Just Had A Bad Night. :(

[lisamarie]

I had a really bad night tonight. Things have actually been getting better. I don't know if its the herbal remedies I've been taking or just a natural lull but I'd been feeling probably 50% better.

So tonight, my boyfriend and I are arguing. Now mind you this is not a major argument, and he's certainly not raising his voice or threatening me in ANY way. But I've been in so many situations in which my psycho abusive ex would scream at me, threaten me, etc., that in my mind, anytime there is ANY disagreement between us, my current boyfriend is subject to flip. (None of this is based in reality.)

Well, long story short, I had probably the most anxious night I'd had in at least a month. I was terrified to come home; I thought someone was going to break into my house, or be waiting for me. I was crying; I am so sick of feeling so scared all the time. I feel like my abusive ex ruined my life. I wasn't scared all the time before. I wasn't this anxious. My life was completely different.

I pray to God that I don't feel like this tomorrow; its almost too much to handle sometimes. :(

 

[The Albatross]

Hope you have had a better day lisamarie. I can say that my abusive ex and my father set me up for being more vulnerable and fragile. I try not to think about my life being ruined. Nothing good comes from it. For me it drives the depressive aspect and makes it harder to deal on a day to day basis with my spouse and my responsibilities. I do try to think of it as something I can learn to cope with. It took me a long time to be able to learn how to stay in the present during disagreements, conflict, and arguing. I really have to focus hard on what's "really" going on, and not let my mind kick me back to worst case senarios and scare the crap out of me or trigger.

 

[Srain]

That can be a very difficult issue to get over. My heart goes out to you. The last time my ex broke into my apt, shattering my sense of freedom and 10yrs of abuse and moving on I was shredded. Sometimes even the slightest things can trigger us or send memories back to us of those times when we were never safe from attacks.

Working on feeling yourself being here, being with this person not that person, remembering it really is over and you really are safe, feeling the ground beneath you, the touch of couch...mindfulness...helps to bring me back to now and helps to stop the terror and those feelings.

be gentle with yourself,
peace,
Rain