Thanks. My T brought up a lot of good points. We discussed my struggle with suicidal ideation, and what she said made so much sense. I grew up in a household where I was made to feel utterly worthless, as a younger teen my stepfather would tell me whenever he could to kill myself. Just... what she (my T) said made so much sense. Maybe I should have realized sooner, but I have been so busy fighting that one for so long I never did.
Anyways, today is the first day in 20 years I have not thought about suicide. It is only noon here... but usually its the first thing that crosses my mind when I wake up, and persists throughout the day. But... not today.
Another thing we talked about was around how hopeless I have been feeling. Like, everything that ever gave me strength and courage in myself was just taken from me. I couldn't find it... and was truly scared I never would be able to trust my mind and body again.
Silly how such seemingly little things can make a difference, but my therapist pointed out a lot of things I hadn't been able to see. She has also picked up on my learning style, and has clearly put a lot of thought and effort into my treatment plan.
One day at a time.
Today, I do not want to die. I want to live, and life seems possible again.
For my next trick, I am going to leave the house and go out in public. I have some new tools to try out today. Wish me luck.
