Childhood Just need a perspective from a sexual abuse victim/surviour

[Smile1990]

Hey first time writing on a fourm please excuse the numerous spelling mistakes auto correct is handy at time I guess. So the reason I want to write something is that I have no clue how to express my emotions in a away that I can open up properly without having a joke or adding humour to a serious subject is that connected in anyway are is it just my personally. Sorry I forgot to say what I'm thinking it's connected to as I am now 27 years old I suppressed the sexual abuse I received at a young age but always felt something I felt different all my life afraid but could never show I was afraid who I received the abuse I couldn't show weakness to anyone and still don't. It's so difficult to write everything down in one and I know that everyone deals with things in different ways so humour must be mine. See the main reason I'm asking this question is because I'm travelling at the moment and I love to travel a lot and speak to people but when I have drink in and the subject of sex comes up or what's guys I've been with I just don't want to sound werid but I don't want to lie either so it's gets cufusing so if I end up saying what happened in a small part because I have (yet to really tell myself what happened if you understand )then i makw a joke and because I like to smile a lot and don't want others to actually feel down around me I like to cheer people up. I don't know if any of this make sense or is a big deal but I to talk without looking at Some ones face feeling like I want to protect there feelings

 

[Deleted member 40995]

I have a hard time telling people because I always feel like I then have to smile and say it's all fine so they won't feel badly.

 

[Fadeaway]

You have no reason to disclose abuse to a stranger. Many people don't even disclose to spouses. It is ok to say that how many people you have been with is no ones business In fact. I would find it rather odd and a bit disturbing if someone told me how many partners they have had if they weren't stranger or even an acquaintance.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

is that I have no clue how to express my emotions in a away that I can open up properly without having a joke or adding humour to a serious subject

Prior to my ptsd recovery, I had already spent exasperating, exorbitant and maladaptive amounts of my time and energy up in my head and "caring" about what my family of origin, and other insignificant people on the periphery of my life were "feeling" and "thinking" about any given subject, including me. Whew! So happy to be out of that mental and emotional rat race cage of self-inflicted and self-imposed stress and anguish and ridiculous self-taught unrealistic and overwhelming personal expectations. I use to give so much unnecessary weight, credence and leverage, and POWER to what others thought and felt about anything, including what they unsolicited had to say about me and what they thought about me. And I was unable to talk about serious subjects even using humor. I was shut down.

I am now 27 years old I suppressed the sexual abuse I received at a young age but always felt something I felt different all my life

I was shut down due to sexual abuse trauma, like you. And I joked around a lot (drank, drugged, sexed, over-ate, etc. numbed out) never really feeling like being the jokester, I just wanted to escape what lie beneath (trauma history) and I did NOT know how to live in my own skin with the sexual abuse. After I realized that I was shut down due to the sexual, physical, etc. abuse, I STOPPED giving others who never asked for this - dominion over my thoughts, feelings, etc., and I stopped trying to make everyone happy, and I stopped sharing my private info with strangers, acquaintances, etc. Also, I used to professionally clown (for extra monies during college) and this was fun and in hindsight it was also a way for me to try and cover up what lie beneath and I drank over, drugged over, sexed over, over-ate over, etc. and that was my ptsd issues that had not been diagnosed let alone treated and addressed in trauma therapy.

I felt different all my life afraid but could never show I was afraid who I received the abuse I couldn't show weakness to anyone

Throughout my personal life and prior to my 3/2012 ptsd diagnosis, I used to select people who had either been damaged and were unhappy, depressed, angry like me, and also people with untreated and unresolved mental health issues because I too felt so different and I felt ashamed and guilted by family of origin and I froze around and ran from people who seemed happy and healthy. Hindsight, I tried to make the broken people I surrounded my self with - laugh mainly because I was crying on the inside and running away from my 'self'. I tried unsuccessfully to cover up my sadness.

and the subject of sex comes up or what's guys I've been with I just don't want to sound werid

And I kept my main focus on what I "felt" others needed to or were entitled to hear and know about me...no they weren't...I had no boundaries and so I told people things that were none of their business. Why? Out of my guilt and shame for having been sexually traumatized and what a waste of my energy and time...for I cannot convince anyone to love me, or understand me at least until I have a better understanding of my self. And now, I don't want to self-disclose to just any one - anymore. I owe NO ONE notta and no explanation as to why I act the way I do, or why I am the way that I am. And people in my private life whom I love, and love me understand already as we've shared intimate details. Others...well it's none of their business. Unless I choose to make it their business. And, I have my hands full with me - growing, changing, and going through major personal trauma recovery metamorphoses (plural). So I take all of my precious energy and time and personal details and info that I used to give away to people who did not ask for it, (justifying why I am the way that I am?) idk, nor care nor were they affected one way or the other about it, unless my inappropriate self-disclosure ran people away from me in droves.

