I Thinking About Killing Myself

[Deleted member 34195]

I have tried therapy since i was 18 years old. I have survived severe trauma since I was 5 years old. I was molested at 5 and repeatedly molested after that. I was raped by 12. I was sexually exploited by my own father.... and horribly abused emotionally, physically, psychologically and sexually. My mother is a narcissist and so is my father. My parents have never loved me. I still want to be adopted as adult- but that will never happen. I was horribly abused by them and other people outside of the family. I was raped twice as adult. I have no family and no friends. I am alone. I give up on life. I do. I realize no one would care if I died- even the local police have watched me almost jump in front of train--they just drove by and watched from distance-- they didn't care.... honestly. i am suffering.... I am in chronic pain everyday.... I realize is no purpose to life. I have nothing to live for. I live in poverty. I spend all the holidays and my birthdays alone. I am alone 24/7 and sit here and stare at the white walls in my apartment. I have severe trust issues- I don't trust humans.. I am terrified of being hurt..... I don't like crowds or loud places............ I lost faith in humanity. I am dead already. I am just dead inside. That is the truth.

 

[Powder]

I'm sorry you are at rock bottom.

It's a feeling, one that is very hard to tolerate. But feelings don't speak the truth always.

I can relate to everything you have been through. It's very hard to move forward from all that. Being unloved is the worst pit of the emotional trauma from parental abuse. It makes me feel so sucker punched that I feel it in my stomach. Even being loved by someone now doesn't undo that feeling when it comes over me. I am almost 40, and just in this last year could I cry and let some of it out. :sick:

Welcome to the forum here. This forum was here for me five years ago when I got really horrible flashbacks of my dad abusing me. Up to that point, I only remembered molestation that didn't seem enough to give me PTSD.

May I ask are you in therapy? You said you tried it at 18.

I also have had major struggles with trust that are ongoing. It's going to be here for life. I accept that. Attachment disorder or whatever, check.

Knowing that, you NEED a T who has had good results with people with severe childhood abuse trauma. I did this: called a psychiatrist who has on their site "C-PTSD/child trauma" and then ask who they refer their CPTSD patients to see for ongoing EMDR and talk therapy. I went to that person, who I did an initial phone interview with, and that was the best person I ever saw for my issues.

It dawned on me that I never thought I deserved a therapist who is basically a specialist in people like me with a track record of success. When I treated myself more strategically, I got a better fit. I didn't go long (life intervened) but I got a lot of good skills and tips out of what I did learn that have been very helpful to me to get to the next level of coping.

Baby steps. Then, I know I could make some use of a good T in the future if I want.

I hope you find a good T soon because even if you had adoptive parents or a SO or someone in life, it is necessary to get that support that you need from an expert.

I know you said you have no money or support. Take whatever you can get and don't give up. I have been there. :banghead: Think of this as a dark tunnel. There is light on the other side. There are people who will help you get to the light. But you will have to allow it.

Muse

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Dylan, I'm so sorry for your trauma and your sadness! I also understand how you feel, and even though I'm well on the road to recovery, suicide is as much a part of my daily thought process as deciding what to wear.

Here, you have found people who understand your pain. We will do whatever we can to help you on your healing journey. We are here for you.

 

[Powder]

I think also having had experience going free/cheap, the quality really varies on therapy from helpful but not on point to downright damaging.

Can you reflect on the therapy experiences you have had here?

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

 

[Ellabella44]

Dont give up now, you survived this long. Yeah with messed up head and trauma, but there are things to go on for. Mainly prooving to your symptoms that you are more bad*ss than the are.

 

[Taylor30313]

Dylan, you've come so far and through so much. Please don't give up. We are here for you and while we weren't there and don't know what it's like to be you, we can understand how it feels to be used, abused, unloved, and unwanted. It's hard feeling like you have no money and nobody to care for you, but let me tell you we're listening and we see your pain and acknowledge it as well. Please, if you need someone to talk to message me out someone else on here. I'd even text you of you need someone to talk to. None of that is easy, I know. I think about suicide every day, like a fleeting exit sign. Just know that if you need love and compassion, you can find it you just have to except it. Hugs if that's okay!