Relationship Just Friends... For The 875th Time

[HelloMo80]

I feel like I'm on a merry go round. I jumped off last year. I was good. He came home. We saw each other. We decided to rekindle. He's gone again. When he's gone it usually goes like this. We're good for about two months. Then he starts tripping out on everything. Then the craziness starts. Then the distance and finally the break.

True to form, it happened again this time. Roughly two months in.

However, I'm not upset. Hurt a bit, sure. But, upset. No. I'm building my life, enjoying my job, going out with friends to dinner and doing fun stuff with them. I am not secluding myself and for that I've been labeled "selfish." So be it.

Because I anticipated it, I'm pretty good right now. I'm also dealing with him in a different manner because his PTSD is expressed very much like borderline personality disorder (which I'm not sure if he has, but it seems like it).

I don't know if we will get back together. For now, I'm concentrating on me. Not contemplating it. He says he need to focus on getting money and other stuff so I'm gladly backed off. I know this routine. He's stressed. Not sleeping. Not eating well. Getting into a routine and dealing with/worrying about me...he cannot do it. I mean...he could if he didn't have PTSD. But as a result of it....he can't.

Que sera sera.

My question is this: Does this rollercoaster ever end? Recently, I've been dealing with him differently as a result of doing the BPD tactics my therapist gave me. He's finally diffused after about three weeks of working himself into a fit for no reason (or reasons I can't see). I'm not naive. PTSD doesn't just "go away." But ever with treatment, do the ups and downs ever level?

 

[nursenurse]

Maybe. But there is only so much you can take, and martyrdom is a tough road. What is he doing to deal with it? How long is he gone for? Does he check in every so often, or are left hanging out to dry? It can get better as it has for many, but it is always hard.

After a bit of a rocky start, I know I am one of the lucky ones with my sufferer, even when he needs an alone time, it is for a night, and he has thus far remained present in the relationship. I am constantly working on the relstionship while keeping my own life intact. I am so fortunate that he listens to my concerns, on my part, I pick my battles carefully.

You have to look at the big picture, the lifetime possibilities. What you are going through could change for the better, or for the worse, or it could stay the same. But it will never be 100% gone. Likely, it will go back and forth on a continuum. Can you handle a lifetime of what is going on now? If you can't it doesn't make you a bad person, nor does it make him a bad person. It means you know your limits, and it isn't meant to be. And the behavior you are describing can wear thin over the years, leaving you both unhappy and broken. Think long and hard. As important as it is, love does not conquer all, there are many other human attributes that you must both have to make it work as in any relationship. Good luck :)

 

[SRE7267]

Reading this was like I was reading something I could have been writing myself. First and foremost -- congratulations on taking care of yourself, focusing on living your life and taking the necessary steps to not hold yourself back despite where your relationship is at the moment.

While I have faith that in the future the roller coaster of ups and downs will stop, in my experience thus far, the uncertainty remains and Ive been on this wild ride for 13 years. I will say that it's only been 12 months since there's been the understanding that what my guy is suffering from is PTSD and that knowledge has helped TREMENDOUSLY. It has helped me understand everything better which has helped me be more understanding, compassionate and patient towards him. But equally as important, I'm putting into practice taking care of myself as I'm learning more and more that I cannot be the one to help him get better. I can love him, support him, guide him and be gentle and compassionate with wherever he is at in his process... But I cannot fix things for him. It seems basic -- but being truly in touch with this reality has provided me a different kind of strength.

Recently I have come to terms with the fact that while the roller coaster may never end and that our relationship could always be on again/ off again... I actually have the power to shift that dynamic. I don't think that In the past that I've wanted to be open to the idea that we might not work... I love him... It's hard to walk away from that... But in 13 years from now when I'm 43 years old, do I want to look back and be thinking the same thing I have been the past 13? No.

I tell you this simply to share with you that I believe that with consistent work and therapy on the part of your PTSD sufferer, that the ups and downs can become less intense and less frequent. However, that has to come from within him -- you do not have the power to make that happen for him... So the best, healthiest thing you can do is to live your life as you have been.. Find your passions, your happiness, live life the way you desire, surround yourself with people who support you and ones you can share adventures and excitement with. Just because your sufferer is struggling does not mean that you have to put your own life on hold. Be there for him when he allows it, but create clear boundaries and find that balance in your relationship so that you are healthy for you.

