Relationship Ive left my partner ,a ptsd sufferer

[Free to fly]

Hi 2 weeks ago i had the courage to separate from my partner of 5 years ..He developed PTSD from being in the army ..he also i believe has BPD and ABPD is on medication and drunk heavily . We didnt live together because i needed a bolt hole . But it still didnt stop him controling every aspect of my life ..He isolatated me , was Physically abusive which stopped but he became sublte with his abuse ..a quick bite ripping clothes or punch to arm or leg when getting close to him , verbally abusive , emotional and coersive abusive and became unwell myself because of it ..i stayed because i love him and thought he needed me ..no what he needed me for to to release his anger and mental unhappiness out on me ..we were great when we met but 6 months into the relationship i found out he has PTSD ..it changed
He told me of previous relationships ..i should have fled but didnt
and stayed hoping hed change and wanted to support him ..he didnt and it got worse , jealousy , gaslighting isolating me from family and freinds humiliating me in front of his young son constantly puting me down, controling me until i was lost in control i hsd no self esteem left no life i was walking on constant egg shells ..it took a light bulb moment to say enough is enough when he hurt my dog ! my advice to anyone in the same situation ..if you love yourself GET OUT !! it will never get better ever ..yes it hurts ..but it will get better ..im lucky i had no children or house ties with him and we live in a different town ..and have no contact and get help from a support group asap !! you will need help to get over this from a professional ..ive ended up with wounds mentally from this ...save yourself and dont look back and good luck ive written a poem
Who am i now ?
A broken brittle bag of bones in a bag
as i happens its a soggy wet paper bag im finding easy to get out of.I see i was a broken puppet - but hey wete are the strings to this maranett ?they have gone :)
It will take time to rebuild yourself up again .. you deserve better ..move on to fullfil your life dont br scared you can do it your a fighter be happy and peace ful :) x

 

[TwilightDream]

Thank you for sharing your story.

it took a light bulb moment to say enough is enough when he hurt my dog

The dog??? Now I know he must of lost his mind. That would seriously be my breaking point as well.

 

[Sweetpea76]

The second somebody would BITE me would be the second I leave. Who does that? That's something a chimpanzee would do.

 

[LuckiLee]

Meds and alcohol are a deadly combination. Glad you got out of that situation.

 

[Fadeaway]

Sounds like PTSD was the least of his problems. Holy cow, glad you got out.

 

[dulcia]

Hahaha to @Sweetpea76's comment because my ex-sufferer bit me once, too. It obviously wasn't funny in the moment, but being out of that relationship has finally allowed me to see how ridiculous it all was. Good luck, Free To Fly.

 

[Freida]

You did the right thing! PTSD is never an excuse to use your supporter as a personal pinata!

 

[Mee]

Good for you.

I have ridden big emotional waves through this and asked my partner to be very clear when I cross lines. If I were in anyway physical with him I would not live with my self and when I feel I am being ... emotionally heavy I withdraw because this is not his burden.

We are learning how to tackle this more together but it’s vital imo that partner’s do not become a valve of emotional relief or avoidance let alone abuse.

I really hope you find yourself emotionally recovered from this abuse very swiftly

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I am still so baffled at the behavior of some sufferers ie., aggressive and abusive, break ups and emotional numbing. I’m not sure of what to believe anymore. One minute I’m thinking, ptsd is really a destructive illness. Next I’m thinking, the sufferer may be using the illness to be destructive and abusive. I’m also told, that my ex just wanted to break up with me, but couldn’t it be the illness causing him to destroy the relationship? I’ve read this many times before.

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not burning a torch waiting for something that may not be there, however, I am still researching this illness and trying to get answers for things I still don’t quite understand.

If you can’t understand what I’m doing by asking questions, then please respect me by either blocking me or not responding.

 

[Mee]

I think an issue MIGHT be that sufferers got here different routes? And have different backgrounds and experiences besides PTSD. I am not aggressive but I feel my fear, insecurity and ’emotions’ and the way kwrighls round them currently takes up more room than if needs to in my relationship. If I had ptsd from a more violent situation or were a person where anger were not an issue I can see anger and outburst would be a risk.

Essentially emotional containment under pressure is failing. Mine cones out as panic and tears, but I can see why rage and violence might be an exoression.

Neither are pleasant for a partner or people around us; both have impact. I think whether the illness leads it excuses is going to be highly dependant. On the person and how they are tackling it. I know there are things j am not prepared to engage with yet. I do not answer the phone and frankly I cannot see being there for s long time yet. I do not feel ready to push this area of my reaction yet. But I do feel need to work on containment and not impacting people I care for and interact with regularly. I think not thinking about ’it’ for whole days and in normal conversations is a more important area for me to extend my comfort level over than answering the telephone.

Others might think’its just a telephone, what is the excuse?’ My ’excuse’ is, in order to keep the primary relationship in my life least impacted it burns through a lot if my reserves. Some relationships have had to go, some extraneous things gave had to go and some things others feel ’normal’ don’t feel normal to me anymore; priority means they are on a back burner.

If I were not working on any of it yeah, it would feel like an excuse. ( I think this might be something some c ptsd sufferers might have a familiar feeling with, jy therapist raised it today ; the idea of always feeling having to be trying and not making excuses, but working at things. .... Sometimes its just too hard. That doesn’t mean a partner should stay and be part of a cycle of abuse; no way at all.

 

[Freida]

I think @Mee has a good point - about who you were before the ptsd. If you were a cranky person before ptsd then it could drive you to rage...if you were more laid back and non confrontational then it could drive to ghosting.

Plus, how did you get it? It always revolves around death or near death --- but whose? And were there other people involved? Was it a decision you made or one made for you? Were you a fighter or submissive? Do you feel guilty? Or are you angry? How old were you? What coping techniques did you have in place already? Everyone is going to react differently to what happened to cause it -- even if two people go through the same situation at the same time they will react differently.

That might be why it is so hard to get a "real" answer. There are so many emotions that run rampant in the brain it's hard to figure out which is the ptsd and which is the person. My guess would be people who are impatient with their feelings would be the ones most likely to go to rage -- but that's just a guess.

As far as those who treat their supporters like crap? Replace ptsd with alcoholism. what abuse is acceptable from someone who is an alcoholic? Why would it be more acceptable to have abuse from someone with ptsd?

These are just some random ideas that were bopping thru my brain on how people react .......

 

[Justmehere]

Free to fly - so glad you got out of that abusive relationship! Abuse is a solid deal breaker. I hope you enjoy your freedom from him.

I’m also told, that my ex just wanted to break up with me, but couldn’t it be the illness causing him to destroy the relationship?

You are asking a fair (but repeated) question, and the answer is that sometimes yes, PTSD can play a role. Sometimes no, it wasn’t due to PTSD that a relationship fell apart but problems like trust being betrayed, or boundaries run over or etc.

That being said, you are completely missing the forest for the trees on this thread. This thread by the OP is about someone physically abusing someone else. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if PTSD caused the abuser to bite them or not. It’s time to get out and run!