Just Married

[Sue Ling]

I'm so glad I found this thread! About 8 months ago, I reconnected with my college sweetheart and we have began a relationship that we had left behind from 20 years ago. We have always loved one another but neither one of us was ready or mature enough back then.

After having our own marriage and kids, I found him after I left my husband whom I never loved of 16 years. (I had just graduated from college and marriage was the next step! Right? That's what you are supposed to do! I rushed into a 5 month relationship, got married, and emmediately got pregnant all within the first 6 months of our initial date.)

My new boyfriend has been divored for almost 10 years and has stayed single since. He has just retired (2 months ago) from the army after 22 years of active duty (Afghan, Iraq, and more) and is a sufferer of PTSD. He says that it started 6-7 years ago after Iraq. He has a psychology degree and he is now in graduate school to become a counselor, specifically to help veterans with PTSD. He doesn't want to get help and doesn't want to be labeled with the disease in fear of not being able to become a counselor. He truely has gift at helping people emotionally.

He is a very good looking man with a wonderful personality and I question how someone like him, who could have any woman he wanted, would stay single for 10 years....He says that no one was ever good enough for him. Is it because of his PTSD? His life has been the military for 22 years...he knows nothing else....and now, he is adjusting to the civilian world.

Since we have met, we have had some unbelievable situations occur. Over the past 2 months he has opened up to me so much that he claims I have healed him...He has told me stories about things in Iraq and his childhood that he has been burying for years that I can never repeat. He believes I am his curer of the disease....he has no more night sweats, no more nightmares, he is finally sleeping all night, and he has much less anger in him. He wants to marry me, and I want the same, but my fear is the unknown of what our future has in store for us.

I have not let him meet my sons yet because I still think it's too soon. I'm not sure why...am I protecting them from this disease? Or is it too soon after leaving my husband (almost a year)? We are connected like no other 2 people that I know have ever been connected. Maybe because it's still the honey stage for us. He tells me that I am his Godsend. That he needs me. That I am his savior to be able to live a normal life now. He's been in darkness for so long, so alone.

He is amazing, but for some reason, we have so much drama in our lives...fights occur for no reason at least twice a week...He makes me feel like i disappoint him and I've told him that he makes me feel like I'm not who he wants me to be...He is so receptive to my concerns, apologizes and tries to be better. He sees his flaws, and yes, I have flaws too...but I can't help but wonder...is it from the PTSD?

 

[tragichamlet]

[quote="tragichamlet, post: 236523 Do you have shakes at night? Sometimes his body shakes and it is always almost at night. He wakes me up. Sometimes it is just a muscle twitch and sometime it is his entire body.

Before PTSD, I had steady hands, now I have the shakes. My body twitches also, it can happen day or night. Yes there are emotional and physical repercussions. Those are some symptoms that have appeared. It's learning to deal with them and finding tricks to manage them. But that can only happen if one gets help, at least on a weekly basis. Please TH, you are his wife, not his therapist. It is a very frightening thing to have PTSD as you really have this conviction that you are losing your head and your life. It's a humbling experience to have to say ... I NEED HELP BECAUSE I CAN'T DO THIS BY MYSELF... (((Hugs))) to you and your H.[/quote]

Thank you so much for your insights. I really really appreciate it. You have a very good way of expressing what I think he cannot put into words so it gives me a better understanding of what he may be going through. Thank you so much.

 

[tragichamlet]

I'm so glad I found this thread! About 8 months ago, I reconnected with my college sweetheart and we have began a relationship that we had left behind from 20 years ago. We have always loved one another but neither one of us was ready or mature enough back then.

Wow! When i read your statement, "he makes me feel like I dissapoint him and I've told him that he makes me feell ike I'm not who he wants to be..." oh my gosh...did you copy that out of my journal? I feel exactly the same way. I tell Lance that all the time. I feel like i'm a disappointment to him becuase he is finds things irritating and he gets angry. This happens about every 10 days. I couldnt understand it at first and i thought it was me, but he finally told me it was him and then when is started reading about PTSD, i realized that one of the symptoms is irritability and anger and guilt. He feels so guilty when he thinks he hurts me and then he causes him to go into one of those moments. Trust me....I didnt know at first if it was me and i was CONFUSED. I was like i couldnt pinpoint exactly what changed becuase he did all the right things, but it was like there was a body living with me but not the man I married. Cold, irritable and easily angered. He never got crazy though but it was a subtle anger.