Wishing you and your man all the best. I truly do hope you both are able to find your balance and peace.

 

[HelloMo80]

Thanks for the encouragement folks. I am okay. I have a strong faith in God, good family and good friends. We did talk for a bit yesterday. He said he doesn't want to talk often. I told him I understood and made a joke about my feelings and he was like "I am thinking of your feelings...which is why we talk at all." That was a step for him. He's fine to completely cut off from the world. He barely talks to his parents when he's overseas and is content to seclude himself and retreat into himself. Routine is very important and thus far, he hasn't been able to incorporate a steady relationship into his routine.

Nothing I can do about that.

He's over there for another 10 months. Then he said that he's thinking of doing another year. I honestly don't think he will. He talks a lot about things when he's suffering from a different mindframe. It's almost as if he's not himself. I used to react to that talk but now I just listen and offer kudos...eventually he comes back and says "oh no, I'm not going to do that. I've changed my mind." I have no idea if that's PTSD or if that's just the way he is.

Anyway, he's stubborn so he has not taken advantage of the counseling services that might be overseas. He's attached to a base now that is bigger and may have those resources. I don't know. I've never asked. I just found out myself that they do have mental health counselors and chaplains overseas in the combat zones...at least that's what some friends told me. However, they have never served in the military so I don't know.

Thanks again. I'll have to figure out what I want to do. Right now, I'm content doing nothing. lol. I like the peace and we're still talking so that's good. He says we're not compatible and he can't see us together. I've heard this 874 other times...it doesn't phase me now. Whatever is to be, will be.

Have a great day!

 

[Try]

I have been in this same position-only it's taken me three years and over ten times of him telling me its over to realise that, no it doesn't end!

If I could have told myself one thing at the beginning that I have learned during this time is to do what you're doing and concentrate on you and your feelings. That was my biggest mistake. I lay awake worrying about him and he didn't give me a second thought.

I have been at the mercy of mood swings, excessive drinking and frankly awful messages emails and phonecalls as I thought I could 'help' him. It is only now after cutting ties and letting him go can I see what I have missed out on.

Carry on doing what you're doing, no one is worth having part time and no foundations are built on false promises. I wish you all the best

 

[CateM]

This is very similar to my situation, although I am experiencing it for the first time - and from the entries here I see that it's something that could become a pattern. My (ex) boyfriend and I were together for 9 months when he broke up with me inexplicably - we had a great relationship and he said he'd never been as happy/got on with a girl as well. He has just come out of the military and has struggled with a number of issues for years - which he was fairly open about. Bouts of jealousy and anger would come out of nowhere and he said he felt intense rage during these periods, although he was never violent. Since breaking up we had 1 month of no contact before he got back in touch saying he missed me etc but he feels very unstable at the moment and is trying to get his life under control and eliminate anything that he can't control (which I assume includes me). He has started seeing a psychiatrist to deal with his PTSD and says it's going well but that he's been advised not to get into a relationship whilst he deals with it - which I didn't push.

I have never been in this situation before and am finding it hard to cope with. We've been apart for 4 months now, seeing each other maybe twice a month - always at his instigation - but I don't know if we have a chance of getting back together or whether I'm just going to be more hurt in the long run. As advised in other posts, I've made the most of my time alone and have thrown myself into lots of activities but I know that I'm waiting for him to come back.
As people who have gone through this before, how long do they tend to need 'space' for, and how can I be sure he's not just keeping me on the back burner in case he decides he does want to be with me? I'm just really confused and trying to find out about PTSD to understand my situation more - any advice would be really helpful.

 

[SRE7267]

Hi CateM!

As you continue to read more and more on this forum, you will find that your situation is one that can be related to by many of us here. Coming here and expressing yourself is going to be a great resource for you -- I'm glad you're here and encourage you to continue reading (you will learn a LOT) and reaching out (we are all here as a support system for each other). Also, there is this book I'd like to recommend to you to... "The PTSD Relationship" by Diane England -- GREAT stuff here.

