, to me means that I used a sharp tone with him. He so didn't deserve it but I SO felt it and it kept escalating. I left the kitchen as soon as I could.

I sat to eat my dinner and all of the sudden I am dissociating. What the hell? Then the flashback - although I would call it more of a flashmovie. I am back 8 years ago in that kitchen. I am cutting lettuce and my stepson is arguing with me. He starts acting out and I correct him. He freaks and tells his father I went at him with a knife. Jesus, I can't even type this.....please hold.....

Something happened to me at that time, you see. I didn't know my background at that time - not until 4 years later would I know my history a child. I was the hunted. Now I was being accused to being the hunter. It's about killing a child. The kitchen is about killing a child = full circle. OMG. Please forgive the confusion that must be in this post. I need to process....

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, what an awful thing to hit you like that! I feel for your step son too. Maybe now that you have seen a bit of what happened you might get more flashmovies as time goes on. Be ready for them whenever you go into the kitchen or someone else's kitchen too.

Confusion is expected when something like this happens to us, I think. It is OK to the extent that you can deal with it I suppose. Be easy on yourself. You are going through a lot right now.

 

[sun seeker]

(((@shimmerz)))

It's good that you can write about it, don't worry about making sense. This healing thing can be a painful process. Actually I admire your willingness to share this. Feel free to PM me if want more processing. And keep reminding yourself its not happening now. It's not happening now. Like a mantra.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@shimmerz I know only too well how these vivid Flashbacks can be and how painful they can trigger.

Huge :hug:s

Laurie

 

[shimmerz]

Thanks so much for responding. It was quite a night. It looks like, as of late, I have learned to attach to my 'inner mad'. lol. I get what this was all about and kept forcing myself out of dissociation last night - trying to integrate. I fell asleep and woke at 3 am to rage. My head was all over the place. I have walked into the kitchen (thanks @SheilaKathy ) and seemed to be fine. I am using ho'oponopono to attempt to 'clear' the anger. I am trying to allow myself to feel it but not have it consume me. I am not certain I care much for this mad thing, but I feel like I need to figure out how to allow myself to incorporate it properly. *Deep breath*

Nope, it is not happening now @sun seeker, although perhaps those flashmovies are so painful @Santa_Laurie so we get a chance to properly attach to the emotions that we by rights should have been allowed to feel at the time. I keep reminding myself that getting mad is a whole lot better than fainting. I will remind myself to be grateful. :hug:'s to all and thank you.

 

[Sammyiam]

I'm so sorry you are having a bad time at the moment shimmerz, please know that I am thinking of you and if you would like to borrow my drain to let it all wash down that is fine, return it at your own time. I have a few, and some spare plugs as well as I have started to pull the plugs out and see what happens. It's a little scary but we can all help each other. thank you for being so kind.

 

[shimmerz]

I may need to carry a plunger with me today too! :eek:

 

[Sammyiam]

Yes I can help with that, I have just brought a very large plunger.

It says on the package ;

Keep on hand at all times

Will suck out the most blocked problems

Money back guarantee

Sounds great to me

 

[shimmerz]

Will suck out the most blocked problems

Money back guarantee

@Sammyiam :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

 

[Powder]

Shimmerz, sounds like you are making real progress. Yes, angering is better than totally dissociating/blacking out. Very well done!!! I know how hard it is to see the progress when it's still not what you want, but you're going to feel much stronger soon.

You did nothing wrong other than heal and you'll pass through this soon. Good work, keep going!