I've Had Ptsd Since I Was 28

[scrabblequeenkt]

But until the last couple years (lung cancer & 6 other surgeries), I have never had so many suicidal ideations. I had 5 suicide attempts in my 20"s but never knew I was doing it. I would drink and then take all my antidepressants meds. Quite drinking a long tme ago, and now the suicide ideations are so real. I really want out of here. My mind, my body, but mostly my spirit is gone. I live in a state with assisted death, and wish people like me would also have those options.

 

[Kintsugi]

Welcome to the forum, Scrabble. I'm sure you'll find support here. Lots of resources and information to be found.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

It definitely sounds like you have a lot going on. Do you have at least one good doctor? What about a therapist whom you trust? I hope so. I am glad that you have been able to quit drinking. That at least removes the impulsive trigger out of the equation. Do you have a crisis plan set up with service providers, doctors, a therapist, friends? With the suicidal ideations feeling so real, it can switch over easily. Please try to be safe and get some help.

 

[Srain]

I'm sorry you are going through so much, it must be extremely exhausting. I'm glad you found this site because you are not alone with the PTSD and the symptoms you are having. I live with constant suicide ideation as well, there is a way to do that with help so that it is not ruling your every moment. As Deaf Global mentioned, a good trauma specialist can make all the difference in the world if you are ready to work this through and deal with what is going on.

I can well imagine it seems impossible at this time that anything will change but it can. Your first step was coming here and that is great :) Welcome!

Rain

 

[Rob_Dog19]

I know exactly how you feel...and like everyone else, i hope that you have a good T who can help you not to act on those actions...if you feel like you are unable to fight off the suicidal feelings, remember to seek emergency help.

 

[scrabblequeenkt]

It definitely sounds like you have a lot going on. Do you have at least one good doctor? What about a therapist whom you trust? I hope so. I am glad that you have been able to quit drinking. That at least removes the impulsive trigger out of the equation. Do you have a crisis plan set up with service providers, doctors, a therapist, friends? With the suicidal ideations feeling so real, it can switch over easily. Please try to be safe and get some help.

I do have a psychologist, and since losing my job in Feb (no health insurance) he has opted to see me for free. He is awesome, but sadly my only support. My medical dr. had made my situation worse by blaming all my medical issues on PTSD, which resulted me in living with MRSA infected mesh inside me for months. Which in turn resulted in 3 major surgeries, costing me 1/3 of abdomen. It's been one medical nightmare after the other for a continuous 2 years. I have had 7 recurrent infections just since September. No friends left, and no family, and I'll be losing my home soon. I am glad I found this site because I know I need some support... so here I am.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hi Scrabblequeen,

I am very glad that you have a psychologist who is still willing to see you! Can you check out resources at your local NAMI office? That's the National Alliance on Mental Illness. What about a county case manager? You can usually get a quick referral for county case management services by calling a crisis line within your state. Services usually snowball from there.

I love the "blame game" quite a few medical professionals play :mad:. Oftentimes it is connected to feeling overwhelmed and wanting to refer people to someone else instead of the doctors themselves trying to deal with it. For some patients the referrals can be helpful and useful (if you have time, resources, patience, etc...) and for others they are unrealistic (e.g. no health insurance, PTSD directly or indirectly related to medical care, lack of transportation to medical appointments) and come across as blame. Related to PTSD leading to all kinds of physical problems can actually be real, but that is not your fault. There is quite a bit of research that shows that the increased hormone levels (e.g. stress hormones) are connected with different illnesses and diseases (e.g. cardiovascular diagnoses). Correlation does not prove causation anyway. It's important for medical professionals to realize that patients with PTSD did not order PTSD on a wish-list and can just "unwish" it (although I personally would love to press an "unwish" button at times. There is no way to know if PTSD is connected to a specific illness in a specific patient, nor does it matter if it actually is or may be. I would love to see the research on PTSD leading to MRSA, a purely biological disease most commonly acquired WITHIN the medical setting.

I'm sorry if this last paragraph is confusing. I felt like I was jumping around, but it is a topic about which I am deeply passionate (professionally and personally). I have been there and end up there on a regular basis when I show up in an emergency department for a concussion caused by lack of balance from inner ear damage. The important message is that none of your medical issues are your fault in any way, shape, or form...

Feel free to contact me via a private message if you want me to help you locate some services within your state. I live in Minnesota and we have quite a net of services that I either have used or currently use, despite all of the cuts.

Best of luck!