It's Happening Again :'/

[TryStayPositive]

My name is Peregrine
As a bit of backstory, last year I was sexually abused. In a lot of ways. During the Christmas (Summer) holidays I suffered attempted rape. The guy was extremely out of it though so I (barely) escaped. At school, all my guy friends (jon, zac and 'Peanut') all kinda 'liked' me. And even though I had a boyfriend at the time, who I'm still with now actually, they couldn't control their effin hormones and kept asking me to take pictures/videos of myself for them. Touched me. Showed me pictures of them.
So I get the hell away from them :/
I started hanging out with a different group. Then they started doing it too. Same thing with another group (I'm frickin cursed!)
So I changed schools in Winter.
I thought for a while everything had gotten so much better. Memories still haunted me, sometimes I'd stay awake at night and just have a huge cry. Sometimes I'd be sure it was going to happen again.
But for the most part, I was fine.
But now it's all coming back.... Flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, bad dreams. And all so often.
Do you know what's happening to me?

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi peregrine. Welcome to the forum Link Removed

I'm glad you found us!! I'm sorry for what happened to you. Firstly you are very brave for telling us in your first post - well done.

Secondly I would say that all those symptoms you descibe are very normal, based on what you have been through.
"A normal reaction from abnormal circumstances"

If you haven't already done so, I would highly recommend that you talk to someone in real life about how you are feeling. Someone in your family (maybe your mum?), a close friend, a teacher, your Doctor or your school counsellor. Someone who you trust.

You can get 'better' from this, and the sooner you deal with it the better. Please remember that none of this is your fault. You didn't ask for any of this, so don't feel ashamed. Telling someone is the first step to healing. Break the silence. Once you have told someone, ask for their help to find the right support. A therapist could really help you.

In the mean time - keep posting here. No-one will judge you - we will offer support and understanding.

Welcome Link Removed

 

[TryStayPositive]

I've told my very close friends, my boyfriend, and mum.
But seeing as it's been so long since it happened, they've all kinda gotten over it. Well, except for Harry (my boyfriend) and Aisling (my best friend). But I don't see Aisling much, and Harry has also been wronged in this experience so I don't like to bother him with it, even though he wants me to.
I feel like I betrayed Harry by having all this happen while we were dating. And often (especially straight after flashbacks), I feel so damn dirty and unclean. Not pure. Not innocent.
And I don't feel like I deserve him for that.

I tried talking to my mum but she's always so straightfoward that I can't really talk to her about it. She cares and all, but she's always straight to the 'everything will be fine, all this is natural, etc.' phase before I've really said anything.
And I'm not really happy with talking to strangers or people who aren't close, unless they've been through it too.

So I don't really know who to talk to...?

 

[cherryblossom]

Perhaps you could explain to your Mum that everything isn't fine and you would like some further help. Tell her why you are concerned and ask her to take you to see the doctor, just for your piece of mind.

 

[WonderingWhy]

So I don't really know who to talk to...?

:thinking: I know who you can talk to!!!! US!!! On this forum!!!;) :hug:

 

[Nyx]

Hello and welcome to the forum. WW is right, you can talk to us if you don't feel like talking to someone else. We understand the "not ok" part. I have one question: what do you mean when you say your boyfriend was wronged in what happened?
Hope you're doing okay..

 

[Marie E.]

Welcome to the Forum Peregrine!

 

[peupeu]

Welcome Peregrine! :hug: I really understand your feelings! My employer did to me many things which can be read under "sexual abuse". All this happens 7 years ago. I didn't go therapy until nowadays. My bad feelings just grow and grow and flasbacks start to come more often. So please, do good thing to you and go to talk somebody :hug:It is very hard thing to do, but when you start it, you find out how it release you from your bad feelings little by little.

 

[fairydust]

Welcome :wave:

 

[rosie]

welcome :) we all get better at our own pace, its hard to feel worthy of others if others have taken advantage of you, i wish you could see yourself through your boyfriends eyes he obviously adores you. I hope you get the help you need :) because your feelings are normal for what you suffered and i hope you look after yourself enough to find someone like a therapist to talk to. keep talking to us on the forum tell us how you are getting on :)