Relationship It's Time To Walk.....

[newbie2011]

After seeing my military guy for 5 months, I suspected he had PTSD after about 3 months, he eventually admitted it last month and has now started intensive therapy. After his first session he was declaring undying love, wanted me in his future, knew I was good for him etc. And in some ways I was relieved to hear his diagnosis and he was getting treatment so quickly.

It's been a tough 5 months but since his diagnosis I've tried to be even more patient and diplomatic, been supportive and given him encouragement, not put pressure on him at all but for my own sanity it is time to leave. He has let me down many a time but he really let me down badly last weekend which was extremely hurtful. At times he has displayed manipulative, controlling behaviour, he's tried to put me down, he is jealous and possessive and he speaks badly of my friends (none of which he has met) all of which I have told him I'm not tolerating. I'm starting to forget the 'good times' we have had and we always had great times when we were together, it's when we were apart he was a nightmare and he spends a lot of time working away. At times I have made excuses for his PTSD and his behaviour. I'm a strong person but this is wearing me down and it's impacting my life and health. I had posted an earlier post debating 'whether to stay or go' as I feel the relationship is always on his terms.

After him telling me he loved me last week, prior to the weekend incident, which we later discussed and he admitted he had treated me badly and that therapy wasn't working that well if he could treat me like that, this weekend a friend of mine informed me she had seen his profile on a dating site looking for a relationship!! This will probably explain his lack of communication with me this week. I was so angry I finished the relationship. He has admitted previously, he is struggling with everything and needs to get better and I do feel for him and I was going to suggest we forget dating at the moment and just be friends as he's not coping well and that would be one less 'pressure' or thing to think about but I would still be there for him and maintain regular contact. Apart from his parents and myself he hasn't told anyone about his PTSD so was battling this alone until he started therapy.

I love him and don't want to abandon him and I know PTSD is a psychological condition but I can't keep letting him 'kick me in the teeth' so to speak. I don't have years of history with him, I don't know what he was like pre-PTSD, I don't know what his prognosis will be, he seems to be worse after his last therapy session (I know this can happen) and I know there was a trigger factor going on too at present and I don't know if I would need therapy myself by the end of it! So I have taken the tough decision to move on with my life. I really feel for all PTSD sufferers and it has been enlightening to read your posts and learn about how your every day life is affected and I praise all the partners of those suffering because it is not an easy journey for both parties. Am just sorry I can no longer support my guy along his way.

 

[amethist]

Hi newbie

This is a tough decision to make for anyone, but admitting sooner rather than later that you cant keep being kicked like this, is a decision only you can make.

No one and I do mean absolutely no one else should have any influence on anyone staying in or leaving a relationship with PTSD. This is one that only you can look at and decide on, many have tried and many have had to make the same break as you are, for so many different reasons, but all with PTSD being the one thing that is stirring things up the wrong way.

If you need any help or support while you work through your own issues, you are very welcome to stay until you are fully back on your feet.

Never ever feel guilty for walking away newbie, you have done what you could and honestly admitted this was not what you could cope with.

Take care, and take good care of yourself, you deserve to some pampering now.

Amethist

 

[Jason111]

Newbie,

I think you are doing the right thing by trusting your limits, and as Amethist mentioned, and you are already seem to know, only you can define your limits. I've posted here before and I see how drawing limits with my girlfriend with PTSD causes her problems-anxieties, one's that she wishes to push away. But from the beginning, I stated I wanted a healthy relationship. It has been a lot of give and take in a short amount of time. I know that if it gets to that point, I will need to end things too. Hopefully it won't be the case.

Any person, PTSD or not, needs limits drawn in regards to their behavior and I've found that space (or emptiness to introduce a Buddhist theory/praxis) is sometimes the best way we can promote another's autonomy. It doesn't mean it will always work, because the minds of humans are tricky and subtle & repression / avoidance are sometimes seemingly easier than admittance and acceptance - this goes for anyone, not just sufferers.

I hope your man will realize what good your love provided him with space/emptiness from you. And if he doesn't, thats a shame, but one that cannot be controlled.

Stay smiling!

Jason

 

[newbie2011]

Thank you for your kind words Amethist and Jason111. I've been through tough times myself previously and it's taken me long enough to get back on my feet without being dragged down again. It's a shame because he will be an amazing guy if he can get through this. I just hope one day he realizes what we had and you're right I need to concentrate on getting myself back on track.

