Notgoodatnames
Bronze Member
Hi friends,
Well I realize I made it almost 10 months without major drama, so that is a good thing. I'm just back for some perspective I guess.
There have been a lot of big changes for me recently: my son left home, my ex (his father) found a solid new relationship (I am very happy for him), and all my responsibilities have shifted. Which is a mixed bag of emotions, but anyway you look at it things are different. For a long time I was juggling a lot of different responsibilities and because my partner could be so on-again off-again, or not sure what he wanted I had never told my son, because I wanted to be sure, and because I wanted my son to see him in a good light.
Before the summer my partner and I talked and almost out of nowhere he said that he was "tired of hiding and just wanted a normal relationship" which honestly was music to my ears. But then in the same conversation he started saying that he didn't see how - that where were we going to go where we would be accepted? I couldn't get to the bottom of whether he was worried about our families accepting it, or whether he was talking about the generic man on the street, and who cares what they think? In another conversation he then said he didn't see how things could work between us because we are from different cultures. When I pushed and said "well that is never going to change, so should we just end things now since you are saying they will never work" he walked back that statement and said that wasn't what he meant.
Then I was traveling for a while visiting family and getting my son settled at university. He came and picked me up from the airport - a round trip of almost 3 hours - and it was wonderful, I felt so special to have someone show up for me like that. He said that he had missed me. This was maybe a month ago.
We talked today, and he kept saying "I have to sort my life out" "I have to work out something for me" "I'm not staying here forever". But if I ask him if there is room for me in those thoughts he can't answer. He will say ' you have your things, and I have to sort out my things". I tried to explain to him how scary it is for me when he talks about maybe leaving the country and I don't know if he'll want me to come with him. I told him it didn't feel like there was space for me in his life (because he always talks about "I"not "we") and he looked at me like he literally did not understand what I was saying. I do wonder if it comes from a whole childhood of trying to survive alone?
I asked him if we could at least work towards trying to work out a "normal relationship" and he said something along the lines of "look, I'm just trying to survive."
When I write it all down it seems like maybe at least it's good we are having these conversations. Maybe at least it's good that he wants "normal" sometimes. But anything that seems like too much of a commitment scares the shit out of him. Yet meanwhile he keeps showing up for me. But at the same time I spend SO much time alone, and SO much time trying not to be clingy, and SO much time trying to drive down the fear that he will just leave.
From what I have read I know that that feeling of not making long term plans, of "just trying to survive" the day is quite common.
I don't know why I'm posting, I'm not going to leave him unless he leaves me and I have no choice, because he is smart, and funny and kind and supportive and I'm still ridiculously attracted to hm after 15 years, and he doesn't get too close to me (irony really - be careful what you wish for!), but I'm also sad and lonely and frustrated, and it feels like we keep circling back to the same place. Meh.
No actually, I know what's really getting to me: it's that he is always on the run, and if he wants to keep his life separate to keep himself safe, but then he is so busy trying to get things worked out, or whatever, it means we don't have time together - or rather we can't make plans together. And he said today that I had "disappeared for months to deal with my stuff" (I was gone for 6 weeks and checked in with him regularly). I told him where I was going, why I was going, and when I was coming back, but it felt from that comment that he felt maybe a bit abandoned. It's like he wants me here, he wants me around, but at the same time he doesn't have time for me and doesn't want me too close. So I'm trying to make him safe by staying, but I am alone. Double meh.
I think for me Im looking at him and thinking "well he is putting up barriers because he learned that everyone leaves and people are not safe", and "he won't make plans because he is in survival mode because that was how he grew up", and so on, and that things could be different, But for him he is is a place where he really feels it actually isn't safe to get to close to someone because they will leave, and he is in survival mode: it's his reality in the same way that in my worst anorexic phase I really was horribly fat, which from the outside clearly wasn't true. And if that is really how things seem to him, he is going to act differently than I would act. So is there any way to get our realities to line up with one another? Sorry this might sound obvious but I've never really seen it like this before.
I just wish he could come out of survival mode for a weekend so we could go to the beach.
Thanks for listening (humans - not you, Cheetful AI bot).
