Childhood Its Just A Book

[lostforgottensoul]

have you started a trauma diary? I would read it. :)

I just added the cover today; it's always been titled "Upside Down"

Link Removed

Careful, the first post is my entire past and could be very triggering. The last thing, about the dog in today terms is something I have this stopped, read more into the diary.

if progress is admitting that it happened. I still have mixed emotions I guess.

Progress is any step foward, even if just the small step, still progress!

 

[KeepingTime]

@lostforgottensoul i will start reading it tonight after my company leaves.

How did you do the cover?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

How did you do the cover?

You have to be premium to put a cover on threads. Its new so i just quickly uploaded one as i didnt know you could with exsisting threads so likely will change it out every now and then.

 

[KeepingTime]

Back to the book...I remember the guy with the hole in his throat. I'm playing outside. I see his truck and he usually brings me candy. I ran up to his truck. He's a friend of my dads.
But he came inside the house this time. In daddy's room on daddy's bed I was in his lap. He showed me that the candy was in his pocket. Daddy says check her pockets for candy too. But I don't have pockets. Just underware. Daddy hands me a book and says read to him. When daddy left the room I ran. I don't want to read..I don't want to read

I ran and hid in The attic. Daddy came after me saying don't run from me. He grabs my ankles but I crawl further under the beams. He can't reach me. So he shuts the attic door and locks it. I'm trapped it's dark. He turns on the big attic fan which is noisy and scary. And makes it cold. I'm there forever. I beg please let me out. I'll be good I promise...I'm sorry. He doesn't come.

I must have fallen asleep. I found it I found moms voice.
I hear moms voice. Momma says Where is she? I Don't make a sound. Mom says take her up some dinner. NO! Why doesn't she come get me? Or say let her out?
I saw the light when he opened the door but I didn't move. He left the food and shut the door again.
I shouldn't have drank the water. But I was thirsty

I think its morning. I can see light in the cracks. When he finally comes up to let me out i was just laying near the door. He pulled me by my arm to the opening. "You wet the floor like a dog." He pulls my feet down the ladder. Your foolishness will be cast out by the rod of discipline.
Put paper under you like a dog. Drink the water. I sit on the paper. It's a long time.
Don't pee don't pee. I can't stop it. I wet the paper. "You're filthy."
He puts her in The tub. He washed her. Inside and out. He puts the soap inside..The soap keep it in until it melts. There's no water in the tub. I try but it comes out...

T asks why did you run? What were you running from? I guess that's where the book comes in.

This is the first time I've been able to place my mom at the scene...she was nowhere in my memory. I really wanted to believe she didn't know.

 

[RussH]

"lived with meaning"

Survivor means you came through the ordeal, you survived it. How you live your life, with, or without, meaning is up to you.

 

[Sideways]

I hear you.
It's hard stuff to read, but I hear you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@KeepingTime i can relate to a lot of that except my mom knew and particitpated.

You are getting more memory, thats good. Its hard and it hurts but its good. The more you can remember, the more healing you can do. Im not saying you cant heal without memory as many have but its easier, I think, to know specifically what happened to know what you're healing from.

I wet the bed for the first time as an adult about a month, maybe 2 months ago. The thread I made about it but I wasnt very detailed. I did a bit later make a more detailed thread about the dream I was having when I wet the bed.

Again, possible trigger, its very detailed but is a something missing from my diary because I felt too ashamed to put it in there. Thats why Im sharing it, cause its missing from my diary and you asked about my diary. But I can identify with that memory a bit too.

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/need-to-get-this-out-of-my-head.60756/

I also very much can identify with being treated as an animal. I know that sucks, horriblly.

This is good though. Remembering more is good. Keep reading that book with your therapist! Its working! But Im sorry that that happened! :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@KeepingTime I hope if its ok if I come back on here and say that you are amazing and doing amazing work with that book!

I dont know how I could go near something from my past let alone open it and read it, and its working! You are getting memories back! Keep reading and just let the memories come in. I wanted to push them away, push them down, deny them, anything. Please fight that if you get that urge and just let them come in!

I love that you have new memories. Im so very sorry that they happened :hug: Im am, but it is wonderful work when you can allow new memories to come in and accept them! You are awesome! You are! :hug:

 

[KeepingTime]

Survivor means you came through the ordeal, you survived it. How you live your life, with, or without, m...

You're right..just having one of those barely existing days.

But I think I resent that term because there are ppl who have no clue...who have never had a bad thing happen in their life...they toss that word around like oh you survived and that's what's important...and their actions say
"Now build a bridge and get over it"

Mainly referring to a more recent trauma that everyone in my life knows about.

Or my one real life friend that knows about my past who thinks that when I get through this "last memory" that everything is going to magically be all better.

Sorry. Didn't mean to dump all that...just venting.

 

[KeepingTime]

Thanks you @Ragdoll Circus

 

[lostforgottensoul]

and their actions say
"Now build a bridge and get over it"

I know exactly what you mean! My dad does it. Im sorry your friend does as its so invaildating and you cant "just get over it"; something common in the "What not to say to someone with PTSD" thread.

We validate you! I know its not the same but it helps some, for me anyway. :hug:

 

[KeepingTime]

@lostforgottensoul thank you

Yes there were pretty big chunks of the memory that filled in after T on Friday. Just leaves me feeling so down and drained. Just trying to deal with it in my head until I can process with T on Wednesday.

I don't think i wet the bed much...it was more about the control of bodily functions my dad had.

I couldn't pee unless I had permission. He would sit me on the toilet with the lid down and force me to drink water and hours would go by before he would let me "go"...so much that I just learned to turn off that function...to this day I hold it because I can't feel when I have to go.

Lost you are soooo sweet. Yes it is hard to even hold that book in my hands...but you have endured so much...don't sell yourself short...you can handle anything! :)

But yes it is working...I don't like new memories. I know its crucial that I uncover and understand what happened...but it's like enough already! :)