Childhood Justified Child Abuse..?

[Sideways]

I think a lot of child abuse (not just sexual, any really) had their abuser give them a "reason" why the abuse was "necessary". Like, "I need to beat the crap out of you because you're so bad" etc.

For me, my abuser was a member of the clergy, and I was given really structured lessons about how I was a "Whore Of God", and what I needed to do to fulfill my "special purpose".

Naturally my T keeps insisting that the whole story was bogus, and it had nothing to do with God.

But how do you ever really know for sure? The lessons I got were pretty persuasive, you know? And maybe it's my T's 'opinion' that I'm not actually a Whore Of God, but I'm still quite endeared to my abuser. I miss him. I want to keep pleasing him even though he finished with me when I turned 13 & never spoke to me again. So it's like I still want to believe him - as messed up as it sounds, I (urgh) want to believe that I am his Whore Of God, and that it wasn't just an excuse for the sex & the sadism.

How do you persude yourself that the justification they used to abuse you is just lies? Especially when you're not even sure that you want it to be lies..?

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Not sure how to get myself to believe that the reasons that I often heard for the abuse were not real reasons...

I went through a lot of blaming for what I went through, often from outside people... Just shit.

 

[Stickler]

You feel special and selected if you believe his explanation.
But what does believing it cost you?

Edit
Would seem to make you very isolated and a thing to be used.

 

[Mafia_Science]

It's never ever possible to justify child abuse.

It is possible to justify child corporal discipline.

For my parents, it wasn't discipline, it was full on abuse. I always thought it was discipline and it's fine, but this forum made me realize that it was in fact abuse, and really severe too.

Your abuser is wrong in a huge variety of levels. Don't miss him. If you step back and view the situation as if it were happening to someone else, maybe you'll see how in the wrong he was. A different perspective is sobering.

 

[Sideways]

@Stickler - my head's struggling to keep it rational & logical, but you're isolated either way aren't you? He abused me, so either it had no purpose other than to destroy my life & isolate me...or it had a purpose and, at least in that case, I learned how to be good at it...

I guess this is why I want to know how people get past the 'justification' and learn to accept it was just BS. Isn't it better if there was a reason, wven if that reason was monstrous?

 

[ms spock]

Learn grounding and centring. Work on things bit by bit. Learn self care, self soothing and self compassion. Don't try to do too much too soon. You will just get triggered. Take it slowly and don't over think things. The David Burns book "Feeling Good" is really important. Before you open up the past you need to be able to deal with the present. Learning how to refute distorted cognitions is really, really important. But it on the back burner if you can. Distract yourself with something else.

 

[Ocean5]

My brother told me he use to be told as child by our father, "he was a child of Satan." He'd f**king beat the hell out of him. Chasing him around. Beating him more, and more! Just brought back flashbacks. Most I don't remember - nor want to.

Father is also in a religious cult. These people can be real life monsters.

If you can find other views of religion, or spiritual beliefs, it could help.

Also, hard to accept - but sometimes you just have to accept your parent was some type of psychopath or sociopath. Can be very hard to do, and admit, but could help with healing...

 

[Sideways]

Yep, psychopath. And intellectually, I can get that means he didn't love me. Couldn't love me.

But despite the abuse, he was the kindest person to me in my life. I was a lonely kid, and he told me that God had created me "special like Eve". I didn't really even believe in God, and maybe he didn't care about me in the same way I felt about him. But I reckon most girls would have a hard time not being intoxicated by someone telling me that unlike all the other girls, God had picked you out and had created you special, just like Eve.

No one's been so positive about my special place in life since him. I can't get my head around how I can let get of being treated truly special like, despite the junk that went with it.

Painful, hell yeah. But more to the point, I don't know if I have the capacity to let go of that - the monster that treated me special.

 

[Friday]

The best lies aren't total fabrications. They're mostly truth. Which makes them feel true, and easy to believe. We want to believe them.

So let's break the lie down:

You are the whore of god & have a special purpose.

