Childhood Just Need To Tell Someone.

[Beech]

I'm in therapy for ptsd which presents itself in disassociation and voice hearing at the moment. I've made a lot of progress and have told my therapist almost everything but not this, I cant tell anyone because I feel so ashamed.
When I was a younger woman I used to lie and say I had been sexually abused to my therapist because I didn't think that actually happened was 'bad enough' to warrant being this upset. Now I am nearly 30 I know in my heart that what happened is wrong and sick, and I don't want to hide it anymore.

When I was very little I can remember withdrawing severely and day wetting and my parents didn't really care (it was already an abusive household - they were both alcoholics and quite neglectful. I myself didn't understand my own behavior. I also had bad night terrors and sleep walking from toddler right through to my teenage years.

When I was little I think my dad mollested me,I say think because he was asleep while he was doing it, but im not sure if he was pretending or not. He was restraining me and touching my chest and knicker area even though I was only about 5. I got very confused, I thought he may have confused me for my mother when he was drunk ( I dont thin k this now). I blocked this out until I was 17.

Me and my dad spent a lot of time together and I felt as if we were both kids together. He had a lot of mood swings and problems with alcohol, but we were still close. I felt as if he were very protective of me, in an unhealthy way. When I had sex education he told me he never wanted me to have sex with anyone because it would break his heart. When he was drunk he'd take a lot of photos of me and tell me how beautiful he thought I was and I felt like he was saying it in an adult way that a man would say to a woman, it made me feel sick. He'd also ask me to do dances for him and I felt at the time it was in a way i'd seen adult men say it to adult women in american movies.

When I came to puberty, things got very tense and ugly. I felt like parents didnt love their adult children, and the changes my body was making was pushing him away from me. I tried to hide my breasts and period from him because I was scared. I felt like they were sick sexual things and I was dirty now and I started to self harm.

When I started to feel a bit more comfortable at 15, I got a boyfriend and also chatted to boys online, I preferred that because it felt like a safe distance. My dad hated me to talk to boys and said I wasn't allowed. HE'd snatch my phone off me and go through all my text messages it was really embarassing. He was very angry about it. Our relatonship grew more and more fragile as I got older. When I was 17 I didnt get much more out of him than a dirty, angry look.

When I was 17 I fell in love with a boy who hd similar relationship with his mother and he was very sexully and physically violent. I felt like my dad was just jealous of him.

Nowadays, I am close to my mum but my dad is totally disinterested in me. I have art exhibitions, shows and just got married and he has shown no interest in anything I do. my mum says she and him have never had an active sex life and now it is totally gone. I think my dad is a paedophille and it makes me feel sick every day to think of him, but I am too scared to cut contact from him also.

I dont really have any thoughts on it or questions I just wanted to share and see if any of you could provide an insight from your own experiences, I have never spoken of this before.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

He is, he was, he always will be. You cannot change the way people are not matter what. You never lied about your situation. What happened is that you didn't "know" if what was happening was "supposed" to happen, if you understand my meaning.
I wouldn't worry about your father anymore as he no longer is a part of your life. He is dead issue as far as you are concerned and to confront him about his pedophilia would make everything explode in your face. YOU YOU YOU need to concentrate on YOU YOU YOU; your pain, your anger, your violations, your successes and your joys. Just be with your Mom and ask that Dad never be a part of your life ever again because of his attitude (literally).

However, I do think that, to protect others, that your minister or someone should know.
Love and hugs.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

When I was a younger woman I used to lie and say I had been sexually abused to my therapist because I didn't think that actually happened was 'bad enough' to warrant being this upset.

I don't understand where the lying bit comes in?

It sounds like you have been sexually abused. Sexual abuse isn't just....Well, you know what I mean.

Taking pictures, talking suggestively, etc CAN indeed be considered sexual abuse.

Are you slipping back into denial now? Is that what this post is about? Wanting to deny that your father sexually abused you?

 

[WillyKat]

I agree. I don't see where there's a lie anywhere. @isKismet is right about the picture taking, etc. Still abuse.

