Relationship It's Time To Walk.....

[sunshiney]

I see what you're saying. I don't mean to sound selfish but when do my feelings matter? Why is it supposed to be "okay" and "acceptable" for someone who suffers with PTSD to treat people this way and when I react to it (sometimes in a bad way) I become this horrible person? And nobody can understand why I'm so hurt by all of this. I will never and have never pretended to understand what someone goes through, but I care enough to try to educate myself as much as possible.

Sorry, just been having a rough few days and needed a place to vent.

 

[newbie2011]

Sunshiney I feel your pain, it's the highs and the lows that start to affect you and I think when you're giving all the time, trying to show them how much you care, trying to keep them calm then they throw it back at you, it's normal behaviour to get angry and frustrated and have resentment because all you want is that good time back, you know they can do it, they've shown you that at times but the problem is, it isn't consistent. And sometimes you feel like screaming look at what this is doing to me, but they seem oblivious....yes we can choose to leave whereas the person suffering from PTSD doesn't have that choice. Should we just not have any expectations, easy to say isn't it. I personally think it must be hard if someone won't seek therapy, at least by getting therapy I feel the sufferer is being brave and wanting to tackle the issues.

I really don't know the answer, all I know is you have to look after yourself, we only have one life and everyone deserves to be happy and loved.

 

[sunshiney]

all you want is that good time back, you know they can do it, they've shown you that at times but the problem is, it isn't consistent. And sometimes you feel like screaming look at what this is doing to me, but they seem oblivious..

I personally think it must be hard if someone won't seek therapy, at least by getting therapy I feel the sufferer is being brave and wanting to tackle the issues.

I really don't know the answer, all I know is you have to look after yourself, we only have one life and everyone deserves to be happy and loved.

That is EXACTLY it. I want the good back. I hold on to the good, not realizing how much it outweighs the bad. There is no consistency and that kills me. And I often feel like screaming look at what this is and has done to me. I would think that me lashing out would be enough. The tears, the sadness in my face. And I'm tired of hearing "you don't know what I've been through". Yes, I never said I did but I feel like screaming you don't know what I've been through to love someone so much that I have literally stayed around to be a punching bag to it all. What about what I've been through? Ya know. I don't sit here making excuses for my poor behaviors and actions. I own up to it. I think it takes a stronger person to admit you're wrong and you have issues yourself. We all have issues and problems, some worse than others, but we all have them, problems.

And then to have this person sit there and recognize they have affected your life in a traumatic way in want no parts of getting help. They simply just continue to hurt people and feel nothing. They feel nothing because "I don't know what they've been through". This person to sit there and say they ruined your life and be content with actually feeling that way and be okay with themselves. I can't stand to see people upset, even a stranger, and to think someone is upset because of me would kill me, but not him. Nope. I'm not a perfect person, this all has made me so angry and lash out, and I'm not proud of that but I have feelings too.

 

[sunshiney]

And then I keep saying to myself, "love shouldn't hurt". Love should be a lot of things, but never hurtful.

 

[Jason111]

My ex won't get help either. It is crippling, it doesn't have to be, but it is. It is also crippling to those who stand by. In a way I blame myself for enabling it to be so bad for so long.

Yes, I know and the enabling does nothing good for the carer or sufferer, in the end both lose. As I said above, I'm in process of terminating my relationship with a sufferer due to neglect, anger, abuse and a lack of an ability to nurture the relationship, keep plans etc. It's been so inconsistent these last five months. I'm heartbroken and anxious, but am 'hopelessly hopeful' that in losing me she will be able to see that she really needs true help with a trusted therapist. It's a long road for her, and I wish I could stay (maybe we can be friends at some point)... But I cannot tolerate any more pain.

The co-dependent/ enabling cycle can be / is so hard to break, which is strange because it never does anyone any good.

 

[A D]

Anger as a carer is sometimes our lifeline. I mean, for me, getting angry enough to say I am not your doormat has been my lifeline. Yes we stop loving ourselves, at first we are giving out of a nice full cup , the overflow , and then after a while the cup is drained and we are still giving , the anger is there to show us as carers your cup is empty. Thats when we need to really realise we need to love ourselves and should have been loving ourselves as much as them all along.

Their ptsd can cause us to have ptsd or panic attacks or anxiety or or or .......I mean yes they went through stuff, but what have we endured ? The same as bombings as times as life is smooth and then BANG you are side swiped by his PTSD from no where , you didnt see it coming, or for me , he would grab stuff and in a rage leave. The emptiness was like having something ripped away from my insides. It wouldn't have been in a normal breakup of two rational people but his breakups were rage and run, and then the thoughts are do I start to grieve or will he be back ? Then he would be back for the next cycle. always 2 weeks good then a traumatic run sending me into grief . Finally I was a basket case . My personality had changed from a strong woman into a blubbering idiot, please dont leave etc . Now I am angry I ever behaved like that and got sucked into the cycle.