Putting yourself out there and giving everything you have in a relationship is hard enough as it is... but when adding PTSD into the mix, well it makes the struggle all the more difficult. While I know that 9 months together is a significant amount of time to invest in a person (as it certainly allows for enough time to fall in love and continue in the path of a real committed relationship), when talking in long-term relationships, you are still in the infant stages, learning about each other, figuring out each others personalities and what works and doesn't work. While I am not downplaying your feelings for this man, nor do I think that it's easy to walk away from this situation (I know all too well how difficult it is), I urge you to really think about YOU in this moment. You've invested 9 months in the relationship, and then another 4 months of being in the push away/pull you back in cycle... if you are not careful, it can really tear a person down -- you already feel some of it's effects and I encourage you to explore within yourself whether or not this relationship is worth all of the energy that you have -- because trust me, it doesn't get any easier. The inconsistency will continue, the waiting & anticipation will continue and the heartbreak will happen over and over again. I'm not saying that it won't EVER get better -- because I'm sure there are people here that will certainly tell you otherwise -- but guaranteed it didn't get better in the beginning stages of the diagnosis & therapy sessions and guaranteed the people who have made it through to the other side where the grass is greener, probably spent YEARS struggling to get there and have probably sacrificed a great deal along the way.

You just have to weigh out whether or not all of that is worth it for the chance that you MAY be able to have a relationship with this guy again. My advise to you is -- focus on you... allow him the time that he needs to work through what he needs to work through and at the same time, move forward with your life. The truth is that you are not together right now, and for very good reasons -- he needs this time to heal. And just because when he is feeling good, he calls you up and tells you he misses you, that doesn't mean that you have to accept that -- because ultimately, that does not allow you to move forward in your life -- just keeps you holding on, waiting for the time when he's ready -- when he may never be ready for that with you. And I doubt he WANTS to hold you back from your life... I'm sure he does care for you a great deal -- it's the awful struggle that sufferers experience -- he doesn't want to be the cause of your pain, he wants to be with you but just simply cannot be right now. And that time frame, well it's different for everyone -- there is no clear cut answer to how long it will actually take -- It breaks my heart for both of you... but you -- well, you are in this beautiful place of opportunity -- run towards the positive opportunities -- don't get stuck in the cycle. You can still be a support to him if cutting him out of your life is too much -- you just have to define CLEAR boundaries and really be in tune with whether or not you are still holding out hope/waiting for him to come around -- that's not healthy for you.

To answer your question about "space" and how much time a person may need -- well it REALLY varies. In my experience alone, there has been "space" of a day, a couple of weeks and a couple of months all at different times. Sometimes that space involves us not communicating at all. Sometime that space means talking occasionally, but not seeing each other... sometimes I think "this is it -- it's really over this time" and other times I just hold out hope and he comes back to me. It's still very difficult to predict, but I'm always prepared for it -- which is both a blessing and a curse as I'm never blind-sided by it anymore, but I'm always anticipating the day the switch will flip. I find that what works best for me (I'm feeling at my very best right now and have been on a good path the past 6 months individually) is when I focus on me and accept that I cannot change how he operates. I am learning to accept that I do not have to struggle with him. I love him. I will always love him. I will likely always be a support for him. But I have things I want to accomplish in my own life and right now, that is most important to me and is something that as I continue to move forward, he will have to accept and come to terms with... and it's not my "fault" for moving on -- I have not abandoned him as he will likely feel... I am simply and FINALLY caring for myself so I can live the best life that I can. I wish you to do the same -- just sooner than I did... I'm working on 13 years of this struggle and am only 30 years old. I'm tired... Try to really put yourself in my shoes and think about if you feel that this relationship is worth all of that. Best of luck to you -- I am happy that your guy is in therapy, learning how to better cope and I wish for you all the best as you move forward.

 

[CateM]

Hi SRE7267,

Thanks for the welcome and your response - both much appreciated!

Your thoughts are spot on and I’ve spent a lot of time mulling this point over. It was only 9 months, not nearly the longest relationship I have been in, but it was very intense and became serious very quickly. My ex is kind, thoughtful, attentive, considerate, funny, active, cute…..the list goes on. He spoke about the future, intimating that we had one, and made me feel very safe in the relationship.