I just don't want to sound werid but I don't want to lie either so it's gets cufusing so if I end up saying what happened in a small part

And now I do not have to self-disclose private info to strangers, acquaintances and justify my existence and explain to anyone how/why I am...for take me as I am...for in each new day I focus in on me now and what makes me tick...and don't share so much private info with others unless they have a real vested interest in me...and still don't unless it is my closest and best friend - C or my trauma therapist. Do you have a trauma therapist for the sexual abuse you endured?

And now can I make this day glorious about my own self-healing and self-discovery! It's not about focusing on everyone else anymore (people, places, and things to either "fix" me or to take the focus off my self - NO) it's about focusing on me in my ptsd trauma recovery...and I no longer hyper-focus on what and how my family, others they think and feel about (and/or about me). It's high time to make my life about me...and being happy with me...and dealing with my trauma and finding my own happiness and self-contentment. It's about me now...finally...and what and how do I think and feel about me and everything that surrounds me and affects me. I feel pretty good about my self this day!

I am the most important person in my life now...was not the case prior to my ptsd recovery...was S/I and on self-destruct (tried to kill myself multiple times) because I had made others my gods. I took everyone (family of origin, friends, etc.) off of their pedestals that I had placed them so high above me on.

I'm travelling at the moment and I love to travel a lot and speak to people but when I have drink in and the subject of sex comes up

When I spend quality time with people whom care deeply about me, and I about them...I find it to be totally inappropriate to bring up my personal sex life with them...and I don't give a flyin' flip what others think of me as long as I feel comfortable and healthy in my own skin. For this is my barometer, my measuring stick...how do I feel about my self in relationship to those around me? Today, I am now learning to concentrate and change my self and move away from toxic waste negative external stimuli life-sucking people surrounding me as I have stringent boundaries in place to protect me from toxic people that can still enter into my personal space.

I used to try and "fix" everyone I thought needing my 'fixin', because I chose to be around people whom I felt needed "fixing" so I did NOT have to look at my own mess (from pervs/perps) that I in turn perpetuated) and I felt "comfortable" around people who seemed broken and damaged like me and who seemed to need a 'fixin'. They seemed angry, or so very sad (like my former self) and they didn't care that I was so freaking broken and hopeless...so I felt "comfortable" around these broken vessels like me...so I only associated with them and set about clowning around and trying to make them laugh (couldn't fix my damaged 'self' or my family of origin so let me try and fix others...and take all of the focus off of myself...no). I do still love to make people laugh...but for an entirely different reason. And it's because lately most days, I am so inwardly and times so deliriously happy and free to be me (and I don't encircle myself with people like my family of origin anymore). I want to share my happiness with others now...rather than "fix" anyone. And I want to continue working on my self in ongoing trauma therapy.

And I don't disclose private information to strangers, nor acquaintances, and I only have three people in my life that I confide in and tell my private life/secrets with and it's in the vault afterwards because they are not vindictive, back-stabbing, cutthroat scavaging fair-weathered friends, nor conniving self-centered people. Yesterday this woman whom everyone tip-toes around smarted off that she did not want to hear the topic du jour, and I said, "The next time you start talking about something I don't particularly want to listen to, then, I am going to let you know I don't want to hear about it either then." And that seemed to take a bit of the hot air out of her rigid, (hot-air) dirigible-like mental mindset. And I avoid people like this woman...like they have a contagious disease...which they for me do...it's called narcissistic personality disorder ex. like both bio and half-sister are narcs. And I now recognize this

Today in my personal life, I am fortunate to have several people who are good solid role models for me now...and they are very intelligent, and have full personal lives and are for the most part living happy, loving, and joyous, and free lives with their spouses, children, grandchildren, families, friends, etc.