I got a link yesterday from a friend on FB about men being Heros emotionally in relationshiops . And frankly ladies thats what we need . If they are real Heros they will do the necessary work to heal and fight for there queen, if not seriously, we dont need to suffer emotional trauma like they did . Frankly they signed up for it, we never did . Sorry to be a bitch but no Im not. Its time to love ourselves enough, we are worth it .

I was once many years ago diagnosed with PTSD from a trauma. I did 7 years of hard work on it and stopped the tranquilizers when I had worked it through. Any man worth my unconditional love has to be a Hero and do the work. I am worth it as are all of you ! (This goes for us all, men , women , carers. ) We are worth it.

The following is not about PTSD but is relevant to some degree :

The Awakened Man and His Hero's Journey* ~Jonathan Aslay

If you have even been in a relationship for any length of time you would agree with me that there can be many areas of conflict. One of the most frequent fields of concern is the lack of intimacy shared between a man and a woman. Unfortunately women have been conditioned to think nothing of pursuing men and putting up with their bad relationship behavior. They absolve men for being emotionally distant, physically and emotionally evasive, and abusive. They excuse them for being workaholics, relationally unskilled and incompetent at navigating love relationships. I believe the current problems men and women experience in relationships have something to do with a lack of hero’s journey in men’s lives.

Granted, not all men are hard to love, but many are. The number of men, women and families that suffer because of this is astounding. For those who are seeking a way to repair their relationship, consider this: One of the keys that would help men be more interactive and create happier relationships would be to undertake a hero’s journey to intimacy.

Single Man’s Hero Journey

What can a single man do if he is has been unlucky in love?

A single man’s hero journey to intimacy may begin when his relationship falls apart and he finally realizes that he actually had something to do with yet another relationship failure. He may also undertake his hero’s quest when he finally realizes that he will never meet the right woman unless he does something radically different.

He will then pursue an inner journey, assisted by great magicians and alchemists – therapists, coaches and support groups – to understand and transfigure his inner dynamics. He will go on a personal quest and find himself inside of himself. This will take time and effort causing him much suffering. But he will persist, knowing that if he does not
change, love will continue to be elusive.

As he chooses to take this emotional lead and endure the fires of struggle within, the dross begins to separate from his soul, transforming his ability to love creating integrity and value likened to that of precious gold. He will grow himself up by learning what emotionally mature men do in relationships. He will learn how to love without losing himself. He will discover how to stand firm and still be loving. He will understand how to give generously and yet take care of his own needs. He will learn how to be passionate and creative while maintaining his maturity. This is the kind of man most women are seeking nowadays for a relationship partner.

Note to Women: If you are seeking an emotionally mature man, you will want to find out if the man you are about to date has had some sort of hero’s journey that has taught him how to be mature in a relationship.

Married / In a Relationship Man’s Hero Journey

Where do you turn if you are a man unhappy with your relationship or marriage? What do you do if you are a woman unhappy with your relationship or marriage?

If a man is already in a relationship and struggling, he needs to be encouraged by his partner to take a hero’s journey. Instead of begging and pleading, criticizing and cajoling or putting up with bad behavior, women may want to learn how to become the quest. Women must allow themselves to be won by a man, rather than chasing him or making it easy for him to “get you.”
I know this is an old-fashioned idea and I am sure that many will be unhappy with the passive role that I am suggesting women take, but think about it this way:

If something is easily attained, especially by a child, it is usually considered of little value and discarded. Consider a child who gets many presents for which he or she did not have to work. If a toy gets broken or lost it’s not a big deal – the child will just pick up another toy.
Men who have not gone on a journey of emotional maturity are like children when it comes to relationships. The women who are with them are the toys. If you were easily attained, if you are the one that wants him more, if you are the one who keeps asking for closeness, you will be easily ignored and perhaps discarded.

Men who have not undergone a hero’s journey prior to meeting you must learn how to win you over. In their personal battles they need to slay their own dragons of fear and relational immaturity.

The prescription for this journey is the same as a single man’s, except with one key difference: The love and connection he has with you is the prize at the end of his journey. You are his quest.

