NaeNae75
Platinum Member
I'm at max capacity right now. I seriously can't handle one more thing.
My S/O's need to have our yearly "break up" is always difficult for me...makes sense.
Also, I went to file for unemployment because the company I've been working for has me on a hopefully temp layoff. Well, because I only earned money from them for 1 quarter, I'm not eligible. Well, fan flipping tastic! The other quarters I was "self employed", so that income doesn't count. I don't qualify until January, but then go to the max for unemployment....sooooo stupid! So now I need to scramble to find something to keep bills paid myself since Mr. Man flew the coop again.
My son is home from 19 hours away this week to apply for a new job closer to home (1.5 hrs away). All week we've been planning on having a huge bonfire out at our farm. Well now he's leaving tonight instead. So it got cancelled and the other kids were irritated with me for cancelling it. It made me feel awful.
Then my father calls and screams at me asking who the F gave me permission to have a bonfire. Well, my father and I own the farm together 50/50. Why in the hell do I need permission to invite people over to a farm I pay half for?! He also gave my son a ton of crap too and has him massively upset. He's been super overbearing the last couple of weeks....I'm triggered into outer space right now.
So I text the s/o and tell him that the party is called off, because he was coming with his son. He texted back and asked if my son was okay. I told him no, and frankly neither am I. Well he called while I was getting berated by my father, so I didn't answer. So then he calls my daughter because he was worried he said. She told him I was on the other line, but now I was off.
He called me back. I wasn't going to tell him what was going on, but I was sobbing. So I told him what had happened with my son, dad, unemployment, etc....I told him I can't handle anything else....he's like, I'm sorry stuff is so crappy for you. Before I could stop myself I said, well how much does that mean because you left me hurting too? He said I'm sorry, but I have to get back to work. I can call you tonight if you want. I told him it didn't matter. He told me just to call him if I want to talk.
Of course I do. But I know I'm not mentally stable enough right now to "say the right things" to keep him from being triggered. So I'm not calling him.
My daughter and I went to lunch to get me out of the house, I was silently sobbing there. Then we went to Menards (its a hardware store for those that don't know) to look at fence panels (my fence needs some mending) and talk to her friend. All of a sudden, I got so dizzy I couldn't see and almost passed out. We hurried to check out so we could leave. She told me I was really pale.
We came home, and I went to lie down. She went to spend the night at a friends house, and my son that lives at home went to a friends house as well. Now I'm here by myself. I'm not dizzy anymore, but I can't stop sobbing.
I'm completely overwhelmed and feel like a complete failure. I was fine yesterday....what the hell? Everything feels like it crashed down all at once. I went from feeling strong enough to stick things out with my s/o, but now I don't know if it's a good idea. I want to sell everything I own and run away. I actually started talking to companies in completely different states looking for work to get the hell out of here.
After I was done talking to the s/o, I texted him and asked if he wanted to do something tonight or tomorrow...since he was supposed to come to the party. He texted back, "I don't know". Well, I'm not going to call him...I'm not going to keep feeling like I need to beg him to talk to me.
Why is everything falling apart? I try so hard to keep everything going and keep everyone happy...but it's never enough.....I'm never enough. Why is my Karma so bad? I've never hurt anyone....at least not intentionally. I try to do "everything right" but I'm still just messed up....
I'm sitting here alone, and I don't think anyone would notice if I just wasn't here at all.
My S/O's need to have our yearly "break up" is always difficult for me...makes sense.
Also, I went to file for unemployment because the company I've been working for has me on a hopefully temp layoff. Well, because I only earned money from them for 1 quarter, I'm not eligible. Well, fan flipping tastic! The other quarters I was "self employed", so that income doesn't count. I don't qualify until January, but then go to the max for unemployment....sooooo stupid! So now I need to scramble to find something to keep bills paid myself since Mr. Man flew the coop again.
My son is home from 19 hours away this week to apply for a new job closer to home (1.5 hrs away). All week we've been planning on having a huge bonfire out at our farm. Well now he's leaving tonight instead. So it got cancelled and the other kids were irritated with me for cancelling it. It made me feel awful.
Then my father calls and screams at me asking who the F gave me permission to have a bonfire. Well, my father and I own the farm together 50/50. Why in the hell do I need permission to invite people over to a farm I pay half for?! He also gave my son a ton of crap too and has him massively upset. He's been super overbearing the last couple of weeks....I'm triggered into outer space right now.
So I text the s/o and tell him that the party is called off, because he was coming with his son. He texted back and asked if my son was okay. I told him no, and frankly neither am I. Well he called while I was getting berated by my father, so I didn't answer. So then he calls my daughter because he was worried he said. She told him I was on the other line, but now I was off.
He called me back. I wasn't going to tell him what was going on, but I was sobbing. So I told him what had happened with my son, dad, unemployment, etc....I told him I can't handle anything else....he's like, I'm sorry stuff is so crappy for you. Before I could stop myself I said, well how much does that mean because you left me hurting too? He said I'm sorry, but I have to get back to work. I can call you tonight if you want. I told him it didn't matter. He told me just to call him if I want to talk.
Of course I do. But I know I'm not mentally stable enough right now to "say the right things" to keep him from being triggered. So I'm not calling him.
My daughter and I went to lunch to get me out of the house, I was silently sobbing there. Then we went to Menards (its a hardware store for those that don't know) to look at fence panels (my fence needs some mending) and talk to her friend. All of a sudden, I got so dizzy I couldn't see and almost passed out. We hurried to check out so we could leave. She told me I was really pale.
We came home, and I went to lie down. She went to spend the night at a friends house, and my son that lives at home went to a friends house as well. Now I'm here by myself. I'm not dizzy anymore, but I can't stop sobbing.
I'm completely overwhelmed and feel like a complete failure. I was fine yesterday....what the hell? Everything feels like it crashed down all at once. I went from feeling strong enough to stick things out with my s/o, but now I don't know if it's a good idea. I want to sell everything I own and run away. I actually started talking to companies in completely different states looking for work to get the hell out of here.
After I was done talking to the s/o, I texted him and asked if he wanted to do something tonight or tomorrow...since he was supposed to come to the party. He texted back, "I don't know". Well, I'm not going to call him...I'm not going to keep feeling like I need to beg him to talk to me.
Why is everything falling apart? I try so hard to keep everything going and keep everyone happy...but it's never enough.....I'm never enough. Why is my Karma so bad? I've never hurt anyone....at least not intentionally. I try to do "everything right" but I'm still just messed up....
I'm sitting here alone, and I don't think anyone would notice if I just wasn't here at all.
