Just Found Out The Details Of My Wife's Rape

[scout86]

You're not the only one. My ex BF woke up, saw the red light on my clock radio and was convinced it was the eyes of some kind of monster. He's a big guy, I was a little concerned about how "we" were going to deal with the situation. The other time it happened, he woke up, thought he say something walking across the room, said "What's THAT?", pointed, then answered his own question with "It's a PANCAKE!" (That became something of a running joke.) I've heard of people baking cupcakes while under the influence and eating is quite common. It's scary stuff and I, personally, won't use it.

 

[notsurewheretoturn]

I don't know how you make up a warning to put on the damn bottle. I can't be the only one.

How about;

'May cause strange nocturnal activity you will be completely unaware of.'

 

[camabelu]

@Hooper It was definitely meant as a compliment - I could have used the word 'humble' instead.
I'm (and I'm guessing everyone else is too) looking forward to hearing how the therapy goes.
As for not seeing yourself as extraordinary in terms of being open to your feelings, that is exactly what I would expect someone who IS extraordinary to say.

 

[Hooper]

I know it has been a while but I thought I'd give an update. For starters it feels like there is a distortion of time. It's only been 2 1/2 months but it feels more like 6 months. I just reread the whole thread to see if I picked up anything I didn't really get the first go around. There are so many good responses but one from Scout86 stuck out:
"There is nothing you can do that will undo what happened to your wife. There is no way that guy can pay a price that would change anything. This is her deal and you need to respect the way she wants to handle it, even if it's hard. Assure her you aren't going to do anything stupid. Let her know she can trust you to be calm and rational and love her."
I'm sure I will read it again in a month or so and something else will resonate but this quote sums up where I am.
I haven't counted my therapy sessions but it has been roughly 1 a week since the 28th of April. They are only an hour and they fly by. I'm supposed to do emdr but haven't as of yet. I like and have a good rapport with my therapist. I don't know how much of the progress is time passing or therapy actually working. The whole process is so time consuming plus it's a pretty odd social interaction. If I'm not going to waste my time or hers I have to tell on myself which is usually something I omit. I still don't know what to make of it but as long as things get better I'm not going to over think it. My sleep is pretty much back to normal, my relationship with my wife is excellent and my overriding desire for some form of vengeance is waning. Overall I'm in a much better place which is a far cry the end of April. Thanks again for the collective input.

 

[joeylittle]

The whole process is so time consuming plus it's a pretty odd social interaction.

Yes and yes. I seriously don't think there is anything quite like the therapist-client relationship. It's just very unique, and keeps unfolding in strange ways. Sending you lots of validation on these points.

 

[scout86]

Thanks for the update! "Good news" is always a good way to start the day. :)

 

[rightkindofme]

I am really happy to see a positive update. Good for you.

 

[Ronzoni139]

Oh gosh, now I have to respond ;). It was out of concern for both of you. For her because obviously I see...

Kefira,

You post also helped me, I am in the same struggles that hopper has, and some of the same things I have questions I have asked, but I also have the rage, want for revenge and anger towards the men... Your post was such a reality check, I never thought initially it was about me I thought I was going to avenge her or help her but she has already helped herself. My wife is an amazing person and woman and some day we hope to have children. I am in counseling about it, for her the incident was 15 years ago and I found out 9 months ago. I never ever want to hurt her, but daily I am in the doldrums of how someone could hurt her like that, such evil!!

thanks again to you, all the ladies and especially hopper who was brave enough to post on this forum and trigger this wave of support and realism!!

 

[Hooper]

Ronzoni,
Desperation had much more to do with posting on this forum than bravery and the ladies have far more courage than me. I'm sorry to hear our wives are in the same shoes and us by default. I'm in counseling as well and have been for almost 3 months even though it seems like much longer. I still don't know what to make of it yet. I can keep going but I don't think I will ever get over the anger I feel towards her rapist. Counseling has however provided a lot of time for self examination which has been helpful. I don't get it but apparently I do not have a full range of emotions. I skip over sad and go straight to mad. Supposedly being sad is an important step to healing. I am still not sure what good being sad will do but will keep going to therapy until it is no longer productive.
At this point I'm in a phase that is hard to describe. It is kind of like when you want something uncommon like a subaru for example. There are not many but then you see them everywhere once you want one. It's a bad analogy because rape is all too common. I'll record movies on my dvr like The Jagged Edge that I enjoyed 20 years ago and can't get past the opening scene. I drive in my car and listen to NPR and rape comes up all the time. I go on vacation and my sister in law has to have a 2 hour teleconference so the university she works in the admissions office can come up with a plan to get their rape numbers down or they lose funding (1 in 5 in the first 4 weeks are where they are at fyi). I go to Disney World and someone steals my 3 year olds pancho while we are eating that is keeping his stroller dry as well as him and although very different than rape it sets me off in a similar way. My wife's 20 year reunion came and went without us going because I am not in a place where I can risk seeing him. The annual sexual predator notification arrives in the mailbox. The list goes on. It is not like I want this to be about me but what can I say except that I have not handled it well. Say what you will but I am ok with not handling it well. I think as a society we handle rapists far too well. It wasn't until 1993 the courts recognized a husband could rape his own wife. It took until 2012 that the FBI changed its definition of rape to include women who did not resist the inevitable rape that was going to occur whether they fought to the death or not. I find the whole thing bizarre. I'd put it right up there with viewing bodies at funerals which I quit doing a long time ago. Enough said.
I am glad you got something out of this. I've read and reread the posts. I'm not surprised you picked Kefira to quote. She will take the truth, cut to the heart of the matter and bludgeon you with it in an oddly loving yet very effective way. Others are more subtle in their approach but it still surprises me how solid all the posts are. I am probably due for another rereading. I can't think of 1 thing I've done that was more helpful. Good luck with it all and congrats on your wife. She sounds like a winner.

