Just Need To Say This Without Being Judged

[Sheera]

It's not getting better I doubt it ever will I'm tired of hoping and working towards a better tomorrow that will never come... I'd do anything to have it all be over the idea and fantasy of it all being over is overwhelming... However I'm not in any danger of doing anything to hurt myself or others.. I realize that I can't take those steps BUT I don't have to be happy about it

 

[SeanCharles]

I realize that I can't take those steps BUT I don't have to be happy about it

This is good that you realize you can't take those steps and being happy or not being happy is also neither right or wrong! With feelings, they are neither right nor wrong...They just are! :)
Do you have a therapist or anyone else you can share these feelings with?

 

[Sherry]

It's not getting better I doubt it ever will I'm tired of hoping and working towards a better tomorrow t...

I hear you Sheera.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It's not getting better I doubt it ever will I'm tired of hoping and working towards a better tomorrow that will never come

I know this feeling! I do! My therapist advised my insurence therapist that i may need therapy for life. That was a crushing feeling. I know the feeling of it not getting better. Trying as hard as you possibly can but nothing getting better and feeling like things are worse.

Eight years in therapy and most of my growth in the last 10 months, I am here to say it gets better! It does! There is a light at the end of that tunnel! Keep going as when you see a small bit of that light and make steps foward its so worth it! :hug:

 

[Sheera]

This is good that you realize you can't take those steps and being happy or not being happy...

I have an amazing therapist... But I've had a couple of bad dissociative weeks and she's already worried about me and I can't drop another load of crazy on her.. As is she's asking me not to drive tomorrow..

 

[Sheera]

I know this feeling! I do! My therapist advised my insurence therapist that i may need ther...

Therapy for life :( yeah that sounds about right .. 5+ years and counting... Still going every week.. And my therapist has mentioned additional support groups and more meds... Yay

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You'll get there @Sheera! You will! Remember i was in therapy 7 years and 2 months before any real foward movements. I was chasing my tail before then. Im not saying it'll take as long but its not uncommon. You will get there!

 

[Sheera]

Is there something that changed? That made therapy suddenly work and 'stick'? What am I doing wrong? Stuff, that's out of my control keeps happening that pulls me off track.. I would love to give up

 

[Sheera]

I would do anything to give up for the past week I haven't been able to get out of the past I've been stuck remembering reliving like in a loop over and over the yelling the pain over and over and it's taking over everything.. I hear them over the sounds of the present I see them in the shadows and everywhere in everything and of course my past left its fair share of physical repercussions that don't help... I'm tired I can't sleep I can't relax I wish I could give in.... I'm mad that I can't Im almost mad that I have a family and responsibilities reasons to stay here and continue fighting to at the very least not deteriorate..

 

[aut555]

It seems l am hearing you voice a disconnect from all of this. It's been a bit much for you. Think maybe to try quieting your mind some how. A hour soothing massage like hot stone works miracles, acupuncture works with some people. Can focus on your ailments and find some type of relief with meds or physical therapy? Just a 15 min walk even if slow in a park for a couple of weeks. If you can take even 30 mins and do something for you to smile about. Sending compassion and understanding.

 

[Sheera]

It seems l am hearing you voice a disconnect from all of this. It's been a bit much for you. Think maybe...

Thank you for the understanding and kind words.. I live in Colorado where mmj is legal.. I'm sitting outside now taking my 'meds' the munchkin is in bed hubby is watching TV.. I live in the mountains it's rural and quiet.. I try to use the quiet nights to recharge but I guess the lack of sleep but lately the past has taken over completely I can't hear the silence it's just relentless if that makes sense

 

[aut555]

Cali state is putting it on the ballot Nov to legalize. Ok, about journaling these thoughts thereby acknowledging them? Mindful mediation in the morning when you first wake up. One yoga move in the morning grounds me. Is that child pose l think, where you sit with your knees to either side, press your belly to floor then breathe in thru nose and release through mouth. This surprisingly works for me. Build a small alter to tranquility in your life? Ok, hope you see what l am getting at. Must be beautiful where you are. Lived on a reservation in Arizona, right next to Sedona, Grand Canyon. So much beauty.