Just Found Out The Details Of My Wife's Rape

[Hooper]

Joeylittle,
I have laid myself out here and taken constructive criticism as well as judgmental barbs. I read this on the way into my therapy appointment. There are ways we handle traumatic experience that don't come through in the written word especially through a judgmental lens. I prefer self deprecating humor over humor at someone else's expense or the arrogance that comes across as it would be just that if I said my wife has a great sex life. I had my therapist read this and she thought it was over the top and this was probably not a good place for me. I disagree and find it a wonderful resource but feel like at this point I have earned the right to say when the criticism is over the line. If you think after reading this whole thread that it does not bother me that I grope my wife in my sleep I'd suggest reading it again. That said I cannot help what I do in my sleep and it in no way has the effect on my wife it seems to have had on you. She actually finds it humorous where again I find it annoying. Do I actually try to cuddle with my wife? Yes and I do all of the time. I am far from annoyed from her wants. I'm always looking for middle ground. Again read the thread the thread or the post you commented on. Specifically "I do not think I should get what I want all the time. It's not fair." And here's another on where my frame of mind is today "I've been looking forward to it actually but for whatever reason today was worse than yesterday. It's the first step back in several days now." I can take being a punching bag when it's deserved but "assaulted by your husband" is not what I deserve to hear. The only thing I really agree with you on is this is the best forum ever. I do not intend to take my toys and go home. It's been a productive discussion and I'd like to keep it that way.

 

[joeylittle]

She actually finds it humorous where again I find it annoying. Do I actually try to cuddle with my wife? Yes and I do all of the time. I am far from annoyed from her wants. I'm always looking for middle ground.

I'm happy to read this, and no, I don't think this came through in other posts - honestly, you've been asking for strong feedback so I gave some that was coming from the information you're providing. Tone is really hard to read over the internet - so I didn't have a clear sense that for you, these weren't deep annoyances that you were treating lightly (if that makes sense) - that was what I was reading. But I'm wrong, that's cool.

I'll still stand by suggesting that there is more for the two of you to talk about than this recent event - probably just because I believe there are always things that go unsaid in a marriage. Sometimes those things are not a big deal, and sometimes they turn into big deals because of other things. Even if you two were to do five sessions, the upside of which was "that was cool and we are now feeling stronger about each other than before" - well, that is a great upside. And it could help you both process what happened recently in shared space, which can usually lead to a healthier resolution.

I think our core misunderstanding was in the word "annoying" - I understand now that you meant it as funny/ironic, as in 'I love buying yarn, But I can't keep up with knitting it, and so then I have to buy storage for it, and that's annoying' (weak analogy, but hopefully you get the gist). At the time, I read "annoying" as it's plain meaning, you were annoyed that your wife wouldn't respond in the middle of the night. The context you gave was explaining about your high sex drive. I've read the thread, and think you've got a great way with words, but that you're a straight-shooter, so I took your meaning directly.

Pretty classic internet misunderstanding. I appreciate you taking the time to clarify for me, I really do.

I can take being a punching bag when it's deserved but "assaulted by your husband" is not what I deserve to hear.

I acknowledged it was a strong word. If you had literally meant "annoying" then yes, I'd consider it assault. But that's not actually what you meant, and so yeah, that would be painful to read and I'm sorry for putting it out there that way. I don't think anyone ever deserves to be a punching bag, by the way - metaphorically or literally.

We're a mental health forum, it's easy to get our buttons pushed, and it's easy to push other peoples' buttons. Happens often - we are talking about very personal, painful stuff. I really am sorry for the misunderstanding. I didn't imply that you should leave the forum, I'm sorry that you interpreted my post as some kind of suggestion in that direction.

You're working through some really tough stuff, and having a community to bounce things off of is an important resource.

 

[Hooper]

Joeylittle,
Thanks for the clarification. You did not imply I should leave the forum. I just noticed you were a premium member as well as staff member and did not know how my reaction would be taken. I should have known better.

