I've Moved Forward From The Ex Girlfriend... Now If Only I Could Forget...got Suggestions? ;-)

[Joseph_PDX]

I was processing today the thought that, even if my Ex (a sufferer) had an interest in reconciling, I truly, truly would not want it. Hell, the thought frightens me to be honest. The memory of being exposed to her constantly twisted logic and the sheer volume of lies that she herself didn't even recognize that she was telling stokes a hot, furious rage inside me that's been getting worse as more time has passed.

I used to write it off a lot of it as being part of her pathology, but now that I have more distance, I see how a large part of her motivation to be with me was actually exploitative. The three top things she complained about when we had our big break up conversation were all about money... and how I wasn't somehow saving her fast enough from her own financial situation. I think once she perceived that she wasn't getting what she'd hoped for financially (in the timelines she'd imagined) that she even purposely pushed certain buttons of mine to get me to break up with her... as she was already moving on in her mind.

The latest drama has been that she is adamant that our formerly mutual friends not spend time with me. That has really added insult to injury as these are people I climb and going skiing with...and so I've lost trusted climbing partners... not people who are easy to replace. And some of them were originally my friends. Her justification is a purely jealous one... she says they're her's...lol. O.o!! There is a fine line between being sick and just being a selfish bitch...

Obviously I've been processing a lot of anger towards her ... lol. And I won't even waste the keystrokes to deconstruct how off base most of her complaints were. But I'm plagued by constant angry thoughts about those interactions. The memories are seriously getting me riled more and more...lol.

I have fully moved on... but how do I forget! I have tried to erase all traces of her as best I can i.e.; burned letters and photos, deleted files, no texting, no emails, no Facebook/Instagram. But this doesn't seem like it's enough. Short of (hugely ironic) EDMR therapy what can I do? ;-) Does anyone have any suggestions for how to let it all go? Does anyone have a success story they'd share? I fear that I already know that answer(s) in advance...but I figured I'd ask...hehe.

Thanks in advance... :-)

 

[safenow]

While I don't have advice for you, I just want to let you know I hear you. You did the right thing to write her out of your life. She was toxic for you. Every time I tried to write my ex out of my life, he'd show up again. But then, he really wanted me dead, so just knowing where I lived was a big trigger for me.

I wish you lots of luck, and hope you can find a peace that you would never have had with her.

 

[dms]

Good Luck! I don't feel as hurt as I use to, a month ago, when my ptsd bf first dumped me. Of course, his reasons and action were confusing, painful and stupid! It will get easier with time, meds, angry texts and talk therapy. LOL

 

[Joseph_PDX]

But then, he really wanted me dead, so just knowing where I lived was a big trigger for me.

Man...that's sure no way to live... so sorry! :-/

It will get easier with time, meds, angry texts and talk therapy. LOL

Hahaha.... I had to laugh especially at "angry texts." Somebody should provide the service of receiving and responding to angry texts as if they were your Ex... that'd be f*cking hilarious, cathartic and fun! ;-)

 

[saffy]

Hi Joseph_PDX

Have you ever watched eternal sunshine of a spotless mind?

Acceptance for the way she is and acceptance of the decision you have made not to go back can be a final disclosure for you.

She is what she is however frustrating and angry that makes you feel.

The realisation of this must make you angry in that you allowed it to happen or you might be angry at yourself for not recognising it and letting her manipulate you and you are projecting your anger back at her. How dare she, eh ;)

Use this as a lesson not a punishment.

Your decision not to take this women back shows that you have recognised her motives and are now looking after your own needs. You do not want to be treated like that. Try not to go down the revenge side but maybe you can think that if she did approach you you can now say that her actions made you feel used and manipulated and that makes you angry and disappointed.

Remember you are certainly a better person than her and have better virtues and morals and would not treat people like that. Pity her if anything because she will treat everyone like that and end up very lonely. But you are out of it now and her actions cannot hurt you any more, you are stronger.

You will get past this and find someone much more suited and caring to your needs :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[saffy]

The latest drama has been that she is adamant that our formerly mutual friends not spend time with me.

Your mutual friends can make their own minds up cannot they?

She has no power over who you see or who they see. She is again manipulating the situation to get her own way and is afraid they will like you more, which is probably the case if she is what she is.

