It's Over, I'm Shattered...

[Miss_Understood]

So my wife just told me it's over, unless I can begin to show her love. So we are just going to pretend to be together since we signed a year lease to live with her parents. I know I haven't been easy to love, I'm fact I have kind if wished everyone would hate me so I could just end it all. However knowing that she doesn't want to be with me when I feel like I'm literally teetering on the edge, let's face it I'm worthless, useless, an emotional abuser, a bad person.

She's right I do use my ptsd as an excuse. I use it to justify my actions. I feel like I've destroyed the one person who has been there for me so how could I have actually loved her? I didn't because I hate myself. I died that day I was attacked and I've been dead ever since but I disassociated and kept myself at such a distance, I've broken my own heart and I've shattered her into a million pieces.


Here I am ready to break into a million pieces and I still can't tell her that I love her but I'm a monster, a demon and I am nothing.

I am selfish, I don't love anyone how could I when I hate myself. And in all of this I can only think that I will never be what she wants. I'm not alive I'm been dead inside for years. Everything I touch dies.

I not good for her, I should let her but I'm too selfish to.

I'm sitting here shattering. I need advice, criticism, a boot to the head, a hug, I don't know.

I'm so empty I'm dead already. Wouldn't it be easier if I was ?

I can't live without her, she's the only thing that had kept me from ending it all and just as I expected, it wasn't enough.


I'm doing all I can not to hit rock bottom and nobody sees or acknowledges it. They want more, I can't give anymore :(

 

[Me Myself and I]

You are more alive than you think!! If you were dead and empty you wouldn't have been here seeking for help, giving and explanation or even witing about it.

It needs courage to speak up, to tell people that you are confused, scared and angry.

But this post shows just how much you care about that one person, and how much alive deep inside you are.

You just need to find a way to help yourself by yourself! Find a way to accept who you are as an individual, love yourself, be kind to yourself, seek a way out within yourself. Then only then you'll be able to love others and maybe admit it as well!!

Let your feelings for her be your source of strength and you'll sure find a way.

I wish you all the very best of luck, may you find the wisdom to guide you to what's peaceful and happy. :)

Sending you a warm hug.

 

[PureDogs]

Aw honey,

I would like to let you know that you are not only one.

I went through the similar thing and I prefer not to details much more.

If you would like to chat privately because I don't feel comfortable to details here.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

((((((((((@Miss_Understood))))))))))

 

[Echo]

@Miss_Understood - would it be possible to show your wife what you have written here? It is very powerful and it does clearly show that you love her. Even she would see that. If that is not possible, could you start by doing really little things? Maybe one a day for yourself and for her. It doesn't have to cost anything (a silly little drawing, a kiss on a post-it note, a flower, a warm bath run for her when she gets in), but always something loving for yourself and then a gesture for her. Maybe at the start it would feel a bit automatic or fake. Maybe it would make you feel silly or vulnerable, so maybe take it really slow. But your wife has told you what she'd like to see from you; she hasn't shut the door on you completely yet. Above it all, you need to look after yourself and get some good help.

You are not a demon; if you have PTSD, you are overwhelmed, and it is easy to appear self-obsessed and be so, because of the waves of difficult feelings and symptoms drowning you. Start somewhere for you and your wife; take it day-to-day. Give each other space but keep communicating, too. I wish you luck. Maybe this is the best thing that it comes to a head; it gives you both the chance to change things.

 

[franciemarnie]

I agree with @Echo. Show your wife this post or print it out. It says it all.

I would like to suggest the idea of asking her to give you specifics on how you could show your love. What specific actions or words would be meaningful to her? Maybe some you wouldn't be comfortable doing, but others you would.

 

[serenity55]

So sorry PTSD and relationships can be really hard. Mine is really high at this stage in my life and its really hard to not be able to connect, to want to and yet feel empty and disconnected anyways. My husband and I are in a similar space, but I am wanting out. Its too hard to feel so much stress about it and stuck between wanting and feeling like I can't.

We are giving each other a year to figure it out. Working with a trauma therapist in maritial counseling. It is really hard, after the first session I freaked out. But it is worth it. The counselor is able to help him understand what's going on with me and PTSD in a way I can't and things are moving some. For me and for him. Maybe if you are staying together for the lease you could try something like this.

Again so sorry. PTSD sucks. You are not weird, unlovable or selfish, you are just stuck trying to survive.

Sending hugs your way.

 

[tillybee]

@misunderstood I'm stuck for words. Your post has touched my heart. Please take care of yourself. You need people to realise that you need time for you regardless - it's hard I know. I wish I could help.

 

[billie]

How are you traveling now sweet?

 

[Miss_Understood]

Feel like I'm gonna barf. My wife is sick too, she's drinking and cutting herself. I can't save everyone, I'm not superman, I'm not a knight, I'm just a human who is broken.

 

[billie]

You are in a bad spot hun. Can you call a crisis line now sweet. It sounds like a volatile situation, I will inbox you.

 

[tillybee]

@billie I think you're right help is needed here. I hope @misunderstood can get the help & support she needs for herself and her wife. I think we would all like to hear a happy ending for both of them.