LisawithPTSD
Confident
I've really healed a lot in the last 9-10 years since I started treatment. My friends and family and therapist mention it so many times. And I realize it too.
Recently, though, I've had suicidal ideations again. I feel like I'm just... done.
I've accomplished everything I set out to do. I know how to feel gratitude and live in the moment. I have felt a connectiveness to my higher self and deep love for myself, others and the world.
In the last year and a half I lost two of my dogs that were basically my spirit guides. And I lost two men—one I had been with for 12 years who left me for another woman and a year later is engaged. And another who I knew in college and, at the time, was the man I most wanted to date, and still do.
Unfortunately, PTSD does not mix well with relationships and I couldn't maintain them. I was always getting triggered and fleeing. People can only put up with that shit for so long.
So, here I am, I have a nice home, great friends, good job working for myself, well travelled, am pretty healthy, and have a dog that loves me.... and I want to move on... to death.
I just don't want to be here any more.
My heart has left me, I guess, and there is no soul in here. And, frankly, I don't want it back. I know how to get it back and I don't want it. Not even for my dog. I keep telling myself to 'wait.' I'm just in a triggered state and it will dissipate but I don't want it to. I lack desire. I'm just going thru the motions.
I'm just... done.
Recently, though, I've had suicidal ideations again. I feel like I'm just... done.
I've accomplished everything I set out to do. I know how to feel gratitude and live in the moment. I have felt a connectiveness to my higher self and deep love for myself, others and the world.
In the last year and a half I lost two of my dogs that were basically my spirit guides. And I lost two men—one I had been with for 12 years who left me for another woman and a year later is engaged. And another who I knew in college and, at the time, was the man I most wanted to date, and still do.
Unfortunately, PTSD does not mix well with relationships and I couldn't maintain them. I was always getting triggered and fleeing. People can only put up with that shit for so long.
So, here I am, I have a nice home, great friends, good job working for myself, well travelled, am pretty healthy, and have a dog that loves me.... and I want to move on... to death.
I just don't want to be here any more.
My heart has left me, I guess, and there is no soul in here. And, frankly, I don't want it back. I know how to get it back and I don't want it. Not even for my dog. I keep telling myself to 'wait.' I'm just in a triggered state and it will dissipate but I don't want it to. I lack desire. I'm just going thru the motions.
I'm just... done.