Let her throw her toys out of the pram and you just carry on with your friends. Your 'mutual' friends will decide who to be loyal too, if to anyone.

She is being very childish about this, isn't she :) and very pathetic and needy and venomous quite frankly. I pity her if anything.

She is trying to push you out because she is threatened by you but remember, like you said, they are your friends too and you have history that goes beyond this silly little girl.

Do not let her push you out through her immaturity and bitterness. No one is going to take sides. IF one or two do then they are as bad as her and you are probably better off without them anyway. ;)

Remember though not to get into points scoring or the argument she is trying to cause. Rise above it in a mature way.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[saffy]

Somebody should provide the service of receiving and responding to angry texts as if they were your Ex... that'd be f*cking hilarious, cathartic and fun! ;-)

The best way to get the sender back is not to read them, delete them and never ever respond. You are bigger and better than this. Send her to see Jeremy Kyle lol ;)

Saffy :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Betrayal really hurts and leaves big scars for a very long time. I am glad you are free of her.

 

[NarcSis]

I think the best way to "forget" is to invest in you and your own happiness. Do things like thought stopping when the memories arise and start to anger you, switch the thought with something that makes you happy, distract and get your mind off of it. The biggest thing to realize is that right now, the anger is keeping you trapped in the past and you have to diffuse it in healthy ways; change your thought patterns about situations, eliminate them and see her for what she's taught you, not what she's done to you.

It's the Mind-Body connection that leads us down these paths, so start targeting the anger, recognize it, label it and tell it that it is merely a displaced emotion that once served a purpose but is now just in the way, then act to diffuse it and use the energy in some form to give you happiness. You are a better, more enriched person now because of a lesson learned a hard way.

It is what it is and we cannot change our past, focus on the good that's come out of it and let go....you are free. :)

Hope you feel better in time. :hug:

 

[dms]

Well said-Medic72

 

[Joseph_PDX]

Thank you everyone...it was quite centering to read your responses.

Do not let her push you out through her immaturity and bitterness. No one is going to take sides. IF one or two do then they are as bad as her and you are probably better off without them anyway.

A couple have taken sides, or begrudingly felt forced to "choose" by her. I do agree that in an unexpected way this is an opportunity to test which friends are really worth their salt.

Remember though not to get into points scoring or the argument she is trying to cause. Rise above it in a mature way.

I completely agree. I have thought of at least 6-7 awesome (and quite creative) revenge fantasies that I have absolutely forbidden myself to ever act on. The impulses are there, but I keep reminding myself that not-reacting is how I keep my integrity.

The best way to get the sender back is not to read them, delete them and never ever respond. You are bigger and better than this. Send her to see Jeremy Kyle lol

Being an American I had to look up Jeremy Kyle... but he definitely seems to fit the bill! lol. I have been completely incommunicado for three weeks. I plan on staying that way indefinitely unless I bump into her on the street or at the gym... If that happens, I'll be polite of course... but I certainly won' t linger. The concept of "somebody I used to know" couldn't be more fitting.

It's the Mind-Body connection that leads us down these paths,

Quite insightful. I've been focusing on unleashing my anger on the poor poor rowing machine at my gym. I'm pretty sure it's afraid of me at this point...lol. ;-)

 

[LizBeth1]

Ha ha. Love the texting business idea.

Anyway, I have CPTSD but also was living with an NPD/PTSD guy for a long time and probably have secondary trauma from that. I took great pains to move on from that by going to drawing classes 3 nights a week where there was a bit of a social scene, and I met an entire network of new people who did not know my ex. It was awesome and it saved me. I was creating again, which I hadn't done in years, and which can be very meditative, and I was also reinventing my social world. Taking a class or joining a group is great, volunteering -- I also signed up to volunteer for an AIDS organization and be a "buddy" to someone who had the disease; another thing I did was go on big-time volunteer trips alone to meet all new people; I volunteered on a native american reservation and it changed my life to meet those people. Very spiritual. I also traveled through Europe solo. I did a 10-day meditation retreat in the wilds of England and met all new people there from all over the world. I read a lot of comforting spiritual books and my mind and heart expanded. There's so much you can do to make your world bigger and reinvent all your known reference points! It makes a traumatizing person much much smaller in the scheme of your awareness.

Wooga wooga! You can do it!