I don't know what to make of therapy so far. There is only so much that can be done in an hour and at $115 until what insurance will cover is known I'll have to play it by ear. So far I'm told I need to continue getting sleep and may need to be on ambien longer than I want as well as force myself to eat when I'm not hungry so I can think straight. I personally think I do think straight and have come a long way in a short period of time. A lot will take a long period of time. I did tell her one of my biggest problems is that rape seems to be too acceptable. She was quick to point out it was anything but acceptable which I agree with. If I used my words better I would have said the way society handles the rapist and the raped is unacceptable. The raped are put on trial especially in date rape situations. I've spoken to a friend whose daughter was raped and she speaks of a loss of innocence which I find a particularly poor choice of words. The loss of innocence title belongs to the rapist. My wife is an innocent victim. Her innocence was never lost nor was it when she did what she had to do to get through it. Any way I'll keep going and see where it goes. Thanks yet again.

 

[Deleted member 29760]

Vitrea,
I am not afraid to speak to my wife about my needs or take care of them myself for that matter. I would not describe our sex life as good. It is more on the phenomenal side of things. Actually I'm speaking for myself here. She says she is happy with it but I personally think men are simpler and easier to please than women...As for blaming him I don't. I've said before when someone wants to have sex and someone doesn't want to have sex one party will get what they want. I do not think I should get what I want all the time. It's not fair. Yes it is clouded by the past and it is complicated by that past but I do not put all of the blame there...There is a grey area and I am not comfortable about it but in no way am I in fear that I will ever be anything close to a rapist.

I think you are a little confused and naive about your own feelings. The only reason why I said what I did is because you are the one that mentioned in your initial post that you dont want to be anything like that monster and that you were hesitant about talking to your wife about your sexual needs. I got that from you my friend, I didn't just create it out of the thin blue sky. But that's how your making it seem and it's not true. My comment to you was a reaction to your initial post which was the catalyst. Do you not see that?

 

[Deleted member 29760]

Just an add note, I was actually on your side, because I really felt bad for you. I was the only one on this thread that seemed to have your interest at heart and you just dismissed me. Wow, that kind of felt like a slap in the face. I just had to say how I felt after I read your reply to me.

 

[Hooper]

Just an add note, I was actually on your side, because I really felt bad for you. I was the only one on this thread that seemed to have your interest at heart and you just dismissed me. Wow, that kind of felt like a slap in the face. I just had to say how I felt after I read your reply to me.

Vitrea,
I am truly sorry. My feelings ebb and flo. You were the only one who seemed to be on my side and I am going to explain myself below.

I think you have every right to be very angry. I'm sure the core of the issue for you is that you feel the burden of what this guy did because your afraid to have any discussion about sex with your wife because it might trigger her rape. Your sex life is directly impacted by this because you feel you can't communicate your needs or desires without fear of triggering her rape memories. You are deathly afraid of being anything like this guy, so you over compensate by neglecting your own needs (which your needs are totally normal and innocent by the way) and now that you've repressed all of that for the last 20 years, now you feel extremely angry and you want to get the sob that caused all of this. I totally understand why you are so angry right now. It's finally boiling over because you had to carry that burden because of what HE did. Let's be honest, you feel your lack of sex is because of this guy. Who wouldn't be severely angry about this? But guess what? No matter what you do or how bloody you beat him, it's not going to go away like that. It will not solve a damn thing. It will only make you feel good for a brief period but ALL the issues will still be there after. What you need to do is tell yourself that it's ok to feel this way and that you have every right to be angry because of how it's effecting YOU. You also need to communicate to your wife that this is effecting you big time, in more ways then she can imagine and that you need to go to counseling pronto. I strongly believe counseling will truly, truly help you. It might take a while and one or two therapist, but try finding a trauma therapist and you talk to him/her alone first. I totally believe this is something that can be fixed and truly healed faster than you even know. Do not go after this guy, it is not worth the jail time and it would be a waste of time anyway. Karma will get him and God will arrange his harvest in such a way that he will know it was from exactly what he did to your wife.

