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Deleted member 20978
Hello all. I wanted to post a new thread in Introductions, since I haven't been around here since 2013, but the forum won't allow a second intro.
I'm *crazy* depressed. Isolation and complete lack of roots (two very related things) are killing me. I wrote longer detailed descriptions of some of what I was going through in 2013, but the long story short:
I grew up with abandonment issues, and some emotional abuse. Parents separated when I was only 1 year old, never had any siblings or cousins, only one grandparent alive who lived 1000 miles away and died in 2008.
My father stopped speaking to me when I was in my early 30s, unbeknownst to me he had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's in his mid-60s. He died in 2011 and I saw him for the first time in 8 years on his death bed. He was emaciated and basically gone mentally, couldn't even talk.
In 2013, I happened to work right next door to the Boston Marathon bombings, was very traumatized by this (longer story, maybe will write about it some time), and subsequently lost my job for requesting a personal day the next day. I was neither fired nor did I quit; it was very illegal.
My wife left me in 2014, after we'd both been dealing with acute PTSD for the past year, which itself revealed to both of us that we'd each been struggling with complex PTSD from childhood.
Within a few months of my wife leaving, my mother started showing dementia. She is now in assisted living and I feel I've had no access to her for over a year, as she is just not all there.
In the aftermath of the bombings, and all my family losses, my friends evaporated, some explicitly telling me they thought I was crazy, as I was sharing some very hard to believe things that were happening to me (not mentioned here, too loaded).
I've now been out of work since April, 2013, am collecting disability, and am basically rotting away in my apartment. I have no home to visit, and my only remaining family is my cousin who I speak to every Saturday, though he lives 1000 miles away and has his own family.
I'm terrified how this story will end. I am finding it impossible to pick myself up, struggling with basic self care. It is simply too much to assimilate that I've lost ALL ties to my own past, all people who knew me when I was functioning better. I find support groups incredibly depressing and have not managed to meet people I feel like I could develop friendships with. I feel worthless as a human being, discarded by everyone I've known.
Because of the unmentioned added trauma (that friends believed was delusional), I also became terrified about posting anything online, even in semi-private places. I'm trying to overcome that fear in the hope of breaking my isolation. If malevolent people follow me or troll me here, at least I should be able to discern who they are, as distinct from well-meaning folks...
Please say hi. I'm looking for friends.
I'm *crazy* depressed. Isolation and complete lack of roots (two very related things) are killing me. I wrote longer detailed descriptions of some of what I was going through in 2013, but the long story short:
I grew up with abandonment issues, and some emotional abuse. Parents separated when I was only 1 year old, never had any siblings or cousins, only one grandparent alive who lived 1000 miles away and died in 2008.
My father stopped speaking to me when I was in my early 30s, unbeknownst to me he had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's in his mid-60s. He died in 2011 and I saw him for the first time in 8 years on his death bed. He was emaciated and basically gone mentally, couldn't even talk.
In 2013, I happened to work right next door to the Boston Marathon bombings, was very traumatized by this (longer story, maybe will write about it some time), and subsequently lost my job for requesting a personal day the next day. I was neither fired nor did I quit; it was very illegal.
My wife left me in 2014, after we'd both been dealing with acute PTSD for the past year, which itself revealed to both of us that we'd each been struggling with complex PTSD from childhood.
Within a few months of my wife leaving, my mother started showing dementia. She is now in assisted living and I feel I've had no access to her for over a year, as she is just not all there.
In the aftermath of the bombings, and all my family losses, my friends evaporated, some explicitly telling me they thought I was crazy, as I was sharing some very hard to believe things that were happening to me (not mentioned here, too loaded).
I've now been out of work since April, 2013, am collecting disability, and am basically rotting away in my apartment. I have no home to visit, and my only remaining family is my cousin who I speak to every Saturday, though he lives 1000 miles away and has his own family.
I'm terrified how this story will end. I am finding it impossible to pick myself up, struggling with basic self care. It is simply too much to assimilate that I've lost ALL ties to my own past, all people who knew me when I was functioning better. I find support groups incredibly depressing and have not managed to meet people I feel like I could develop friendships with. I feel worthless as a human being, discarded by everyone I've known.
Because of the unmentioned added trauma (that friends believed was delusional), I also became terrified about posting anything online, even in semi-private places. I'm trying to overcome that fear in the hope of breaking my isolation. If malevolent people follow me or troll me here, at least I should be able to discern who they are, as distinct from well-meaning folks...
Please say hi. I'm looking for friends.
