Relationship Keep Trying Or Give Up?

[irisvgv]

Hello, everyone. Well I have been dating an active duty soldier. By November it will be a year. Both him and I met while going through some troubles from our previous relationship. So it's been a bumpy road. Within the year he has walked out on me at least five times that I can remember. About two months ago he was taking medication and he was doing great but he stopped the medication and he flipped to how he was before. He recently left again a week ago. Normally when he leaves he goes online to them dating sites. I do know he has been talking to several women. Finally today we talked he said he lost his motivation to our relationship but he is not looking to replace me. I have to agree and be honest to what I contribute to the problem. I was not understanding of him. He continuesly would tell me that he felt his brain just wont stop even when he was asleep and me being next to him gave him comfort. I ignored it.
Now that I have read more of this condition PTSD, I have come to be realize I've been nothing but wrong. We talked and he told me that yes he will give us the opportunity. Yet once I mention that my only request was for him not to have any communication with the women he has been talking on the dating sites and other social media, well he said he will limit his communication. And that he doesn't get on social media so that is cleared. Yet I'm aware of him taking to one particular female. I told him that I've been reading more and I'm more aware of PTSD. And now I won't be walking blind and unaware of how to interact with him. Any advice?

 

[Ronin]

Well, maybe give him space.

Him talking to other women isn't by default intrusion on your relationship.

It's him socializing. So consider that: He's trying to do the f*cking difficult thing that's interacting with other people, even where bloody difficult. Support him in socializing he is able to do, instead of telling him to stop. For one.

 

[rosey]

Well if he will only limit contact with other women I would say walk now.

I am sure if you were talking to other men that would be a deal breaker.

Him having ptsd is not an excuse to behave in that manner and you are not helping yourself or him by turning a blind eye to it.

If you are not happy for him to talk to other women then it will only ever eat away at your relationship, you will wonder what he is up to when he is on the phone, pc, or tablet. If he knows you want a fully exclusive relationship then he should respect that.

That he has even done that in the first place proves that he is not trustworthy. I am sure that you do provide great comfort too him but it does not seem he can offer that back to you.

Sorry to say it but it does not seem that he knows what an equal relationship is and is using his ptsd as a convenient excuse to have his cake and eat it.

 

[rosey]

Well, maybe give him space.

Him talking to other women isn't by default intrusion on your relationship....

I would agree with that but it is a dating website he is on right? that puts a different slant on in. there are plently of just social chats available (here for one) he doesnt need to be on one that is about meeting women.

 

[Justmehere]

Yet I'm aware of him taking to one particular female. I told him that I've been reading more and I'm more aware of PTSD. And now I won't be walking blind and unaware of how to interact with him. Any advice?

What do you mean by him talking to one particular female and how are you aware of this? If's a co-worker or something like just small talk with some random person in line at the market, then that's one thing. If he's in contact with someone through a dating site or hitting on other women and trying to pick them up at the market, that a totally different kind of situation.

If it is one of the women through the dating site, how do you know he still has contact with them? Is it through your own profile? Or did he give you access to his?

 

[Ronin]

he doesnt need to be on one that is about meeting women.

Yeah you're right, but maybe he just wants an intelligent companion he can talk sensible with, instead of frankly often immature people on the common social sites? It may be an interest thing, as opposed to romantic interest thing.

 

[rosey]

Yeah you're right, but maybe he just wants an intelligent companion he can talk sensible with, instead of...

Yes you are right but you get immature on all sites. it just to me doesn't seem appropriate to be on dating websites if you are in a committed relationship, that seems disrespectful and I am sure most people would take issue to their partner being on one. If i knew how to set up a poll I would be tempted. if both involved are happy with it than fine.

