Jokes

[Tim &Bailey]

Mockingbird13,
Only after you pass the strict entrance exam and master the complicated handshake and butt-wiggle can this status be granted on a yearly basis until we all go gray and then everyone will just know us by our attitudes! :sneaky:

Red

I Love it! And talk about being onto something. It's been that butt wiggle that all redheads have that got me in the first place. :-)

And the attitude. I absolutley love how my wife puts up with and protects me. If I'm out with her and someone gives me a hard time about Bailey (My service dog.) -- Lets just say more than one smartass uninformed disrespectful teenager has lost their job over it.

And now for todays redhead joke:

A redheaded woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, "STOP!! STOP!! You're NOT going to... to cut it off, ARE YOU?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, laid down the hacksaw within her husbands reach and said "Nope. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Tim & Bailey- My wife just made a comment- Bailey is a Red Sable German Shepherd- That better be the only other redhead she ever sees me with. LOL!

 

[Tim &Bailey]

Redhead - A Chemical Analysis

Element: Redhead
Symbol: RH
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer: It's debatable, some say Adam, but we now know, that only God could discover something so perfect!
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties

1. Surface usually covered with minimal painted film. As a rule, not necessary.
2. Boils at everything, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
5. Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties

1. Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
4. Reactive in liquids, even more, increased activity when saturated in alcohol.
5. Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
6. Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can greatly improve hormonal levels.
3. Can warm and comfort under certain circumstances.
4. Incapable of cooling things down, when it's too hot.

Tests

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2. Illegal to possess more than one.

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

A redheaded woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, "STOP!! STOP!! You're NOT going to... to cut it off, ARE YOU?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, laid down the hacksaw within her husbands reach and said "Nope. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Tim & Bailey- My wife just made a comment- Bailey is a Red Sable German Shepherd- That better be the only other redhead she ever sees me with. LOL!

I just KNEW Bailey was a redhead!!! And I love the joke! Thanks for the idea..lol :devilish:

Red

 

[Mockingbird13]

Red - For the First time in my life...I am rendered......... Speechless !

 

[wife of]

making goo goo eyes is acceptable only on the following grounds......you know your not a fluffy blonde but are willing to temporarily act like one in order to make your local mysoginist think he is doing something of his own design rather than refusing to do something because a woman asked him too,..............lol.....works well in lots of circumstances.......

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

Sue's exception to the goo-goo eyes clause is noted and will most likely be added to the bylaws at the next meeting....

 

[Mockingbird13]

I think someone needs to make a motion before we agree to add it to the next meeting agenda and possible by-laws. Also - where are the darn refreshments ??? Wife of - I think this was your week ....

 

[wife of]

Digging bottle of rum out the back of the cupboard now....

 

[Mockingbird13]

....Tequilla please...

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

On the subject of drinking, I'll bring some local cider. And here's my joke.

Paddy the Irishman died in an accident, the morgue needed someone to identify the body.
His two best friends, Seamus and Sean were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yep,he's been hurt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, hurt real bad, roll him over".
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What............., he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....""

 

[?jen?]

I agree with 'wife of' mostly truths in that list...lol

if you want you can add one more to the list of red's

i think it is that the veterans love us 'redheaded stranger'...most of us are stubborn and we know what we want and love them no matter what

 

[Jimmy1]

A man asked his grandmother, "Granny, have you seen my pills. They were labeled LSD', Granny said 'f*ck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen'.