Hi Howard,
You are clearly in a lot of pain right now, and anything I'm about to say is designed to help you, not hurt you.
Depression, is evil, and self perpetuating. Somehow you need to break the cycle. Unfortunately only you can break the cycle. (If I could do it for you, I would!).
It is never too late to change, and now is as good a time as ever to start that change. You have joined this forum, which is an amazing start. You obviously want to do something about all that emotion that is bottled up inside you.
I don't know much about you, but I've read your posts here, and I'm consolidating everything I've read so far to this post. (It just makes more sense to me that way - than replying to each post separately).
Everything you've written so far, just screams of depression and hopelessness. But there is hope. Remember, you have already made the first step by coming here, AND you have followed it up, by sharing some details about yourself. Seriously, well done!
Firstly, can I suggest that you start a diary here. [DLMURL]http://sexabuse.ptsdforum.org/forums/survivor-diaries-members.38/[/DLMURL] Diaries are only visible to forum members, so it is a safe place to write and get feedback. I get the feeling that you have a lot that needs to be said, but that you've never had a safe place, or safe person to share things with. Maybe just test the water by writing about your day, until you feel safe and comfortable to write more.
Sexual abuse/ assault leads to many feelings. But the feelings of shame, guilt and humiliation are the feelings that keep us silent. Those feelings stop us from talking, they stop us from telling our stories. These feelings, and other thoughts around the abuse are what drag us down.
Do a forum search (top right), on shame and/or guilt - probably most of the forum threads pop up, because it's such a common feeling. But seriously we have nothing to feel ashamed of, or guilty about. Being abused or assaulted is not our fault.
I was raped at 20 years of age, in every way imaginable, at knife point, in a prolonged and lengthy attack. For years I felt ashamed and guilty. I lived with a great long list of "if only's". If only I'd done this different, if only I'd done that different etc, etc. I was deeply ashamed about what happened to me.
I'm 39 now (thanks for the birthday wishes, btw!), and it's only been in the last year that I've realised that it wasn't my fault. I'm actually, sincerely not ashamed any more. The shame is on him. He holds all the blame. None of my actions could have changed the outcome. He overwhelmed me both physically and emotionally. It was not my fault.
But, I didn't just suddenly realise this. I've just spent a lot of time in therapy, and a lot of work on myself, with a lot of advice from others on this forum to reach my conclusion. I'm a million times better now, than I was a year ago (when I started running this forum). At that time, I would never thought it was possible. I was off work (due to PTSD), and trying (and failing) to kill myself pretty much on a weekly basis. I was in hospital with O/D's, more times than I can remember (literally). But I spoke out, I told my family, I got support from friends (I also lost a few friends along the way), but most importantly, I learned to accept my past. I can't change what happened to me (as much as I'd like to), so I've had to learn to live with it.
No, it's not easy. See from the ages, it's taken me 19 years to get to this point. I've had numerous failed therapy attempts in those years. I've self harmed, abused alcohol, and taken O/D's, suffered sever insomnia, depression, flashbacks and anxiety. I've nearly lost my job several times. I've tried numerous different medications.
I'm not cured. I fill never forget. I still have PTSD symptoms, but it's all more manageable.
The point is, it's never too late to help yourself. But the emphasis is on help yourself. You have to be pro-active in your recovery.
You deserve a better life. We all do. Despite what was thrown at us in the past. But it starts with you.
When you feel too depressed to get out of bed in the morning - force yourself into that shower.
When you feel like hiding yourself away - force yourself to go out of the house and see the world.
When you feel silenced - force yourself to pick up the phone, or just to pass the time of day with a neighbour.
When you feel like you've pursued all avenues of help - look for more.
When you feel like everything is hopeless - look for sources of inspiration. . . . . seriously, if I can do it, so can you!
Be nice to yourself. You are worth it, and you deserve it. You can carry on being depressed and plagued with horrible thoughts from your past, or you can try to do something about it. The choice is yours, and at the end of the day - what do you have to loose by trying for a better life?