I’m 30 years old but this was the first time I really thought I had found ‘the one’ and could see myself settling down. We have met each other’s friends and family, been on holiday alone and with friends and have been perfectly happy. Yes, there have been moments when he would suddenly become agitated and jealous leading to angry arguments, which always seemed to come out of nowhere. However, we managed to diffuse these and move on – although they gave me pause for thought as to whether I wanted to be in a sporadically (emotionally) volatile relationship. I decided I did, because he is so much more than just these episodes.

The break up was a real shock to me, and all of those who knew us as a couple. It was a complete 180 as we had been discussing moving in with each other at the end of the year. We had no contact for a month before he text asking me to meet him for a drink. He told me that he was surprised by how much he was missing me as usually he just feels relieved when he breaks up with someone - but not with me.

Over the last couple of months we've met up a few of times but the thing that has been hardest has been the inconsistency of the communication. One week he's texting every day and the next it's practically radio silence. When we're together we get on brilliantly - sometimes he offers information about his therapy but I never ask as I don't want to pry.

We have had a couple of chats about 'us' but he says that whilst he agrees we're great together etc, he still needs more time. I'm conscious that he is confronting his issues by seeing a psychiatrist and I want to give him the chance to do this in the way he needs (ie alone) and then hope that he comes back to me - I believe he is worth the wait. However, I know that this can't go on forever and there may come a point when I will have to accept that he’s not coming back and move on for real but I feel like I need to give us a proper chance to make it work before I do this.

I feel that I am more aware of what he is dealing with now and that if we do get back together we can make it work for good. He has also said that he doesn’t want to get back together only to break up a month down the line. I think we both know that if we do start again, it’s to be for the long haul…..I think that’s worth a few months of my life (although I imagine I will become far more acquainted with this forum in the meantime - it's a real help in understanding what's going on and also for finding an outlet to talk about this - the confusion and frustration is almost overwhelming at times)!

At the moment, I am doing what you suggested and concentrating on me and getting my life on track. As much as I want to be with him, a part of me does hope that I'll just wake up one morning and realise that I am over him.

 

[HelloMo80]

What you're doing is the right thing. I'm in my early 30's and I don't want to wait forever. If we can make it work, great. If not, I'm an awesome person and I know the right Mr. Awesome is out there for me. So, I don't comfort myself with the "plenty of fish in the sea" talk but I do know that while it may hurt to deal with the ultimate break, I know I won't be alone for the rest of my life. And neither will any of your ladies, unless you do so by choice. :)

My ex-guy told me that he's changing his entire life plans when we comes back. This is stage two of the PTSD "all systems go" routine. A LOT of what he's talking about makes absolutely no sense. The same thing he tells me he wants to do when he returns is the SAME thing he could have done when we lived together in another city. I had actually helped him find some opportunities in this industry back then (at his request) and he balked when two legit offers came in. You would have thought I sold naked pictures of him online or something - the way he acted at getting some actual interest.

One thing I struggle with is the lack of clearly defined goals for him. I have no idea if this is PTSD or borderline personality disorder kicking in but his goals are COMPLETELY unrealistic. And by completely I mean like snowball's chance in hell type unrealistic. And don't get me wrong...he CAN do these things, however he doesn't want to work for stuff. He just wants to show up and have people already know what he's about so he can get the top spot, with no effort. Sigh...I could go on. The bottom line is this. We all have to make choices. I don't know that I will stay with someone who is fanciful and unrealistic...but awesome to be around when he's stateside, or dutiful and determined while overseas but completely out of touch with what it takes to build and keep a relationship.

I'm actually a lot closer to making a decision than I realize. I just need to stick to it this time.

 

[nursenurse]

Mo, I could not live with the kind of Jekyll Hyde relationship you are describing. Somewhere along the line, something is not well controlled. BPD is extremely difficult to live with in the best of circumstances, and has bested some of the most caring, compassionate, empathetic people I know. PTSD is no picnic either, but the good times can outweigh the bad times.

If he is that out of touch as to how to build and maintain a relationship, it isn't likely going to happen. Make your decision, and stick with it. You deserve peace.