Just Frustrated....

[mrsmegan]

I am not having a good day today....

I just want to know and believe that I am loved and that people care and not have to second guess it all of the time and be so f-ing afraid and pretend like I can read their minds or expect the worse because every time I feel that love and feel that care and appreciation – I am reminded about how I can’t have any of that. I am reminded of the past and how that can’t possibly be real.

I am not trying to make people’s lives difficult, I’m not trying to be annoying or keep myself trapped, this is just honestly how I feel and think, and it's exhausting.

No matter what I do, it's just never good enough. If I'm being honest about how hard this is, about my feelings and thoughts and triggers, then I'm being stubborn and not changing.

If I start withholding my thoughts or feelings - then I am deflecting.

I just can't win.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Yes, it would be nice if we lived in a land where everyone loved everyone and no one had to doubt that they mattered. But life isn't like that and most likely will never be.

I'm not sure why you think you can't have love, or are reminded of the past and it can't be real. That simple isn't true. But it starts with loving yourself in spite of what you think or feel about yourself or what others think about you. Happiness and love have to come from within yourself, in order for others to see this. If you don't love and respect yourself, then others won't either. Treat YOURSELF with love and respect first and foremost..... Then others will soon fall in too.... If they don't, then it's their loss.

I know this all sounds fairytale like and impossible when we have shitty PTSD, depression and all the other wonderful things that go along with it, but it can be done. It takes time, and effort on your part. Look for the good within yourself, the person that you know is in there, and nurture that person. Baby steps and one foot in front of the other....

 

[ladee]

It is frustrating when we see others having loving relationships without all the angst we put our selves thru. But as @She Cat shared, it has to start with us... this site is full of people struggling with what that 'love thing' is, and how to manage all the stress that we seem to have about it.
Most times, we did not have any healthy role models to show us how it's done, or anyone to tell us we were lovable and get hugs and the things we needed as children... Where we come from, what you are feeling is very normal.
And if you share here, you will not be made to look wrong. WE all have our own journey to health....This site is full of information, experiences, suggestions, and hope...
So don't give up on yourself, you are not alone.. And things do get better. No one here will be dishonest with you and not say how hard it can be sometimes... it is hard.. but also so worth it. We come to love our self and make the abusers liars..... we are worth love... every single one of us.... glad you are here and hope you get good feedback to pressure off yourself....hugs if you accept them.

 

[Chem Lady]

I'm sorry you're having a tough day. I totally understand. I struggle with that exact same thing. I had no dad, and my mom did a good job convincing me she didn't love me. It often leaves me doubting people because "if my mom didn't love me, why would anyone else?". Its totally normal to have days when those words win. Especially when people do small things that make me wonder. It's so easy to interpret things in a negative way. And it's so hard to see that I'll ever think anyone loves me again.
But I do. I keep working towards surrounding myself with good, accepting people, and there are fewer and fewer days where I feel totally unloved.
I'm sorry you feel sad today. I'll send you a hug and if I was there, I'd be sad with you.

 

[mrsmegan]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I appreciate your support.

It can be so exhausting when your thoughts and logic just do not match up to emotions - it's hard to deal with that and come to terms that it is okay for that to happen and to sit with emotions that are going nuts.