 

[scout86]

@Hooper , I just wanted to say I think I'd probably like you. :) I also go right from fear to anger without stopping off at "sad" or anything else, and frankly can't see what good "sad" does. (My T would want me to add "yet", so "I don't get it yet") I can easily relate to how often stuff comes up once it's on your radar screen too.

The list goes on. It is not like I want this to be about me but what can I say except that I have not handled it well. Say what you will but I am ok with not handling it well.

I'm wondering what "handling it well" means to you? I think righteous indignation is perfectly ok. Anger is ok and can serve useful purposes. It's probably not ok to go so wildly out of control that those who care about you feel like they have to drop everything and calm you down, if you can avoid it.

Last, but not least, I will never forget the first time I told someone I'd been molested as a child and he was angry on my behalf. It takes a lot to make me cry, but remembering it still brings tears to my eyes. Good tears. Because, until that moment, it never occurred to me that anyone could think I was worth defending. (But, he made if perfectly clear that he wasn't going off on some kind of crusade, without my permission or approval.) So, part of me thinks it's cool that you guys care enough about your wives to be angry about what happened to them. Just remember it happened to THEM, not "YOUR wife". :hug: (if you accept them)

 

[Hooper]

I just wanted to say I think I'd probably like you.

Since it's hard not to like someone who likes you I think you would like me to. If it's not against forum rules I'll send you my number if you would like to have a beer over the phone one day.

I also go right from fear to anger without stopping off at "sad" or anything else, and frankly can't see what good "sad" does.

My therapist made me watch the recent kids movie Inside Out. It looked like it was written and directed by a shrink. I won't blow it for you or anyone else but it still didn't register with me. Interesting you say you go from fear to anger. I don't know what emotion precedes what should be sadness. I'll have to think on that one.

I'm wondering what "handling it well" means to you?

I'd say the opposite of what I did. Handling it well would mean sleeping well, not seeking out the identity of my wife's rapist, maybe seeking details when it first came up vs 15 years later if seeking them at all, less anger. All I can say is dealing with the rape of a loved one is not intuitive. At least for me it is not.

Last, but not least, I will never forget the first time I told someone I'd been molested as a child and he was angry on my behalf. It takes a lot to make me cry, but remembering it still brings tears to my eyes. Good tears. Because, until that moment, it never occurred to me that anyone could think I was worth defending.

Watch Inside Out. This description is when the little girl is in the tree after a hockey game. It sounds like the healing power of sadness. Most sadness for me is not the "good tears" type so I still skip it as much as possible.

So, part of me thinks it's cool that you guys care enough about your wives to be angry about what happened to them. Just remember it happened to THEM, not "YOUR wife"

How to say this? I am many things. I am me, the husband of my wife and the father of my children for starters. I can't separate the me from the spouse or Dad. Something of a trinity without the God thing. I see my wife the same way. She is an individual, my wife and the mother of my children. I have a hard time separating any part of her from me. Even the part of her life that came before we met. Oddly the thing her rapist has going for him most is he is not just her rapist. He is a father that is the sole provider of his family, a husband and his piece of shit rapist self. I can respect 2/3's of him but I can't separate the 1/3 of him and do what I want without damaging the 2/3's that have value and meaning. He may be a terrible father and spouse. I simply don't know. I do know I do not do well with details and have no desire to find out anything else about him. I follow laws that are unwritten as well as break those that are written if I do not believe in them. I guess you could say I have a personal code of conduct governed by whether I can put my head down and sleep with a good conscience. I do this knowing it doesn't work for everybody. Some people have no trouble committing rape and sleeping at night especially knowing they will most assuredly get away with it. At the moment I am in a catch 22 of sorts. I lose sleep from doing nothing and I would lose sleep from doing something for the reasons above. I have about come to the conclusion it is the price of having a conscience to be taxed by those who do not. I've also come to the conclusion I would rather be taxed and have a fulfilling life than the alternative which is not an alternative. It's one of those horse pills that is stuck in my throat at the moment on the way down. It's just not there yet.

 

[The Albatross]

Know what you mean about Inside Out... and also skipping sad to mad/angry. That's my forte'. Glad you're checking in and things are getting a bit better.

You said, " I lose sleep from doing nothing and I would lose sleep from doing something for the reasons above. I have about come to the conclusion it is the price of having a conscience to be taxed by those who do not. I've also come to the conclusion I would rather be taxed and have a fulfilling life than the alternative which is not an alternative. It's one of those horse pills that is stuck in my throat at the moment on the way down." Uh yep. That's the crux of it... for us all sufferers and supporters.