Just For Laughs

[Lucycat]

PREGNANT AT 71

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded.
" Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,
" Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

[Lucycat]

A Geordie golfer and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The Geordie said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry.

I have two mates sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't
have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and bedone with it! We have 10am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled
without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"


The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Pet, and show him."

 

[Lucycat]

'Twas the night before Christmas; there wasn't a sound.

Not a possum was stirring; no-one was around.
We'd left on the table some tucker and beer,​

Hoping that Santa Claus soon would be here;

We children were snuggled up safe in our beds,​

While dreams of pavlova danced 'round in our heads;
And Mum in her nightie, and Dad in his shorts,​

Had just settled down to watch TV sports.

When outside the house a mad ruckus arose;​

Loud squeaking and banging woke us from our doze.​

We ran to the screen door, peeked cautiously out,​

Snuck onto the deck, then let out a shout.

Guess what had woken us up from our snooze,​

But a rusty old Ute pulled by eight mighty 'roos.​

The cheerful man driving was giggling with glee,​

And we both knew at once who this plump bloke must be.

Now, I'm telling the truth it's all dinki-di,​

Those eight kangaroos fairly soared through the sky.
Santa leaned out the window to pull at the reins,​

And encouraged the 'roos, by calling their names.

'Now, Kylie! Now, Kirsty! Now, Shazza and Shane!​

On Kipper! On, Skipper! On, Bazza and Wayne!​

Park up on that water tank. Grab a quick drink,​

I'll scoot down the gum tree. Be back in a wink!'

So up to the tank those eight kangaroos flew,​

With the Ute full of toys, and Santa Claus too.​

He slid down the gum tree and jumped to the ground,​

Then in through the window he sprang with a bound.

He had bright sunburned cheeks and a milky white beard.​

A jolly old joker was how he appeared.​

He wore red stubby shorts and old thongs on his feet,​

And a hat of deep crimson as shade from the heat.

His eyes - bright as opals - Oh! How they twinkled!​

And, like a goanna, his skin was quite wrinkled!​

His shirt was stretched over a round bulging belly​

Which shook when he moved, like a plate full of jelly.

A fat stack of prezzies he flung from his back,​

And he looked like a swaggie unfastening his pack.​

He spoke not a word, but bent down on one knee,​

To position our goodies beneath the yule tree.

Surfboard and footy-ball shapes for us two.​

And for Dad, tongs to use on the new barbeque.​

A mysterious package he left for our Mum,​

Then he turned and he winked and he held up his thumb;

He strolled out on deck and his 'roos came on cue;​

Flung his sack in the back and prepared to shoot through.​

He bellowed out loud as they swooped past the gates-​

​

MERRY CHRISTMAS to all, and goodonya, MATES!'​

 

[Lucycat]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.She heard the train stop and her son said,

"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house!! Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

 

[Lucycat]

Here is a deceptively simple philosophy that I have been working on and refining for most of my life. I am delighted to say that I believe I have refined it down to its essence - sufficiently to share it with a select band of friends that may appreciate its elegance and simplicity.

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[cherryblossom]

:lol: If I could 'like' it twice, or 'love it' I would :lmao: Very good!

 

[Lucycat]

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[cherryblossom]

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[Tarot]

"Knock knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Cargo."

"Cargo who?"

"Cargo, 'Beep! Beep!'"

:D

 

[crazytrain]

And they blame the croc.... go figure.

Yeah, I was wondering from the start "what the heck is a croc/gator doing in Michigan!"

 

[crazytrain]

CherryBlossom, thanks for the laughs!:bounce: They made the start of this day all the better!

CT

 

[cherryblossom]

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