 

[Justmehere]

Hello, everyone. Well I have been dating an active duty soldier. By November it will be a year. Both him and I met while going through some troubles from our previous relationship. So it's been a bumpy road. Within the year he has walked out on me at least five times that I can remember. About two months ago he was taking medication and he was doing great but he stopped the medication and he flipped to how he was before. He recently left again a week ago. Normally when he leaves he goes online to them dating sites. I do know he has been talking to several women.

I think that's fine for him to engage in relationships with others if he breaks up with you, and does so clearly.

I think this is the bigger issue: he keeps walking out on you. 5 times in one year is a lot. I assume this means he ends the relationship or otherwise suddenly abandons you. I think this has created enough distrust for you about him really being there for you and really being invested in making this work, that it would be a real challenge to move forward towards trusting him more, and that you are now looking for any new possible reasons to distrust him.

Yet once I mention that my only request was for him not to have any communication with the women he has been talking on the dating sites and other social media, well he said he will limit his communication

How clearly did you mention this? Does he know this is a deal breaker for you? The way you describe it here indicates you didn't want ANY communication, but he agreed to limit his communication. Based on this limited info, this situation *might* be partly a misunderstanding, because no communication and limited communication are two different things.

If he's made a commitment to only date you and he has expressed he is committed to have zero contact with anyone through the dating site, and this is verified communication with another woman he connected with through the dating site, then that's shady and dishonest. PTSD is no excuse to be shady and dishonest.

I think overall, PTSD or not, looking at the overall pattern of the past year, he's demonstrating he's not in a place yet to fully commit to dating you alone on a long term basis. He could be doing this to run from the trauma and instead run towards chaos and escape... Hard to say. It takes time to undo those kinds of behaviors and deal with what someone is running from, but he may or may not be ready or able to make those changes right now.

We can focus on his struggle, which is real, but I think you might have your own battle too in this. (everyone has a battle or struggle of some kind.) You mentioned a past relationship that was difficult and coming out of that relationship you got into this one, where there is a lot of instability and circumstances that make it hard to trust and grow close to your partner. I wonder if you keep restarting the relationship with him because there is some element to this that this is familiar or it's easier to keep your partner at a distance because he's so unstable in his commitment to you - and you have picked this over the very real risks of growing close to someone who can be close to you in a steady and consistent way.

It might be time to take some space not as much because of whatever is going on for him, but some time for you to heal from the past. Therapy and/or other support might be something worth considering. You are deserving of consistent support in your own process of moving forward in your own life.

 

[Gs172003]

Walk away. It's not worth it. Five times? In a year?

 

[mamachick]

All the above are good responses. What came to my mind is what justmehere posted about the possibility he is following some chaos to escape pain, but not excusable for his partner. In the past, I have not spent much time around the addicted community, but have more recently. I hear from many how they have used sex as a drug, and often not sex itself, but even often the excitement of the flirting, the chase, the secret, basically chaos as justmehere stated.

I can see why and how traumatized people do this. I have done the dance of pursue -withdraw (for lack of better term) at times to avoid pain. Though I haven't done so while in a relationship, it just hasn't felt healthy even though I was not in a relationship. Having had adult relationships without ptsd (I think anyway), it feels gamey or something where I want genuine friendships.

I agree that walking out 5 times is a lot. It is not the kind of drama I would like and I personally don't think that is healthy for anyone, it keeps you off balance. You said you have a role in all of this. I agree, taking the time to seek counseling and sorting through your own stuff sounds like the opportunity has presented itself.

 

[mamachick]

Missy-I like that you tell it like you see it....short and sweet. Will you counsel me? lol I mean it, I need a kick in the pants. Sometimes I wish we had a weekly in person group.

 

[Powder]

PTSD or not, if you tolerate being lied to or having a significant other actively on a dating site while dating you than you are basically saying "Don't respect me because I wouldn't."

PTSD sounds to be a non-issue and an excuse for inappropriate boundaries.

You haven't yet described a single PTSD symptom from him, such as waking up shaking from nightmares or having to leave due to flashbacks. It's just someone being a d bag.