Just Want To Go North Cont...

[Jimmy1]

Agree with Ned, don't sell yourself short.

You know, the first day of my PTSD course I sat in a room with other veterans. Some had been to Rwanda, another to Somalia. We all experienced blood on our hands even though we all may not have fired a shot. There was a mix of guys from infantry to basic stores personnel. But you know what, we all thought the guy next to us deserved to be there more than each other.

Always remember, if you served and have been in a combat zone and have PTSD attributed to being in combat, then you deserve to be here.

You are not alone.

 

[Aprooster74]

Its hard guys. I go from happy one day to being tore up the next to being angry. I mean how do you traverse that? How do you get control out of chaos? Iknow that talking about things helps but in the end I am the one that has to do it and it just seems like every time I try I lose. I understand bullets and I understand IEDs and I understand what it means to be a soldier. God, someone yells attention!!! in Walmart and I am locked up and saying Yes Sir! But this ... what the hell??? Who is the enemy? Who am I fighting? I love my Little one, My Mom and My Dad beyond words and I think about the hell I would put them through if I did anyting that was permanent, but the question is what good am I they way I am now???
I have read the books, pamphlets, and anything else I could get a hold of. I understand what it says and I agree with most of it, but what is the "click" what is the "spark" what the hell am I looking for???????????????????????????

I know that if my questions could be answered then the world I currently live in and the world uncountable vets have and are living in would not exist, but I have to ask anyway. I wanted to walk away from this site, and just let what will be happen. I cant do that. Its like leaving your buddy alone in that foxhole and I cant do that.

I am not in good times right now and that is not a good thing. I just do not undestand what is going on with me and there are no answers out there because I wont accept them? I do not know. I am just .... I am just....

 

[Ned]

I recognise what you're describing. For me, the first bits of progress were not even as definite as clicks or sparks.
Just little flutters, twinges of returning feeling. And not surprisingly those first ones were sadness, the funny little build-ups you get before crying.
But they were the return of actual feeling, and the rest followed in time.
I'm not running around laughing my head off, but bit by bit I'm getting myself back.

 

[Aprooster74]

Thank You Ned and Jimmy and Zipperhead and Anglesache. Do not tink tht I do not read or react to what you say. I would not respond otherwise. It is beyond words the meaning of taking time to reply and I dont know wha tto say other then thank you.
I wish I was capable of being more grateful, but as it is now I take things as they are. My world right now is so chaotic that from one moment to the next I could not tell you what is going to happen. I go from being a person with purpose to a person that just wants to go north (I know you have figured out that what I am saying is that I want to die, but thought that I should just be plain about it). Ned was right about the CAB not being any different then the CIB. My dad is Combat Arms and he is just as hard as any ground pounder I have ever met, so of course us support guys never met the standards. Even though he can relate to what I am talking about the scrutiny is still there.
I just told the woman I love with all of my heart and soul exactly what she needed to hear to get her to let me go. I did it because I would rather that she hated me for whatever reason let her sleep at night then for her to ponder from day to day. I can never explain that to her nor can I ever make amends for what I have done. Yes, it is destroying me inside beyond truth, but I had to ask myself a single question. Would my love today ever be the love she had before? It sounds so strange and abnormal, but in reality it is so true. Only a woman could explain it, but there was something different in what I do now versus what I did then and that is the whole point.
The strangest things happen that cause me to wake up and say "holy ---poop---" out of the blue and without warning. I wish I had the majic bullet that brought my wife to me and everything is better but I do not, so best that I let her move on and I see what the road has for me.
The part that I do not understand is that even though i think on a daily basis about ways to go north, she always pops up in my mind. She always stops me from going any further because I know I have asked her not to cry at my funeral, but thats like askng a tree not to have leaves in spring. So, what exactly am I doing? Did I tell her to go so that I do not have to think about her anymore? I don't know... I just know that everyday I want to text or call or go see her and I do not care whether she answers or even gives me the time of day but it has been a week and I just dont know...

Anyway, I am so criptic now a days that I will eventually lose those few responders that I have. Plus my jumping from one reality to another. So I know that here soon I will log on and there will not be any replies. It is the way of things. No person has the exact same world nor does one person matter more then anyone else. The greatest thing about a veteran that will never change is this. We do what we do and we have done what we have done because we all have been able to set ourselves aside to take care of those who could not do what we do.

Anyway, I have been told that I am to philisophical and that I talk in a way that most do not understand. I do not know. I just know that I am trying. What else can I do?...

 

[Ned]

The greatest thing about a veteran that will never change is this. We do what we do and we have done what we have done because we all have been able to set ourselves aside to take care of those who could not do what we do.
I do not know. I just know that I am trying. What else can I do?...

For someone who's 'cryptic' you make a lot of sense and it won't just be me saying that.
Mate, you are not about to lose anyone. An honest account like yours ignites that little spark in us cold-hearted bastards. We've got your six (or as Angle & I would put it, your arse is covered). And reply when you want to, no egg-timer here.
Now, pushing your lass away. Pretty standard, and being wired like they are don't expect it to necessarily work. And you may end up being glad it didn't. Just maybe. No matter how much you have changed, and are changing, she stills sees the bloke she fell in love with. Hence the pondering. Trying to get her to hate might be a bit ambitious, I'd settle for letting her be bloody furious, perhaps.
It may be obvious, but I know when you're in a shit-storm visibility reduces so I'll say it. You aren't about to go north. That she pops up and you think it through means a lot.
Look at what you wrote and I have quoted. It's a bastard sometimes, isn't it?

Just keep being philosophical about it, it is a good tool.

 

[Jimmy1]

I go from being a person with purpose to a person that just wants to go north (I know you have figured out that what I am saying is that I want to die, but thought that I should just be plain about it).

