Just Thinking/wondering

[anonymous]

What if you were friends with someone who had abused children/people in their past, but you didn't know it? I mean, you know what I mean? Because I was thinking...these abusers have friends, and their friends obviously don't know. Ugh. Gives me the creeps thinking about it.

 

[digger]

Yeah, it's an uncomfortable thought. But I think what's more important to consider is what you do with that information once you do know it.

I find it more unsettling when people continue to turn a blind eye, bury their heads, make excuses, once that information is available to them.

I'm personally not convinced of the 'obviously' part of this in a lot of cases...

these abusers have friends, and their friends obviously don't know.

 

[blackandwhite2017]

In my step father's case, most of his closer friends knew about it and I suspect they abused their kids as well. You know, similar people tend to gather. One of my step father's friend openly shamed her daughter in front of all of us and asked her daughter to get out of the car while it was raining outside because of a very stupid bickering. I am sure it would have been worse if they were alone.

There were adult renters in our house but they didn't do anything about it. Partially it was because step father did not do much when they were around. Partially it was because our rent was cheap and they did not want to get on step father's bad side and got themselves kicked out. Partially it was because our abuse did not result in significant bruises or injuries. Partially it was because they were Chinese and were unwilling to involve in others' businesses. Partially it was because my personality was not very likeable at that time so they probably didn't feel like helping me.

But some of them did invite me to their dinners when step father was not home to provide food. I am grateful for what they have done.

 

[Ocin]

I had the misfortune of briefly dating a guy who after several months long distance dating revealed he had abused his step sister when he was 12 or 13. When I reflect on his overall behavior it seems he shared this information with me as a "test".

I was completely spun and had to go no contact just to finish my exams that semester. I tend to try to see the good in all people but I got a bad feeling from this one. Looking back I realize I was flying back to see him after the disclosure & my exams were done and I dissociated in the airport bathroom for over an hour. I recall hearing the automatic flush in my stall over and over. I missed my second flight. He reacted with rage about the delay (I had to fly into another airport and catch a third connection), cursing the airline for not getting me a better connection. I took him to a wedding and he intentionally embarrassed my ex of 7 yrs by adjusting the ex's necktie after I introduced them. Pointless, my ex was engaged to another girl at that time.

I share this to let you know that predators demonstrate red flags in multiple environments. This guy rationalized his behaviors, did not conceal his selfish nature and poor impulse control, and in retrospect, likely shared his history to evaluate me as a mate who would accept such actions in his past with no clear evidence of reparations so that he could feel secure that this history was totally ok. Reading the Overcoming Incest site really drove home the fact that I dodged a major bullet. I likely made the mistake of considering a relationship because he appealed to my guilt and imperfect boundaries. People who overlook the red flags in individuals like this have their own character pathology-- either they too are predators or they are weak and have to learn when and where they are vulnerable to permitting such people into their lives.
We cannot control the abuser and cannot protect all of their associates. Other people who met this guy around the same time also decided to sever ties not long after as he became aggressive towards a gal at a house party when they disagreed.
If you have not reported a person who harmed you, taking action is reasonable. I don't know if reaching out to current partners and associates will be rewarding or demoralizing, and may put you at increased risk of harm.
Just one opinion based upon my experience. Take what you like and leave the rest.
-Ocin

 

[anonymous]

I agree they tend to have similar friends - I witnessed that first hand recently. But I tried to look at these abusers as if I didn't know that they were abusers. I couldn't see much that would be red flags. Only sexual 'jokes' and short tempers, and 'pretend' empathy I guess. Ugh.

 

[Gamera3000]

My son's biological father was the first person I told about being abused as an adult by my oldest brother. He told me he understood, because once as an adult he was intimate with his adult niece, the daughter of a sister he did not grow up with. He claimed that she "started it" and that they were watching porn in the first place (why??). This guy was one of my oldest friends, and I continued being friends with him long after he told me this story. Back then I thought he was just understanding what I was going through and not judging me, because at that time I thought it was my fault and I guess his story was feeding into my feelings of it not being abuse and just being a strange relationship that I got myself into.

Many years later I dated the guy for about two weeks and found out many terrible things about him. I was already pregnant by the time we broke up and I do not regret that, since my son is the light of my life. But what actually happened with his niece is that she was barely 18 and had been abused her whole life by her stepfather. She contacted him again and he asked me what he should do. I told him to apologize to her and take responsibility for what happened. He did not. I don't know what ever happened. I have since stopped talking to him. He is homeless and and heroin addict and once said something weird about wanting to practice changing my son, which made me cut off his supervised visits. He was a survivor of childhood sexual abuse himself. It kind of gave me a glimpse into how a victim becomes an abuser and how at least this one justified it to himself.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What if you were friends with someone who had abused children/people in their past, but you didn't know it?

I have a nephew, who as a 22 yr old, had cyber sex with a 12 yr old that he knew was 12. Her dad went after him (awesome) and he is now in prision.

I have my opinions and the remainder of the family has theirs which differ from mine as like some how being family takes the horrible out of it. It doesn't.