You are right on the money. I couldn't have explained how I feel better. There are a couple of things I have not disclosed. The first is because of the verbal ass beating I know I would/will take and the second is my religious views and just not wanting to go there so here goes. Once I knew who my wife's rapist was I had several options:
1. Go the legal route since the statute of limitations is 30 years. This wouldn't work though because I'm not going to put my wife on trial and she is in a good place.
2. Switch roles and let the predator become the prey and beat the hell out of him which I was 100% discouraged from doing.
3. This one I didn't disclose. I went to see a friend who's daughter was violently raped and discussed what happened. All he asked was where, when and what do you want done.
4. This is the hardest one. Let it go and forgive him.
I didn't discuss #3 because I wanted my options kept open nor did I want my email address tied to me writing in a public forum what could happen. By posting this I am taking that option off of the table. My personal opinion is it is less harmful to him and his family to just take a paid for (although he would do it for free) ass beating vs being found guilty if the justice system actually worked, being raped in prison which is what I here happens to rapists and his family losing his income not to mention what kind of monster the experience could turn him into.
I am past options 1-3 but have not come to terms with option 4. Regardless I think I am about to get verbally pummeled. I wanted to leave some paid for karma in the form of option 3. There is a problem with it though. I could live with myself and sleep at night. What I couldn't do is not become more like him. I think the whole rape is not about sex but about power and control is a crock of shit. I think rape is about sex, power and control. By having option 3 available it gave me power and control over what I view as something no less than a vicious animal. If I were to exercise option 3 I would become more like him and that is the problem. I am not at the point of forgiveness yet but that is what I have to do.
As for God I come from a Christian back ground but I don't agree with it. I used the analogy of winning the powerball with my wife but it also applies to Christianity in my opinion. If you accept Christ as your savior you get a ticket to eternal paradise. If my understanding is true and that is correct then Hitler could have told his priest in his bunker he had a change of heart and turned his life over to Christ, shot himself in the head or let the Russians do it and have a spot in heaven right beside everyone he massacred. I have a fundamental problem with that. I agree with Kefira that life is not fair and would add to it neither is Christianity.
I am sure I will get skewered for this as well but that is why I didn't embrace what you had to say even though I agree with everything you said with the exception of God. In no way did I mean to slap you in the face. You are correct that I am a little confused if not very confused about my feelings. I reread my response to you and no longer agree with it. I also see that you have been banned. Hopefully that does not keep you from reading my apology. I really appreciate what you had to say. Thanks

I think you are a little confused and naive about your own feelings. The only reason why I said what I did is because you are the one that mentioned in your initial post that you dont want to be anything like that monster and that you were hesitant about talking to your wife about your sexual needs. I got that from you my friend, I didn't just create it out of the thin blue sky. But that's how your making it seem and it's not true. My comment to you was a reaction to your initial post which was the catalyst. Do you not see that?

 

[camabelu]

@Hooper I read your post and all that followed - your further comments included. I'm a survivor and female - just so you know who's sharing with you.
Although I agree with what almost everyone said, it strikes me that there is little here that's been offered to you around your pain. It's clear that you have the strength and the integrity to understand that your reaction was not helpful and, if you'd kept going, could have created real damage - for your marriage, your children, and for you as an individual.

You mention that this just happened to you. Well, you're right. It DID just happen to you. And you're entitled to every single feeling you're having. Stuffing them down because you've been chastised isn't going to help you. I'm not sure why you're opposed to therapy. If you feel strongly that you don't want it then that IS your choice but I think you could benefit. And it doesn't seem to me that it would have to be long term at all. More about learning some information and support around how to work through your (very understandable) feelings around what your wife endured in a healthy way. I also understand how hard it must be to try to wrap your head around the fact that she had a relationship with this jerk. It might help to remember how different your own behaviours and thinking were when you were a teenager when considering the choices your wife made at the time.

Please remind yourself that, while it's generally true that women are better at processing their feelings than men, there are good reasons for that. In this respect, females have an advantage. We're ALLOWED to have feelings and we're encouraged to talk about them. There's no underlying shame in doing so the way there is for men - it's a problem still but it was much worse when your generation and mine were learning social skills. So give yourself some much deserved credit. You strike me as amazingly insightful and open to considering other's points of view. You would likely also benefit from realizing that in the same way you hit gold when you found your wife for a life partner, it's obvious that she chose wisely too.

I hope you'll get support for your feelings about this. They won't just go away and pushing them aside is never a good idea; feelings don't just disappear because we ignore them. They fester and often reemerge in a messy and complicated way. If counselling isn't the path for you, it sounds as though you have a very willing listener in your wife. Share. The worst thing that could happen (I'm going to take it as a given that you aren't going to do the completely self-and-family-destructive thing of confronting this man) would be for your unexpressed, unprocessed feelings to begin to create a wedge in what sounds like an excellent marriage.