Thank you for your support

 

[sunshiney]

I don't know if I would need therapy myself by the end of it! .

You're a strong person to be able to walk away. A year and a half later of dealing with it, it has completely broken me. I have sadly developed my own issues. I don't blame the person for these issues though. I think my issues stem for multiple different things, including some of my own traumatic experiences I have gone through with my ex (sufferer). A year and a half later, my friends and family repeat the same words "this isn't you", "this isn't like you". I don't blame this person, because it was my decision to stay for as long as I did. I didn't know though. I didn't educate myself or understand.

A year and a half later, I'm more angry and hurt and lost and broken than I have ever been. I'm angry at myself for not walking away. I'm filled with anger and hurt. The most frustrating thing for me lately is I'm supposed to understand what he's going through and because he has PTSD I'm supposed to accept the bad behaviors, the constant up and down, the roller coaster (as it has been referred to). But it isn't okay for me to hurt and be angry at what he's put me through. He can't seem to understand.

His military friends say "you don't know what we've been through". And I want to scream, because I know I will never begin to understand a solider and the things they have gone through. I have said that so many times. I can't begin to pretend like I understand, but why is it when I have gone through my own traumatic experiences with this person it isn't okay for me to hurt or be upset? I know I'm supposed to accept it or move on, my own fault, but why is it not okay for me to hurt or be upset because of this person? I just don't get that.

 

[Jason111]

Sunny shiny and Newbie,

I'm very sorry to hear about your situations. This disorder is crippling, but it doesn't have to be if hard work can be done in therapy - the right support, the right therapist, the right psychiatrist - the right support may be our love for them, but we don't love the pain they put us through....

Tonight I decided to end my relationship with a wonderful woman suffering from PTSD. I caught her lying, she ditched out on my son and I and was probably using drugs. All avoidance for having to do the hard work - all denial, all an inability to do what is right for herself. She appears to be more willing to walk over those who care about her the most. But I cannot tolerate abuse and neglect - if she was truly ready to work and work together I would be there, because I love her dearly, but I don't see her trying. As I mentioned before, she hasn't been to therapy since we met.

Nonetheless, my strength and devotion to her will have to be at a distance, for now, maybe forever. If I don't make a break, how long will the cycles of neglect/abuse continue....indefinitely? Well, thats something I can't live with. So, I found my limit, as have you. There was so much beauty and pain crushed into a tiny moment in time.

Love is such a beautiful thing. Never give up that love....we just need to find an equal or at least a partner who is willing to work and meet us halfway.

Best of luck to all sufferers and carers....may we all find total happiness & boundless love!

Jason

 

[newbie2011]

Jason it's such a tough decision to make and no amount of reading that we do will ever make us truelly understand what it is like to have PTSD, I've read lots on PTSD, watched lots of TV programmes on the military and been amazed at what these guys go through, to try and gain a better understanding. I even asked my guy if he felt comfortable talking to me about it and explained I found it hard to understand this rage and the emotions and it would be nice to hear it from his perspective but he said he only felt safe talking to his therapists, which I understood and accepted. We have split up so many times, any disagreement at all and his attitude is 'let's just leave it' then admits afterwards he doesn't want to give up. I thought starting therapy might help and it has to a certain degree (he no longer sends me angry texts) and I knew there was going to be ups and downs but he doesn't seem to be willing to make the time to see me now and I'm not prepared to have a relationship with someone I see one night every fortnight or so. We both agreed we had a real connection from the start and were willing to make the effort to have a long term relationship.

It's exceptionally hard to leave when the good times are good but when the bad times are outweighing the good I think it's time to look inwardly and reflect on your own needs. I've decided I need love, respect and honesty and I'm not getting that, it's hard not to take things personally at times (most of the time I manage well) but now and again I have exploded then I feel guilty. After his bad behaviour, I explain that his behaviour is not appropriate and won't be tolerated, I explain how it makes me feel, I told him last week I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster where he builds me up and I look forward to seeing him then he crashes me down by not turning up, no contact, no nothing and I don't deserve it. He apologises for the hurt but then does it again. I've been understanding and told him if he needs time out, just say, sometimes I wonder if I've been too understanding.

