Jokes

[Sarg]

Thanks, Red, right now chuckles are salve for the soul. I can never remember this stuff and when I tell a joke, my timing is all wrong and it's not really funny. Now my best friend in high school, he remembered every joke ever told and would keep spouting one right after the other. I'd be rolling around on the ground clasping my ribs, saying "Stop, stop, you're killing me!!!" But he wouldn't, just one right after the other. I swear the guy could kill you with laughter.

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

Blind man enters an all girls bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.

In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair,
given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude!

"Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says: "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[Sarg]

Blind man with a death wish. Now, that's funny.
My wife, who was blinded by diabetes, used to tell this one;

A blind man walks into a Walmart with his guide dog. He picks the dog up by his harness and starts whirling him around over his head. The manager comes running up and excitedly asks the man. "Sir, what are you DOING!". "Oh, just taking a look around, he says."

Yes, I know, I can hear the groans over my computer.

Sarg

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

Tribute to growing up around the great sport of horse racing...

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the gents when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their trousers, and began lifting the little boys up one by one, and held onto their "john thomases" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th."

"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks for the lift."

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy " I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield)

 

[Steph_F]

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy " I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield)

haha!! awesome!! I love smart-asses!!! heehee

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

Glad you liked it! I laugh when I hear it, probably because it reminds me of when I was in grad school and was having one of "those" days. I was telling my friend that I felt, "old, fat & ugly." She turned to me in all earnestness and exclaimed, "You're not old!" She was, of course, horrified, but I laughed for days.

If you can't laugh at yourself (eventually), you're sunk....

 

[Sarg]

Rodney Dangerfield was a genius!

Sarg

 

[Fargo1]

An oldie but goodie I heard again today.

Why is sex better than bowling?

The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.

 

[Tim &Bailey]

I recently had someone walk up to Bailey and I and say " Wow she's beautiful. Is that a blind dog?" To which I replied " Damn I hope not one of us has to drive home." My Wife couldn't stop laughing

 

[Tim &Bailey]

Red- This ones fo"r you- Allkidding aside I hope and pray you dont get poison Ivy.

"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

LOL, thanks Tim & Bailey! Three times last summer was more than enough for me! Almost seems like all I have to do is look at it and I get it.

Bought something called Crossbow yesterday and saturated the yard. It doesn't kill grass but will kill flowers and bushes, and hopefully poison ivy. They also said that if I cut it as it grows up a tree, to put a higher concentration directly on the stub and that will go down to the root to kill it.

Have you seen that beautiful image of the iceberg where all you can see is a little bit on top but it is huge under the water? I have a mental image of my house sitting on a HUGE poison ivy root, just waiting to sprout up and take over.

Will keep you posted. Hope you can avoid it this summer as well.

Red