Just Sad

[Wolvescry]

I have been dealing with symptoms up and down often. After therapy and excersise and living healthy, among using the tools I have learned to manage this somtimes I feel like it will be all over. Like with all these things I would finally escape my own taunting mind. I will do well so long, but then it hits, the triggers, the shame, the sadness. The urning to give into the negativity. Agreeing that I am a burden on the world. I know my condition makes it hard for most to deal with me, and the guilt from that adds to the huge pile I already have. Sometimes I wish I can just rewire my brain, or forget, or just leave it in the past. I understand that some of these thoughts are powered by the ptsd. but understanding doesn't seem to stop to horrid feelings, thoughts and memories. Repeated phrases haunt my minds ear. Cruel words from the past, and my own just saying I am sorry over and over again. I was really bad the other day. Now I have been managing, but I carry this overwhelming feeling of sadness. Mourning the idea that I could ever be free from these pains. I am tired. It feels like a part of me died a long time ago, with the trauma I have lived. And I feel guilt for not being able to get better for the people I love. The only one willing to deal with my sad soul is My Love. And he does so much, and constantly push him away. He is so patient and kind and loving, and caring, I want to be a good woman to him and he inspires me everyday to try. But I look at how amazing he is and can't help but want to give him to someone healthy. The flashbacks stopped, but I am just sad, sad, knowing that it will come again, knowing that I am forever wounded, I want to be stronger.

 

[Seasounds]

I sorry for your flashbacks and sadness. Are you able to see a therapist or psychiatrist? With those professionals, I got wonderful help, when saddness ate away at my self-esteem and joy. Hope you find the help that you want.

By the way, you are lovable, at the times!

 

[Wolvescry]

a therapist.
Thank you those words mean something to me.

 

[franciemarnie]

It is true that understanding doesn't change the symptoms just like understanding a condition like MS doesn't change the symptoms. But by learning everything we can about PTSD, we can find ways to outsmart it or sublimate the trauma energy and release it or somehow begin healing in whatever ways work with us.

Although it feels so very very bad, it will not always be like this as long as you take what steps you can to heal - like with therapy. It is natural to feel very sad about this. I was numb for years. Although I don't like feeling sad or sometimes very mad, I prefer it to feeling buried alive.

I sort of accept that my life is filled with unpredictable discomfort and I have to work with what I have. I have found great relief at times with somatic release and mindful meditation.

I so hope that you will find relief and release from the grip of this thing called PTSD.

Net hugs if okay.