Another thing too....I know there isn't a cure, but Lance has also told me that i'm his only hope for a happy marriage and for a relationship that he finally has someone who really knows him....I know this is going to be an ongoing issue for us that we will have to manage for the rest of our lives. I compare it with couples who have to deal with other illnesses like cancer or something....it doesn't go away but you learn how to manage it and hopefully it doesnt prevent you from being happy. I dont know the answer though on how to manage it becuase right now, i fall apart when he gets into an episode. I am willing to fight for it though because i love him so very deeply. He is 52 and was diagnosed with this in his mid 30s so he has lived with it for awhile...sounds very similar to your new boyfriend.

I work with Lance. No one knows about his PTSD. He is adamant that no one knows so i have no support. He is ok with me going on this forum becuase i guess it doesn't affect his career. About you marrying your boyfriend? I dont know. Maybe you should postpone it until you know if this is what you want.....I mean PTSD is very very difficult to deal with. I had no idea! I mean, i really had no idea! It has affected our relationship more than anything, but I'm determined to work on it because I love him deeply.

You should also see how he is with the kids. I think it is good and smart that you have not introduced him to your kids until you really know if you are going to go all the way with this relationship. Lance is AMAZING with my kids. I could not have chosen a better stepfather. They are young and he spends alot of time with them.

The strangest thing though is we have such a connection that i can feel immediately when he is having a PTSD moment even before he recognizes it. I just know. His voice changes....the way he does things change even though he is doing everything right. He will even deny it, but then later he will say that I've always been right. It just takes him longer to recognize that it is happening.

 

[Sue Ling]

Hi tragichamlet!

Great post! I too have no support because of the same reasons, and I am very new to this whole PTSD, so I'd like to help support you if you can support me. I am no counselor, although I do have a passion for helping people and think about getting my masters in school counseling (I am a high school teacher). Over the past 18 years, I've been a sounding board for many adolescents!

Yesterday, I told Brad that I had been doing some research on PTSD. I told him that I felt like I needed to understand what he was going through more, and I told him that it has already helped me tremendously understand why we have so many ups and downs in our relationship. I apologized for not being understanding up to this point and that I have a lot to learn about PTSD.

He is so scared. It is obvious that he has held this in for so long and that he is terrified to get it out. At first, he was very sceptical at what I had to say. I actually didn't tell him much at all. He doesn't know that I am communicating online, he just knows that I have been reading stories from wives of combat PTSD survivors and that I have been educating myself on PTSD. He doesn't want anyone to know and he feels like just the two of us should be enough help for one another to get through this. I'm gradually taking baby steps in talking to him about this because I truely believe that this is too big for us to tackle alone.

Last night he said, "Maybe you and I can talk some soon about what you are learning." YAY! I told him that I truely believe that what I've discovered so far can help us in our relationship so much. I told him that now I'm starting to understand what he is going through. He said, "I don't even know what I am going through and why I do the things I do sometimes." It broke my heart. I love him so much and want to help him.

What makes this even more difficult is the fact that I am still going through a divorce and mourning the loss of a "family", as well as mourning the loss of my oldest son (16yo) who has decided to live with his father. We were so close...at least I thought we were...So, sometimes, I get so weak in the midst of things when I am dealing with my soon-to-be ex and his diceteful ways of pulling my son away from me. (I chose to leave him and he is very angry at me).

However, Brad has ALWAYS been there to comfort me and pick me back up. Early in our relationship he did shut me out a few times, but he is the one that seems to always pull us back together. He is truely amazing and strong. My first husband created a habit in me that taught me to hold everything in because he would never communicate with me. Now, Brad is just the opposite. He wants to talk and communicate all of the time. I am committed to him and I am devoted to our love. I'm 40 years old and I've never felt a love and connection so strong. This type of love only happens to SOME people , and I am blessed to experience this with Brad.

Prayer and Faith go a long way!

 

[Sue Ling]

Just curious tragichamlet....If you had to do it all over again, marriage to Lance, would you do it knowing what you know now?

I feel completely committed and willing to accept this, but I'm not ready to jump into another marriage yet, mainly for my boys' sake. I'm guessing 1 1/2 to 2 years before we would "tie the knot". I have joint custody and we do the one week on one week off custody.

When I don't have my kids, Brad comes stay with me. He lives 2 1/2 hours away and plans on moving here when he graduates in a year and a half from graduate school, so we kinda live together on and off.

He's not working right now because he JUST retired from the military, literally, Today is his last active duty day. He does plan on working either part time or full time while in grad school, so once that begins he may not be coming spend as much time with me every other week, we will see

<Edited by Amethist>