Hey Dude, just so you know, if you were to ask every single veteran here whether they have contemplated 'Going North' as you put it, the answer will be a big fat 'Yes'. I told you that you were not alone, and that goes for a lot of things. I often wonder why I am still here.

I still have two suicide plans and have told my wife to be that no matter how much good is around me and in the world, I still feel like making the ultimate sacrifice. But you know what, all you have to think about is something or someone that will be hurt and devastated. You know, Mum, Dad, Wife, Child, or Pet. I want to be able to play football with my grandsons and if I am blessed with a granddaughter one day, I want to teach her how to cook our family recipe for a special cake.

You see,the majority of us have had marital issues, my wife left me because she could not handle it, therefor your wife must have very thick skin and love you a heap, its her choice though isn't it. The majority of us have felt worthless or have felt like there is no purpose in life. I was in a senior position after 20 years in the military doing something I love, and it all fell down around me. Then I was just another number. These are all major symptoms of depression mate.

Just imagine your in a big long tunnel. At the moment it seems all black with no end, but with the right help whether it be medication or therapy, there will eventually be a pinprick of light which gets bigger and bigger, some days you will see the end, but always be prepared to be pushed back. Just remember to keep going mate.

Find some help mate, it is not shameful to be on medication or go to therapy, you have your whole life ahead.

In the mean time, we are here for you.

 

[Anglesachse]

listen to the guys Aprooster mate.

Hey Dude, just so you know, if you were to ask every single veteran here whether they have contemplated 'Going North' as you put it, the answer will be a big fat 'Yes'. I told you that you were not alone, and that goes for a lot of things. I often wonder why I am still here.

Like Jimmy say`s "Yeah" been there. 2 in the last 2 years. But since the clinic I have accepted that I have issues and a big problem. I could leave the misses today, she is good to look after herself, and doesn`t need me f*cking her life up. As for my 11 year son, He is the ones that stops me these days. I am here to cover "His" six. "Watch his back" I now realise that he needs me. Yeah there are days when I am a real bastard with him. But then I was always in punch ups in the army with my best mates, and we allways stuck together.

the majority of us have had marital issues, my wife left me because she could not handle it, therefor your wife must have very thick skin and love you a heap, its her choice though isn't it. The majority of us have felt worthless or have felt like there is no purpose in life.

3 years ago my misses disowned me, that was the last straw and I tried to end it there and then. she found me and had me put into a secure clinic. Took 4 coppers and 2 medics, 5 tins of Pepper spray, hand and ankle cuffs and they still had to cuff me to the gurney in the Ambulance, and give me a sedative to get me there. Spent 2 weeks in solitary, a further 2 weeks on a secure ward, before they let me into a normal ward to start sorting my problems out. She didn`t come a see me for the 5 months I was there. Just turned up now and again and dumped my stuff.

I was then due to be released, and thats when it hit me. "I need help" for f*cks sake "PLEASE HELP ME" they got me into a day clinic for 4 weeks, who then managed to get me into a Specialist BPS clinic, the PTSD was not the priority at that time. The BPS was so bad that I just could not think rationaly I was having s**c*d* thoughts and plans on a daily bassis and it had to be sorted first. I spent 3 months in that place and thats where I learnt my DBT, is basicaly CBT and a bit more so as to deal with the BPS. In this clinic is where my misses started to pop round and see me, once a week becomming a couple of times a week to every day.

I had just pushed her so far that she couldn`t cope and had to get rid of me for her own sanity. But she then realised that I had made the curve, and was now willing to admit I had problems and work on them. Not long after I left the clinic I moved back in with her and my son. And today, even when I am on a downer, she stnads by and helps me through it. why? because she and I now both understand why I am like it. And because why love each other and know it`s worth it. But (and there is allways one) I have to keep learning and trying to deal with the symbiont that has attached himself.

Just imagine your in a big long tunnel. At the moment it seems all black with no end, but with the right help whether it be medication or therapy, there will eventually be a pinprick of light which gets bigger and bigger, some days you will see the end, but always be prepared to be pushed back. Just remember to keep going mate.

It realy is a long tab, and by god there are a some big f*cking trains in this `ere old f*cking tunnel, and man when they hit. But the light at the end is there, we just need to learn to avoid the trains and we can make it. Learning to avoid them is, the Medication, the Therapy and just plain old ranting on here. I realy hate using drugs, last time I had any was just after the clinic, but I have had a bad couple of months, and I need a little support. Once I can function again I will be off them. So untill then they will be my solid ground where I can stand and fight.

Aprooster, you realy ain`t alone mucker, just hang in there.

 

[Jimmy1]

It realy is a long tab, and by god there are a some big f*cking trains in this `ere old f*cking tunnel, and man when they hit. But the light at the end is there, we just need to learn to avoid the trains and we can make it. Learning to avoid them is, the Medication, the Therapy and just plain old ranting on here. I really hate using drugs, last time I had any was just after the clinic, but I have had a bad couple of months, and I need a little support. Once I can function again I will be off them. So until then they will be my solid ground where I can stand and fight.

Life is never easy either mate, and PTSD just compounds it. I hate medication with a passion. After being addicted to anything that would give me a buzz and then breaking that addiction, I never even used to like to take Advil or Paracetamol for headaches. I thought I was travelling fine, but everyone around me thought I was really screwed.

With regards to the tunnel, occasionally the vacuum of a train will drag you back. Then its time to just keep on stomping.

If their was a magic pill for PTSD then someone would have found it. But the information out there is getting better and better and the medication is being even more refined with less side effects. You just have to keep on plodding mate. Don't go North, don't give PTSD the satisfaction of claiming another brother, too many have already gone.

We are mate, most times there is always someone online and I will always answer if you have a question.

Head down, chin up mate.