It's gonna get better

[Mushy]

I've only just recently become aware that I suffer from CPTSD from physical and emotional traumas I suffered as a child and as an adult for that matter. For years I've known something was wrong but have never been able to pinpoint it till now. I'm only just beginning to understand and cope with what I'm dealing with and the emotions are a absolute roller coaster. Things are hard right now...not gonna lie...but through all the mess I keep finding little points of positives that are my rocks and my guideposts. I was very happy and relieved to see a quote that said simply, "You are not broken and in need of fixing, you are injured in need of care".
Unfortunately, I don't have much in the way of a support system. My original family has abandoned me completely...which is a good thing. That's where all the trauma stems from. The biggest blow this year has been my wife wanting to get divorced. I'm lucky in that we have every intention of building a healthy relationship (we were friends for a long time before we married) for both of our sakes, and for our daughter as well, but damn the news was a huge slug to the gut and down I went. For weeks I literally felt like I was drowning, and struggling to stay afloat. But as I have always done for some weird reason, as things around me fall apart, I keep pushing and fighting and work on picking up the pieces but this time it's different. Yes there is an incredible sadness to it all, but I keep finding joy in little moments as I realize that this time...as I put myself back together..this time my identity is mine. It's the person I want to be and the person I know that I can be. It's gonna take a lot of work...and it's not gonna be easy, but I'm going to do it. There is an old Japanese proverb that I have leaned on heavily though the years:

"Fall down seven times, stand up eight"

Things are going to get better. I know it. There will come a day where I will know peace...I will know love...and I will know happiness.

 

[Tinyflame]

Welcome to you @Mushy . Beautiful quote on injury vs broken-ness. And really courageous to say so much in your first post.

I hope for you healing and peace. :hug: (if ok).

 

[Mushy]

Thank you @Junebug and yes hugs are more than ok. In fact they are much needed :) Thank you so much as well for the kind words :) It's been a rough weekend emotionally, but finding this place has been a huge relief. I'm extremely grateful to have found it and look forward to meeting new people :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I know that you are well on your way to finding real peace, like you I have suffered devastating loss of my daughter and two grandkids due to her alcoholism and she has cut me off and away from the family that has been such a big part of my life for the past seventeen years of my life and I am slowly finding my own moments of joy here and there and I feel so much better as I discover the joys of who I really am becoming now. It is late in the game of life for me but I am really getting to know the real me for the first time ever. Great thread.

 

[Tinyflame]

Then here is a double double! :hug::hug::)

Yes there are wonderful people here and much support and knowledge to be shared.

And you really did have an incredibly honest and eloquent post. :tup:

Hopefully your wife can take heart and give you time; as you learn how to master some of the symptoms it will show, and if needed you can amends if necessary too (and you will also feel much better).

 

[Mushy]

I'm very sorry to hear about your family. I hope that someday there is resolution for you :)

 

[Mushy]

@Junebug I can honestly say that this is the first time I've had a genuine smile all day :) Thank you!

 

[Mushy]

I used to love mornings. I liked getting up early and enjoying the peace before the hustle and bustle. Seems like forever since I can remember what that felt like. I can't remember the last time I woke up feeling rested. I used to wake up before my alarm clock went off and granted there were plenty of rush, rush, stress days, there were also the peaceful serene days. Those are gone now and I absolutely miss it. Typically I am now jolted awake by some stressor or memory and all after a fitful sleep and sometimes night sweats. Not uncommon to wake a few times in the middle of the night in the same way. Sleep used to be refuge.
I know a big part of the problem is my current living situation. It's very nomadic and I'm come full circle from my early couch surfing days. It'll get better I know, because I'm going to make it better...one day at a time. Which brings me back to sleep. The way I figure, I'm not going to be able to fully heal and deal until I reclaim my sleep cycle. So I'm going to change up patterns and completely rework my bedtime routine. No more electronics or TV before bed. Going back to books or just quiet meditation. Even though I don't have a bedroom of my own at the moment, it just means I need to create my own space or bubble that regardless of where I crash for the night...I feel safe. I feel secure. I can do that. I just have to get creative and carry a blanket. I'm going to get there. I feel better already just typing all this out.

 

[Tinyflame]

I rarely had that ability to sleep @Mushy but I think it's hugely important to 're-set' the brain, manage stress and pain, and get strength.

I miss that peaceful feeling, albeit night or morning. I miss having any joyful feeling in the morning or energy or plan on how to tackle the day or re-fill myself.

I could never fall asleep at friend's/ strangers, my body wouldn't allow it. :(

 

[Mushy]

@Junebug I've tried melatonin a few times and it works on occasion, but it's not something I want to depend on. It's more of a temporary fix rather than an overall cure. I'm really sorry to hear about your sleep disturbances. I think most people underestimate the value of a good night's rest. One thing is for certain I will personally never take it for granted again. :sleep:

 

[Mushy]

Another crap nights sleep. Went to bed early feeling good and hopeful for a good sleep. Woke up startled after a few hours then the rest of the night was fitful. Woke up tired and stressed. Literally just had to force myself to drink a glass of water which is helping a little. This constant lack of sleep makes me feel like I'm going insane. It doesn't help that my mornings are typically chaos with all the dogs and cats around here wanting to be fed and taken out. Sometimes it makes me want to cry. Gonna try some meditation and hopefully center myself a bit. Just keep breathing :) Onward and upward.

 

[Mushy]

Yes the day started out shitty, but the second half went pretty well. Was able to get some self care in, accomplished some long overdue tasks and my mind has been quiet for the better half of the day. I am so grateful to have some respite that I may just cry tears of joy. Gonna hold on to the good patterns I developed today and build on that :) Fingers crossed that I may actually sleep through the night...if not I have a grounding meditation at the ready. It is going to get better...I can feel it.