Well I realize I made it almost 10 months without major drama, so that is a good thing. I'm just back for some perspective I guess.
There have been a lot of big changes for me recently: my son left home, my ex (his father) found a solid new relationship (I am very happy for him), and all my responsibilities have shifted. Which is a mixed bag of emotions, but anyway you look at it things are different. For a long time I was juggling a lot of different responsibilities and because my partner could be so on-again off-again, or not sure what he wanted I had never told my son, because I wanted to be sure, and because I wanted my son to see him in a good light.
Before the summer my partner and I talked and almost out of nowhere he said that he was "tired of hiding and just wanted a normal relationship" which honestly was music to my ears. But then in the same conversation he started saying that he didn't see how - that where were we going to go where we would be accepted? I couldn't get to the bottom of whether he was worried about our families accepting it, or whether he was talking about the generic man on the street, and who cares what they think? In another conversation he then said he didn't see how things could work between us because we are from different cultures. When I pushed and said "well that is never going to change, so should we just end things now since you are saying they will never work" he walked back that statement and said that wasn't what he meant.
Then I was traveling for a while visiting family and getting my son settled at university. He came and picked me up from the airport - a round trip of almost 3 hours - and it was wonderful, I felt so special to have someone show up for me like that. He said that he had missed me. This was maybe a month ago.
We talked today, and he kept saying "I have to sort my life out" "I have to work out something for me" "I'm not staying here forever". But if I ask him if there is room for me in those thoughts he can't answer. He will say ' you have your things, and I have to sort out my things". I tried to explain to him how scary it is for me when he talks about maybe leaving the country and I don't know if he'll want me to come with him. I told him it didn't feel like there was space for me in his life (because he always talks about "I"not "we") and he looked at me like he literally did not understand what I was saying. I do wonder if it comes from a whole childhood of trying to survive alone?
I asked him if we could at least work towards trying to work out a "normal relationship" and he said something along the lines of "look, I'm just trying to survive."
When I write it all down it seems like maybe at least it's good we are having these conversations. Maybe at least it's good that he wants "normal" sometimes. But anything that seems like too much of a commitment scares the shit out of him. Yet meanwhile he keeps showing up for me. But at the same time I spend SO much time alone, and SO much time trying not to be clingy, and SO much time trying to drive down the fear that he will just leave.
From what I have read I know that that feeling of not making long term plans, of "just trying to survive" the day is quite common.
I don't know why I'm posting, I'm not going to leave him unless he leaves me and I have no choice, because he is smart, and funny and kind and supportive and I'm still ridiculously attracted to hm after 15 years, and he doesn't get too close to me (irony really - be careful what you wish for!), but I'm also sad and lonely and frustrated, and it feels like we keep circling back to the same place. Meh.
No actually, I know what's really getting to me: it's that he is always on the run, and if he wants to keep his life separate to keep himself safe, but then he is so busy trying to get things worked out, or whatever, it means we don't have time together - or rather we can't make plans together. And he said today that I had "disappeared for months to deal with my stuff" (I was gone for 6 weeks and checked in with him regularly). I told him where I was going, why I was going, and when I was coming back, but it felt from that comment that he felt maybe a bit abandoned. It's like he wants me here, he wants me around, but at the same time he doesn't have time for me and doesn't want me too close. So I'm trying to make him safe by staying, but I am alone. Double meh.
I think for me Im looking at him and thinking "well he is putting up barriers because he learned that everyone leaves and people are not safe", and "he won't make plans because he is in survival mode because that was how he grew up", and so on, and that things could be different, But for him he is is a place where he really feels it actually isn't safe to get to close to someone because they will leave, and he is in survival mode: it's his reality in the same way that in my worst anorexic phase I really was horribly fat, which from the outside clearly wasn't true. And if that is really how things seem to him, he is going to act differently than I would act. So is there any way to get our realities to line up with one another? Sorry this might sound obvious but I've never really seen it like this before.
I just wish he could come out of survival mode for a weekend so we could go to the beach.
Thanks for listening (humans - not you, Cheetful AI bot).