For me, they've passed my trust detector and shield test and therefore I know they would not set me up to fail by using private conversations we've shared to harm me. And they are good mentors, some are maternal, others are paternal role models (both of which - well in my formative years - I had...neither!

They are loving, giving, and caring friends. I don't share my private information with strangers, nor with acquaintances. Here in forum with a pseudonym (name), I can be nakedly honest and talk about whatever I feel comfortable privately sharing here and that is one of the many reasons I am so grateful to this forum.

However, I am fortunate enough in my personal life to have a woman whom at times I call "Mom" that I share extremely private thoughts, and intimacies and sensitive private details about myself with and there is no fear of her ever using this info against me, or divulging my private thoughts, histories, info to anyone else, plus we do not travel in the same circles of friends. And again, she is more like my "Mom" figure...so I am beyond blessed right now she's in my life. Hope this helps.

 

[glasshalfempty]

Hey first time writing on a fourm please excuse the numerous spelling mistakes auto correct is handy...

Hi Smile1990, after reading your post I felt compelled to reply because my way of dealing with childhood sexual abuse is quite the opposite. My abuse started when I was 8 and continued until I was 16 when my mother passed away and her husband was no longer in my life. I was then raped at knife point a month later by a stranger who lured me into his record shop with the promise of a job. When I got home, my sister/guardian beat me with a belt the moment I walked in the door because I smelled like I had been f***ing. Not looking for pity or sympathy, but I see nothing to smile about. People ask me "why don't you smile?" I don't trust people at first sight, in fact most say I am mean. I can count the number of friends I have had in my life on one hand and still have my thumb left over. I am now 63. There are so many painful memories, but the recent unexpected death of my brother-in-law who helped my sister raise me has triggered a flood of emotions. He was kind and treated me the way a father should, and I miss him dearly.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

So sorry @glasshalfempty for the loss of your brother-in-law...sending healing thoughts and prayers...and understand how you are missing him now so very much. And hoping @Smile1990 you are hanging in there...hugs.

 

[New]

I have a hard time telling people because I always feel like I then have to smile and say it's all fine...

Me too!!!

 

[EveHarrington]

Ehhhhhh I think it's concerning that you disclose abuse to strangers.

Do you realize that you're opening yourself up to more abuse by telling potentially non-safe people that you're an abuse survivor?

Essentially you're putting a stamp on your forehead that says you're a survivor. Predators know to go after the weak, and while I'm not saying you're weak, by telling people you've been abused, this indicates to them that you are potentially easier prey as someone else has already violated your boundaries------in essence, that it will be easier for them to cross those already damaged boundaries.

 

[SpacemanSpiff]

Hi!

I've used humor for so long as a big bubble surrounding me that I felt no one could pop. I eventually learned the folly of this from folks who I thought were my friends. As one poster said that its a good thing to weed out the toxic creatures that poison the earth. So I will use humor but only in little doses with genuine people. It's sort of like a profit/loss ratio I scan people with and that scanner is getting better all the time.

But you should use humor if it makes you happy though maybe disclosing your csa may not be prudent as it seems many people just cannot handle it the way you would like or the way they should.

 

[liz81934]

Hi!

Glad you started your thoughts, Have a similar issue where I also use humor. If a guy asks me about my sexual past, I started just telling them that I do not really go back with guys and sometimes that I am more of a relationship type person. Yes, it scares them away at times but it is better than opening up to a stranger for me at least. I repressed my memories but always kind of had a feeling, so it is hard to talk about with others so I fully understand why you use humor because I do too to avoid people feeling sad/sorry for me. I try and just blow it off and then write down my feelings which helps a lot or just ignore the comment as a whole. Unfortunately, I had told a couple guys I was seeing and close friends at the time and they told me I was making it up, so I would just be careful because some people cannot handle those kinds of traumatic events.

 

[simplysawa]

Hey first time writing on a fourm please excuse the numerous spelling mistakes auto correct is handy...

Well, i think you shouldn't feel obligated to answer, maybe try setting boundaries that help you feel more comfortable, dont worry so much about other people when it comes to your personal stuff i understand some questions are hard ti answer, ones that come up sometimes, there are certain topics that are very hot for me, like do not touch at all. I get really angry, cant help it. I do try to joke about it sometimes but i guess im a terrible comedian, i end up feeling very awkward around people most of the time when i try and interact, i feel they look at me like something is wrong, like they can see the issue