I've Always Wanted To Tell You...

[Owahi]

To my mom: I'm tired of hearing you laugh and say, "well I wasn't that bad of a parent, right?" Stop it. I nod and say yes, but you know it isn't true, or you wouldn't keep looking for me to answer that question. I don't know mom. Every other 7 year old I knew came to school with their thighs red from being smacked because they talked to you while you were driving. Every parent I know fights, argues, and screams with their small child EVERY SINGLE morning. It's normal for children to stare at a tree while waiting in the car alone (after being rushed and yelled at and argued with for an hour), saying, "God, if my mom is an alien, please move this tree." I thought as a child that the only way to explain your behavior was that you were literally not from here, and had stolen me or something. When I turned 11 I began compulsively checking the mail, terrified that my letter from Hogwarts was coming, and you were going to hide it. I thought I didn't belong to the family I was born into. I believe I was 6 when I started keeping a bag packed so I could run away. I hid it because I didn't know what you would do if you found it. You already let me do so little, I thought maybe you'd never let me leave the house again for fear that I would run. But I couldn't run. "I have spies," you always told me. What a horrible thing to tell a child! I was terrified to ever make a mistake, to ever be imperfect, because they would tell you and I would be in trouble. Every time I wanted to run, I'd think, "where will I go? My mom has spies everywhere."

 

[Oveful]

This is the most one-sided f**king relationship I've ever been in. It's always me me me! I know that some of this is my fault for putting up with your crap. I know things are difficult for you right now but you're NOT EFFING ROBINSON CRUSOE! I don't want to enable you, and one of these days I'm hoping that some of my needs are going to get met. That's why I'm trying to set boundaries with you. And yes, I will get pissed off when you just bulldoze right through them and act like I'M the ones who's being unreasonable! You are treating me like CRAP! Nice guy my F**KING ASS!

 

[Dewov]

I find your facebook conversations about spanking and BDSM boring as hell! Your monotoned voice bores me though I find your accent sexy. The way you tell me what I am and refuse to listen to me tell you that's not who I am and that I know I am something else I find incredibly arrogant. I know myself better than you know me thanks. You don't seem to know me at all and you act as though you are the authority on me. You've gone from acting like this super "nice" guy who is so considerate and respectful to suddenly an ass. You confuse the hell out of me...and I think you are so wrapped up in yourself and what's going on for you inside that you are completely unaware of how it is turning me off you. No wonder the last woman totally rejected you, and now you act this way to avoid being rejected by me, which makes me reject you. We are in very different places emotionally, psychologically and spiritually I think and not really that compatible after all...it was all just oxytocin. Sex chems bond.

 

[Avit]

That even after 2 years of not having you as my therapist I still search you on the internet. I wonder at times if this is stalking or if this is curiosty. As if I found you in practice near my area I would return to you in a heartbeat.

 

[Rofuw]

That you make me feel like a ghost in this house. That you love that computer and your "other world" more than you love me. That it makes me so depressed and angry when you deny that you spend too much time with that thing, or deny that you ignore me or deny that you no longer help me do anything around this house. We used to go out, we used to be active, what happened to that? Why do you sit for hours on that thing!? Why is that world more important than me, here, in life, in reality!? Am I that much of an emotional drain on you? Am I that much of an annoyance to you that you have to "leave" me?

I am angry that you tell me you only use it when you need to de-stress. I guess I'm stressing you out constantly then. You don't even make decisions anymore and I'm so damned tired of carrying everything on my own. I struggle to do what I do around this house, and that is so damned little now. All of it is geared toward keeping you happy, taking care of your needs and when I fall over that PTSD cliff, you're not here for me to look after my needs, instead I have to find that place that keeps my feet moving and my body dragging behind.

I'm angry with you. I'm not happy anymore. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to carry me anymore. I just want you to look after me with the same damned care and consideration that I look after you with - is that too much to ask!?

 

[Utazo]

We had a Fairy Tale beginning and you made it a nightmare. You trapped me. You trapped my soul, my life; everything I had worked so hard to reclaim from previous abuse. All of it you claimed, you made all my decisions for me, and in one night, one moment, turned my greatest friend and confidant against me, bared your teeth and true nature, and took claim of my life and heart in the rights of 'love'.

There's no possible words to express the level of sick and vile hatred I feel for you. How much I would love to deny you all that you are to see how you cope. Take away all your heart loves and desires, and present you with nothing but your deepest fears, and smile. Just smile. And get angry and threaten you with fears you did not even know you had when you are not happy. Just for that one glimpse of you realizing what you wrought in me. And show you the sickening fury of self hatred and loathing you treated me to.

Hate. And anger. And a burning on my skin I'll live with for God knows how long.

Thanks for nothing, all those horrid words and descriptions you were worried I'd remember you as? I do. That is all you are. And all you'll ever be. I wish I would have left you to writhe and bleed when I rescued you. Because it's far more than you ever deserved. I'd give anything to go back, and watch, see you limp away and do nothing.

And smile.

Just.

Smile.