I've spent years sorting my own stuff out after being in a relationship with an ex who played mind games all the time and I feel like I'm back there. Is it the PTSD? I don't know. Sunshiney I understand where you're at because this is slowly breaking me, I've lost weight, look stressed, feel drained, friends are commenting on my appearance and how I've lost my spark. Even my guy has commented on my weight loss. Sometimes I want a cuddle, the closeness and he's not there, I'm hurting just now but I'd rather be hurting on my own than continually getting hurt. I can see a good guy in there but he's just struggling big time at the moment. I've waited this long to meet a life long partner and I've had to be honest and say I can't live a life with a one sided relationship where it's always on his terms.

Every situation is different and only you will know the decision for you. It's reassuring to hear other people's situations too and to know you're not alone.

Sending you all some love and hope

 

[sunshiney]

This disorder is crippling, but it doesn't have to be if hard work can be done in therapy - the right support, the right therapist, the right psychiatrist - the right support may be our love for them, but we don't love the pain they put us through....

My ex won't get help either. It is crippling, it doesn't have to be, but it is. It is also crippling to those who stand by. In a way I blame myself for enabling it to be so bad for so long.

 

[sunshiney]

It's exceptionally hard to leave when the good times are good but when the bad times are outweighing the good I think it's time to look inwardly and reflect on your own needs. I've decided I need love, respect and honesty and I'm not getting that, it's hard not to take things personally at times (most of the time I manage well) but now and again I have exploded then I feel guilty. He apologises for the hurt but then does it again.

I've spent years sorting my own stuff out after being in a relationship with an ex who played mind games all the time and I feel like I'm back there. Is it the PTSD? I don't know. Sunshiney I understand where you're at because this is slowly breaking me, I've lost weight, look stressed, feel drained, friends are commenting on my appearance and how I've lost my spark. Even my guy has commented on my weight loss. Sometimes I want a cuddle, the closeness and he's not there, I'm hurting just now but I'd rather be hurting on my own than continually getting hurt. I can see a good guy in there but he's just struggling big time at the moment. I've waited this long to meet a life long partner and I've had to be honest and say I can't live a life with a one sided relationship where it's always on his terms.

There are those GREAT times where you feel like ok things are starting to get better and then you turn around and it comes crashing down. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. I look in the mirror and I don't even like what I see any more. Once again, I blame me for staying. I've had so many chances to walk away and I never have. Walk away before it completely breaks you.

I can't even sit here and write this without crying. I am the same way. It is hard not to take things personally. I used to be calm, but I have let it get the best of me and have exploded myself and then feel terrible for it. And then I'm the "bad guy" so to speak.

Some people are strong enough, they have the thicker skin. I used to have thick skin. Now I just feel completely damaged. I feel that I'm so damaged now. I feel as though I'm like a cut, if you touch it it hurts. I can't even get close to people now. I don't want to. It's incredibly hard.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry sunshiney, and others :(
What a burden it can be.

What you (sunshiney) just described above is much how ptsd feels as regards 'trauma', (and) how one feels who has it (ptsd).

 

[sunshiney]

Strange you say that, because it isn't me that has the ptsd, at least I don't think. My sufferer has often said to me, he thinks I will have it because of him. Is this even possible? Usually the times when he will say this to me it is when he's seen me completely broken and upset.

I have gone through my own traumatic experiences with this person who suffers. I never used to be angry, but lately it seems anger has filled me up inside. In the beginning I used to be so calm. He could never understand how I was so calm at times where he would explode at me and then as time progressed and the more hurt that came along, I slowly felt like I was dying inside.

I have become this horrible person that is full of anger and hurt. I'm angry at myself because I feel as though it is my fault. I feel that if I would have walked away before it got really bad, it wouldn't be as bad as it is. I feel as though I made him worse because I enabled the bad behavior, the roller coaster ride to continue. EVERY single time he did something hurtful to me I accepted the apology. Every time I tried to walk away I saw that "good" in him. He did or said something to keep me holding on just a little bit more. I tried to get close to other people, just can't seem to do it.

 

[Tinyflame]

No, I didn't mean you have ptsd, I meant how you feel is how a person with ptsd feels a lot (or ~always), that they were 'someone else before' and 'had thicker skin' and 'no longer recognize themself, anymore', 'used to be calm', maybe now react with anger, blame themselves, a 'cut that (will never heal)', can't get close to people and don't want to, etc, after the ptsd.

'That' is why it is not personal or anything 'personally lacking', in anyone else.

((((Hugs))))