The man’s journey must be treacherous and difficult, but not in the way that modern women make men’s journey to intimacy difficult. Do not criticize him when he doesn’t act the way you desire. Do not chase him to get him to talk to you. Do not cajole or overwhelm him to get him to be close to you. Instead, be the queen in the castle, unattainable until the dragon is slain. Be the queen in the high tower, untouchable and unavailable until he treats you as a hero must treat his queen. Do not come down out of your castle until he has won your heart. Allow him his full journey experience and allow him to win you over, so that he can mature into the relationship hero you and he want him to be.

So what does a hero’s quest have to do with men and intimacy? Everything! A man will not be able to have a healthy, mature, loving relationship until he undertakes a hero’s quest and learns how to love. Single men may take up this quest when they fail at love yet again. Men in relationships will take up this quest when the woman in their life becomes the queen in the high tower. When a man decides it’s important enough to slay the fierce dragons in his life in order to win the love and adoration of the queen, he will make it his purpose to over throw all obstacles to intimacy and attain victory on the hero’s journey.

<Edited for full line spaces between paragraphs, spelling, punctuation and correcting words written in shorthand. By Amethist>

 

[sunshiney]

Anger as a carer is sometimes our lifeline. I mean, for me, getting angry enough to say I am not your doormat has been my lifeline. Yes we stop loving ourselves . .... at first we are giving out of a nice full cup , the overflow , and then after a while the cup is drained and we are still giving , the anger is there to show us as carers your cup is empty. Thats when we need to really realise we need to love ourselves and should have been loving ourselves as much as them all along..

Thank you for sharing. I am glad to know I am not the only one who gets angry or who has gotten angry. I used to be a calm cool collective person, but as time went on I have become more and more angry. I lost myself. I stopped loving myself and just became as you said drained while still trying to give.

EXACTLY! It has never been a normal break up. We argue, we break up, he leaves and comes back in time as if nothing ever happened and sweet talks me and things will be good then we argue, he leaves and comes back. I have found that is his answer when times are tough he runs, when we get close, he runs. I kept getting sucked back into the cycle. I kept feeding into the lines or things he would say to me. Never any consistency. It isn't until I have decide to start getting over him that he seems to get a sign or signal and wants to actually try or pretend to care to suck me back in.

I just don't get it. No matter what we have been through or gone through in the past year and a half, we break up he finds a new girl, somehow and someway we always end up right back where we were. He always ends up coming back to me. We argue one day and the next make up as if nothing happened.

I have tried to understand him, his behaviors, his ups and downs, his good days and bad days, even though I haven't been through war, I have learned to understand that his behaviors have a deeper root - that there is something behind it, but for some reason he can't understand my behaviors and the anger I have built up (partly as a result of something really bad that happened to me due to him). It is as if I'm not supposed to be angry - I'm not supposed to cry or be hurt because I haven't been through what he's been through, but all the while he hasn't been through what I've been through with him.

 

[amethist]

Have you ever thought sunshiney, that you may be enabling him to do this to you time after time, because each time he leaves, you then let him back in, and he knows you will, because he knows how to work it.

He leaves, find some one else, gets fed up, sweet talks you and he comes back. Then he leaves, finds someone else, gets fed up, sweet talks you and he comes back.

The pattern repeats and repeats, and you let it.

I do understand the process, as that is what my ex husband did to me twice, but not for a third time, as he got given a divorce instead. No PTSD, but still the same pattern.

This may sound harsh, but take the PTSD out if it all, would you still do the same thing. ???

You should love yourself more than them. Loving them unconditionally is not on the agenda when you are treated like this, no matter what excuse they give you.

Think about it, as PTSD is no excuse to do this at all, ever.

 

[sunshiney]

that you may be enabling him to do this to you time after time, because each time he leaves, you then let him back in, and he knows you will, because he knows how to work it.

Thanks for your response!

Yes, I have thought about this A LOT lately. I blame myself partly for enabling it for so long, just can't seem to find a way to break the vicious cycle. Just been hanging on to hope that one day it would change, ya know? It is as if I am the fall back plan, always. I am the cushion to fall on when all else fails. I am never the first option, just the back up plan.

I let it and let it because I have always taken on a care taking role. I always want to take care of someone and be needed, I suppose. These are issues I have with me and not being able to fix them is self destructing myself.

I just got this quote in my daily thoughts for the day : "Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do."

 

[newbie2011]

I fell into the trap too, every time we argued and split up it was always me who caved in and contacted him. I was basically then allowing him to think that it was okay to treat me bad because I would run back. Not this time. Don't get me wrong it is so hard, every day I want to contact my ex, I know he was having therapy today and I want to find out how it went but I have to be strong and resist all urges to contact him. Having PTSD does not allow someone to treat you bad and play games with you.

Just keep thinking 'Be true to yourself' and believe that time is a healer and hopefully the pain in our hearts will subside soon.