It's Not Happening Now...

[KwanYingirl]

So as not to trigger anyone, I had revealed to him a very cruel experience I had and then I was gonzo. I interpreted his statement that it is not happening as solicitous. I am present, but feel very strongly that it is "not me" as if I carrying the DNA of a stranger. I am struggling lately with wicked body memories and I wonder how you all find the will to carry on with therapy.
It is more useful to read your posts. Empathy? I can't sleep. Why on Earth am I persistently falling apart and finding his words drop with a thud. I'm expecting too much from him. I know he wants to be helpful. I recall that he also asked me what I need from him. How the hell do I know? Yeah, it would help if he reminds me that I am safe. It is so lonely and terrifying, just like it happened. I can smell the smell. An hour of therapy leaving me as vulnerable as always. I just want to crawl under the covers. Wait several days to work the worms out.

 

[KwanYingirl]

OK now I am creeped out. It's the middle of the night and I woke up bolt upright and frozen. I came on to read support and seriously, I see that I liked posts but have no memory of having read them. I'm scared. I want to cut this fear out of me. I will gather up my dog and try to sleep. Thank you for your kind words. It helps to read them when I don't like myself.

 

[ghotiff]

I just want to crawl under the covers.

For me, if I feel this way I should go right ahead and crawl under my covers and stay there for as long as I need.

I wonder how you all find the will to carry on with therapy

After my disastrous first T and pushing too hard I go super slow with my new T and she encourages this. Things that I told my first T and had a really bad reaction to telling...I have now told my current T and my reaction is far less ...which I believe is because I went slower and it was longer before I told. Just thoughts.

Hope that helps :hug:

 

[Deleted member 28740]

I will gather up my dog and try to sleep.

@KwanYingirl My dog is my lifesaver. Breathing with her, in total panic I lay with her and get our breathing in sync, mine to hers though I know she feels my panic and her reaction at first becomes fast. Every time she can get me back to deep breathing. I hate that I cause her this stress, but could not live without her.

 

[Ellabella44]

I see that I liked posts but have no memory of having read them.

its ok, i experience that as well some days.

hoping you were able to get some peace and sleep.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@ghotiff yes that does help. I remember hearing him say something about how hard it is to do workbooks or journal and he made a point which I cannot recall. I hate hate hate flashbacks. I hate that all the traumas I had didn't have to happen if only someone in charge had done their job

 

[KwanYingirl]

I was supposed to email my therapist Tuesday but I just feel so dirty and disgusting, I don't want to face him.

 

[Ellabella44]

thats ok try again when you are feeling better, dont give up on therapy though. for some things the best way is walking through step at a time, and safety comes first before you can get a step in.

 

[KwanYingirl]

OK @Ellabella44 thank you. I ended up emailing him in the middle of the night. I'll try to stay grounded and trust the process.

 

[ghotiff]

if only someone in charge had done their job

I hear you, I hear you.