Off the bat? Yep. Half of that is definitely true. You do have a special purpose. :) Figuring out what that is? Usually the work of a lifetime, however.

Breaking down the other half? Parts of that can be true, too.

- If you love(d) god, want(ed) to be an instrument of god? That's hardly a bad thing in and of itself. Both the best and worst of us have dedicated our lives to god in countless ways. It's how we go about doing that which determines good & evil, yes?

- So then the whore part. What's a whore? Someone who sells their expertise / sex for money &/or power. So, straight up, that's half lie. A whore and a rape victim are 2 very different things. A whore, a rape victim, and a sex slave/trafficking victim are 3 vastly different things. Whore being miles and miles, astronomically, better than the other 2. Like all jobs there's a pretty big spectrum in how successful people are at it. Some of the best whores have risen to hold the same power as kings and queens; some have become royalty themselves, others have wielded near (or exceeding) that power as concubines, still others have amassed great personal fortunes, and countless other successes. As far as ambition in jobs go? Sky is the limit with whoring. As far as skill sets go? What makes a great whore is only in small part skill at sex. Reading people, shaping people, being part profiler/part best friend/part chameleon... Able to morph into whomever their client needs them to be? To be a great whore requires empathy, cleverness, compassion, security, self confidence, strength of will & character, and massive personal integrity. And that's hardly a complete list. A whore of god? Would by definition be the best of the best, yes? All of these facets are incrediably good things. Admirable things.

Whether or not you've chosen to pursue this career path, and in western society it's doubtful (cultures all view selling sex differently)... Aspiring to all of these things? How is that any different from aspiring to be a doctor or an astronaut or president? It's not.

...the lie, is that you weren't a whore, even if you aspired to be. You were a child, and a victim. That hardly negates the hearts desire, nor the wanting to believe that you could be everything you dreamed of. Of believing you were (and are) special. That you can become greatly skilled, and highly valued. That you have many innate talents, and can develop more as you chose. That you're clever, compassionate, have amazing strength of heart & mind, and much more.

So of course you're running into as much cognitive dissonance as if someone is telling you that you were never (good enough) going to be an astronaut. That the whole damn thing was a lie.

Nope. Great lies, the best lies, are built on foundations of truth.

Abusers? They take those truths, and twist them into lies. They take everything good & amazing & warp it. But the foundation is there. Take away the lies, and the good remains. It's just a but tricky separating out the two. Alright ya sick motherf*cker. What did you see in me that you built this lie on? The trick? Look for the parts you believed the most, or wanted to believe the most.

 

[Dana1010]

The best lies aren't total fabrications. They're mostly truth. Which makes them feel true, and easy to believe. We want to believe them.

Nope. Great lies, the best lies, are built on foundations of truth.

Abusers? They take those truths, and twist them into lies. They take everything good & amazing & warp it. But the foundation is there. Take away the lies, and the good remains. It's just a but tricky separating out the two. Alright ya sick motherf*cker. What did you see in me that you built this lie on? The trick? Look for the parts you believed the most, or wanted to believe the most.

Wow. Really good description of how abusers distort reality. This is why it's practically impossible for people to realize they're lying until it's too late-and something everybody needs to be educated about.

One of the psychopaths I dealt with built me up so much at first, I think it may be one of the reasons I can't let go. It's almost easier to accept that I did something to cause the change in him rather than just admit that he never saw anything in me in the first place.

Also, once you accept that they were all lies, you have to face that you were stupid enough to believe them. Ouch*

*Not that you were really stupid-like Friday noted, their lies are basically undetectable. Still, it's hard not to feel stupid when it comes out in the wash.

 

[ms spock]

Thanks @FridayJones. Great busting down of the nuances of distorted thinking.

 

[Ronin]

Personally, I'm past the caring point about helluva lot of it.

As in even where truths? Or truths that would make sense? They're not my truths, & I get to choose what's my truth and what's not.

Just because something is someone else's truth doesn't mean I'm required to buy into it. Might as well consider it completely not applicable and not something I want in my life.