Hi all,
I joined this forum last week after being diagnosed with ptsd by a psychotherapist assigned to my case by my SSI adjudicator. I've seen therapists and psychiatrists for almost 30 years yet not one has ever diagnosed me with this. I was always diagnosed with disthymia and major depression. I have a history of early childhood sexual and emotional abuse and have dealt with the fallout from it for the entirety of my adult life. When I read about ptsd now, I clearly see that I have suffered from it, off an on, since I was about 5 yrs. old. I've been on over 20 different anti-depressants, sometimes cocktails of 4 and 5 at once. I've been in therapy for the majority of those 30 years as well. The message from those closest to me is that I try something else or try harder, in some way. I don't have the energy, desire or mental capacity to do more than I am doing now.
I am currently living with my elderly parents and assisting them as their health becomes more challenging. However, I've come to find myself living here after losing my job, due to depression and hospitalization for it, and losing my apartment because I was unable to find another job after my disability ran out. So, here I am and, without melodrama, at the end of my rope.
Now that I'm here I'm expected to do many things including finding a job and assisting with all that needs to be done here at home. My mother is in bad health and is needing surgery and I have extreme pressure from siblings about her care and calling doctors, arranging appts., seeing to her needs, etc. At the same time, I am in excruciating psychological pain. But nobody can see it. They think I'm upset sometimes or depressed because i don't have a job. Not having a job is a symptom of my deeper issues, in my opinion.
I had a very high profile, high pressure job before my world crashed and burned. Honestly, I can't see any way forward or any way anything is ever going to get better for me. My mind has become a prison that I can't get out of. I have flashbacks every day and often actually experience the pain that went along with my abuse. I dream of death and am convinced it's the only path to peace. The kind of peace that has eluded me every day of my life. Because my pain isn't physical and obvious, to others it's almost non-existent. I have always worn a mask to cover it and nearly everyone who has ever known me has been completely shocked when I've let it slip and gave an insight into my world. I don't do it often as I can't withstand the inability of others to understand me.
So, here I am dreaming about how I might actually get a hold of a gun so that I can finally be done. I'm not in a planning stage or anything like that. In some ways, it feels like my destiny and that it's just a matter of time. However, here I sit writing to you about it because, in some part of me, I must feel that there's got to be another way. There has to be some light waiting for me in this life, I just don't know how to find it and get to it. So, I send this message out into the universe and you, hoping someone somewhere can tell me they know where I'm at and that they've gotten through it and their life is now full of light and peace and a sense of purpose.
Thank you so much for reading this...
Annie
I joined this forum last week after being diagnosed with ptsd by a psychotherapist assigned to my case by my SSI adjudicator. I've seen therapists and psychiatrists for almost 30 years yet not one has ever diagnosed me with this. I was always diagnosed with disthymia and major depression. I have a history of early childhood sexual and emotional abuse and have dealt with the fallout from it for the entirety of my adult life. When I read about ptsd now, I clearly see that I have suffered from it, off an on, since I was about 5 yrs. old. I've been on over 20 different anti-depressants, sometimes cocktails of 4 and 5 at once. I've been in therapy for the majority of those 30 years as well. The message from those closest to me is that I try something else or try harder, in some way. I don't have the energy, desire or mental capacity to do more than I am doing now.
I am currently living with my elderly parents and assisting them as their health becomes more challenging. However, I've come to find myself living here after losing my job, due to depression and hospitalization for it, and losing my apartment because I was unable to find another job after my disability ran out. So, here I am and, without melodrama, at the end of my rope.
Now that I'm here I'm expected to do many things including finding a job and assisting with all that needs to be done here at home. My mother is in bad health and is needing surgery and I have extreme pressure from siblings about her care and calling doctors, arranging appts., seeing to her needs, etc. At the same time, I am in excruciating psychological pain. But nobody can see it. They think I'm upset sometimes or depressed because i don't have a job. Not having a job is a symptom of my deeper issues, in my opinion.
I had a very high profile, high pressure job before my world crashed and burned. Honestly, I can't see any way forward or any way anything is ever going to get better for me. My mind has become a prison that I can't get out of. I have flashbacks every day and often actually experience the pain that went along with my abuse. I dream of death and am convinced it's the only path to peace. The kind of peace that has eluded me every day of my life. Because my pain isn't physical and obvious, to others it's almost non-existent. I have always worn a mask to cover it and nearly everyone who has ever known me has been completely shocked when I've let it slip and gave an insight into my world. I don't do it often as I can't withstand the inability of others to understand me.
So, here I am dreaming about how I might actually get a hold of a gun so that I can finally be done. I'm not in a planning stage or anything like that. In some ways, it feels like my destiny and that it's just a matter of time. However, here I sit writing to you about it because, in some part of me, I must feel that there's got to be another way. There has to be some light waiting for me in this life, I just don't know how to find it and get to it. So, I send this message out into the universe and you, hoping someone somewhere can tell me they know where I'm at and that they've gotten through it and their life is now full of light and peace and a sense of purpose.
Thank you so much for reading this...
Annie