PTSD causes a great deal of confusion sometimes. We all struggle with it at times. You need to let the facts speak for themselves.

 

[Beech]

Sorry, I used to exaggerate it because I thought if she knew what really happened she would wonder why I was so upset. But exaggerating/lying about it didn't really help it just kept me in denial, where I have been for most of my life.

I feel like I've been sexually abused but because it's not as bad as other instances it doesn't really count (that is my child self talking, I don't always think that).

I guess I am confused a bit of why it happened at all and also why it didn't happen more. And then I worry that I'm blocking other stuff out too.

I feel pathetic that people can talk about much worse stuff with their therapist and I'm 28 and Still can't say it out loud.

Then again I am fine with talking about other instances that happened later on in life with rape and domestic violence, I think I'm so ashamed because it's incestuous. I hear voices that say, in their own way, that I am contaminated and poisoned. I feel like I am and that's why I don't want my husband or therapist to know.

 

[WillyKat]

@Beech, the thing is, it is every bit as bad as other instances. Besides, it's not a competition. Abuse is abuse. You have PTSD which proves that there was trauma, so the abuse was traumatic.

Why it happened? Several possibilities: he may have been abused himself, whether it was sexual or not I don't think matters much, could also be a brain injury. When you mentioned that he was like a kid with you says something instructive. Many pedophiles have trouble acting their age. That is fairly common among pedophiles. In any case, he likely grew up in a very dysfunctional household himself, never developed empathy, and probably has an additional disorder or two to go along with being a pedophile.

It results from a witches brew of mental illness with a heaping spoonful of evil.

I want to be gentile here without beating around the bush. He is your father, and maybe you have mixed feelings of loving him yet hating what he did. And that comes out in your confusion about how bad it was for you.

 

[ground crew]

My condolences. My exe had child molest on her list of traumas, it was bad for her. It saddens me to hear of such abuse. You are brave to face it.

 

[Beech]

@Beech, the thing is, it is every bit as bad as other instances. Besides, it'...

Yeah he did have a terrible childhood. His mom used to cloroform him and lock him in a cupboard while she went drinking all weekend. He was taken off her when he was 5 and sent to live in care homes where he was likely sexually abused, knowing the British care system. I also have huge issues with making excuses for my parents and feeling bad or sad for myself about things because I've always been told I have it very easy compared to him. I was never allowed to get upset or show any emotion at all.

I am just *so* mixed up about all of this :/ I think I also feel mixed up that some parts of my abusive childhood upset me more than this. I don't feel upset about it at all, I feel just sick.

Fortunately I took a step when I was 18 and made a strong effort to heal, not be in abusive relationships anymore and help others. It's only now ive felt a certain strength that I feel I can start facing up to it.

 

[WillyKat]

Sounds like you're one of the few to tell yourself that you can heal. And so you will, though it seems your having a hard time at the moment.

Re: your father's upbringing: holy crap! That's hard to deal with, but it makes the way you live your life doubly impressive: you have broken the cycle. Who knows how long it went on; it could have been several generations. You have broken it and that is something you can and should be proud of.

 

[Beech]

Sounds like you're one of the few to tell yourself that you can heal. And so you will, though it seems...

I've learnt through my therapist that everyone has different personalities which are different ages, so it's just a case of working out what they all think and why. Some of my personalities think I hve been abused badly, some don't care and some can remember better than others. But I can only really process it by writing and having my thoughts reflected back to me by other people. I am working on it a lot and my therapist is amazing. He has the same problems as me - schizphrenia and a history of sexual abuse.

I am a lot different to my parents, I have step kids and they confide in me a lot. Although I think sometimes I worry about them too much because I assume they might be as unhappy as I was at that age.

Sorry for my typing I have fake nails on that 'm not used to :D

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

It results from a witches brew of mental illness with a heaping spoonful of evil.

POINTS GO TO WILLYKAT....that is the best line I've heard in a LONG time....