It's Back

[Noxyoursox]

I went through quite a long time (almost a year) without thinking about suicide, but I'm back in that headspace again. I'm ok right this second, but I've had two episodes in the last two weeks where I didn't feel safe being alone because I thought I might hurt myself, and I have caught myself regularly judging high places for their potential lethality if jumped from (and being disappointed if I think they are not high enough). I don't have anyone here who knows me well enough to keep me safe if it gets serious (I have two roommates but I don't trust them with that responsibility). I've been writing poetry about death. It's not on my mind 100% of the time but it is something I think about every day, usually more than once.

There isn't a specific thing triggering it that I know of--I am feeling very lonely/isolated because I am in a new city and have no friends, and no idea how to make friends (even the people who would have been "my crowd" in my hometown are very distant from me here, there's a disconnect I can't seem to get over). I'm not struggling in my classes (which was the thing that set it off last year) and I'm not around the people who were hurting me, but I just really, really feel like shit all the time. I have to be careful talking about it or I'll get stuck in a negative self-talk rut and I can't deal with that right now. I don't know how keep myself safe without other people's help.

 

[GrayOwl]

Loneliness is a huge trigger. Can you get in touch with people that know you well? Phone, text, email, blog? I try to make sure people that know me and my circumstances, habits, and tendencies are aware when I start going into negative headspaces. I used to skip that part but it nearly cost me my life a couple times, and today I value that too much. So I work on preventive and a big part of that is communicating with others as I see myself slipping into depression or other precursors such as loneliness. If no friends or family are around sometimes even this site can be a life saver. Literally.
Glad you posted. What city are you in now? Are there activities you like to do that you can start doing there and possibly meet some quality people with like habits and interests? What do you like doing besides school?

 

[Noxyoursox]

@GrayOwl I'm in Olympia right now going to college. I talk to my sister on Facebook almost every day, but she's having a rough time too because she's still at home dealing with our parents and taking care of our little brother, she doesn't have the energy to spare on this. I also talk to a counselor online which helps some, though I've found she's much better at getting me to talk about things than she is at helping me find solutions. (I don't have an in-person T, one of many things I need to do but haven't)

There are some clubs on campus that I'm interested in, but I have not managed to go to a single one of them because I have chronic insomnia and tend to be asleep in the middle of the day when they meet (my classes are in the evening because I figured if I wasn't going to be able to get up early for class, I might as well have class before bed and not have to worry about being late all the time). I write and do art a lot, generally those are helpful for venting but can also make things worse.

 

[GrayOwl]

Got it. Yep. Insomnia is tough. I've had it much of my life. Outside activity, hiking, walking, biking, zoos, parks, stuff like that all helps me today with insomnia. But I also sort of gave up fighting it and took a third shift job for 17 years. It seems not so much to be insomnia with me as though I'm on like a 26 hour day. I never seem to be on a schedule. But as I've gotten older it has gotten better some.
Main culprit: my mind. When it gets rolling and a little worry or loneliness or depression kick in - then I'm up for hours. So I try to head those off with healthy coping mechanisms today. Fresh air, reading, challenging games, service work. I unfortunately tried a few unhealthy coping mechanisms over the years and have learned that in much part I just need to steer my mind into positive directions and the more on top of that I stay the better off I seem to be. But there are always those days that pop up that my mind just seems to say "It's all goin to hell today...." Luckily those are very few today and like you said, there are family or one or two close friends that seem to be there when I need it.
Good luck with the sleeping. Sunshine, vitamin d, a multi vitamin.... they help fight negatives. Just a thought.

I usually check in every day. Sometimes overnight too. I still work two or three nights a week on third shift and often check this site on breaks and lunch. You can always message me if things are tough.