On another topic - you mentioned in another post that the close call you had at being abused yourself happened because "gay men [are] simply attracted to young men". That advice you were given may have been well-meant but it's just wrong and offensive to gays. The man you met was a paedophile. Gay men are as likely to abuse young boys as heterosexual men are to abuse young girls.

Good luck with everything and please, don't let this come between you and your wife. Deal with the feelings. They're real, they're understandable, and you don't have to suffer with them.

 

[Hooper]

@camabelu

I'm not opposed to therapy it is just slow, tedious and expensive. I'm going to keep going and start at the beginning with my life history and why I did what I did at various stages in my life that led to where I am today. I really do feel like I am way past doing anything stupid and moving on to letting it go. I am also not really dwelling on why she stayed in the relationship. Whatever she did to get through it worked so there is no need for me to question it or dwell on it period. I appreciate your compliments however if you are in a very bad place looking at others point of view is really not that noble. I did it for me. Many of you have been through what my wife has if not far worse and given your time and insight so that is a better place for accolades. I know my wife is happy with her choice but I do think she is a better person than me. Again I'm not going to question how we managed to get together but am just going to go with it and try to make it better. I am not really concerned about wedges in our relationship. It really is a great one. We are in agreement on most things, are financially stable and are on the same page as far as the parenting front goes. This past few weeks was a self inflicted wound on my part. If I could do it over I would do the same thing minus wanting to know the details of what happened to her but that is not an option and I'm dealing with it. The days are getting much better. I'm really just taking a hard look at myself right now which like I said is the direction I want to go in therapy. You are also correct on your comment about gay men. The guy was a pedophile end of story. I can assure you I will not let this come between my wife and I. She knows where I am and is actually learning a lot about me she never knew. We are beyond good. Thanks for your comments and I'm sorry it took so long to respond. Life's been hectic these past few days.

 

[The Albatross]

Self examination with or without therapy is not tedious. It is revealing. Slow? Surely... most of the time, but worthwhile.

 

[camabelu]

@Hooper Re therapy. I understand your personal choice not to delve all the way back into childhood experiences if you don't feel there's a need. But there are different kinds of therapy and some are meant to be short-term. Cognitive therapy is an example.
You are quite self-effacing. Maybe you stand out to me as an exceptional male because I tended to attract the jerks as a result of abuse in my childhood. I don't think so though - it isn't common to see men so willing to be open to change and self-examination. Don't sell yourself short!
All the best.

 

[Hooper]

@camabelu,
I'm supposed to be doing EMDR therapy. I just googled it and really don't know anything about it. I had to google self effacing as well. Thanks. I take that as a compliment. I do not see myself as exceptional at all. I do think I am exceptionally different than most. I'm not very conventional at all nor do I care to be. I did ask my wife how I managed to get on her radar though. Apparently helping her move a couch from her old apartment to her new one is what did it. We knew each other just not well. I did know she was moving next door though and in hindsight luckily asked if she needed help. At least that 1 mystery was solved. As for attracting jerks I have been amazed at great women that did the same and I don't think they were all abused. I never got why and never will. Thanks for your comments. No therapy for a week. I'll let you know how it goes.

 

[Hooper]

@scout86 and desiderata310,
I third the ambien warning. I took my 9th one Monday around 9 pm. The last thing I remember was my wife asking me if I was up for anything and me saying yes. From the time she washed her face and brushed her teeth I thought I had passed out when I woke up the next morning. Apparently I didn't pass out but I did get lucky. We were in a hurry to get to work and I was thinking there is no way this happened. She's clearly having fun messing with me because she doesn't care for ambien so I ask her again around lunch. Now I'm convinced this was not something she made up for her entertainment so I asked for details. Apparently not only did I get laid but I got out of bed to get my deaf dog talking coherently through the whole episode. I have zero recollection of it. All I know for sure is I was in my birthday suit, my dog was outside, some jackass left the front door unlocked, my wife heard me come back in through the back door and I returned with my dog a minute or 2 later. This was with no alcohol or anything else for that matter. Just one 10 mg ambien. By far the strangest drug side effect I've ever experienced. I don't know how you make up a warning to put on the damn bottle. I can't be the only one. Very strange.