Keeping A Distance And Lack Of True Friendships

[wallflower]

I've always been aware that I keep a distance from others and find it hard to trust people. I avoid social events and I don't follow up on the occasional "yeah, let's get together some time soon". When my T asked me if I "fake" friendship, that question sort of stuck with me. This is something I'd like to change and I'm wondering if others on here have been successful in developing "true" friendships.

 

[doglover]

Yes and no. I became more social after moving away from a family member who contributed to the trauma but much of it is fake. I put on a fun-loving front, but as time goes on I do little things to keep the person at arm's length.

I'm working on it in therapy. Social interaction stimulates the emotions, and as my emotions were a source of so much hairy pain I have gotten used to faking those (or being swallowed up by them).

 

[just me here]

I just can't think I will ever be able to truly trust anyone ever again. So no, I don't have alot of hope for building any true friendships based on trust.

I trust my dogs to be dogs.

I trust my kids.

My wife gets alot of points for being faithful but I don't trust her to follow through on a promise to stop leaving candles burning when we aren't here, be sure the dogs have had a chance to releive themselves outdoors before she falls asleep on the couch with them inside for the night, or to tell me about things she knows I would want to know about but also knows I won't like hearing. Trust is built on the little things and the big things, she drops the little things and it kills trust.

As far as meeting someone new and making a life long bond, thats a ship that sailed years ago. I cannot see a change or even a reason for a change. It's been just me here for a long time now and it will be just me here for a long time to come.

 

[Barberian]

I haven't had a friend in over 10 years or more.

I was freindly with a few of the people that worked for me in the military. There are rules about fraternizing with subordinates so I had to keep it professional with them. I honestly don't even know what to do with a "friend" anymore. I don't go to bars, sports events, or any social gathering.

Not counting my social anxiety that keeps me at home usually. When I do find myself around others I don't enjoy being around more than one other person at a time because I often pause a lot when I speak. Others take this as a cue to jump in the conversation when I still had something more I was going to say. Soon the conversation has wandered off from what I was going to say, and it is irrelevent to where the conversation is. If anybody was interested in what I was saying, they would have waited for me to talk. So... I just walk away.

I've brought this up several times with my T. He hasn't been any help.

 

[mamachick]

just me here-sounds like you are able to trust, you trust your kids and dogs and it sounds like you trust your wife to forget the candles and letting the dogs out.

You said "my wife gets a lot of points for being faithful" and I think that is a positive statement that says a lot. The things that you wish she did and she does not do are just flaws that we all have, but not rooted in dishonesty, deceit, or malicious.

When something is important to us, we take care of it. It sounds like these things are much more important to you (and understandably), and she either forgets or is not a worryer or concerned so much about the dogs bladder and accidents.

My ex use to do our daughters homework when I was in school and the kids told. When I asked him, he denied it. Things that were delegated to him, he would drop the ball on-similiar to yours. That leaves for real disappointment. The lying definately sets up for distrust.

I could always trust that he would forget things that were important to me. I have always thought that "forgetting" so often is just a passive way of being in control.

 

[just me here]

Brat17-

I make mistakes and don't remember to do things I was supposed to do too. But not when it concerns something that is important to me. If it is important, it gets done.

I work early hours and my wife works a later in the day shift, so I am in bed hours before her so i can get my sleep.

We have agreed, after several times, that trying to teach our dog to be reliable about "holding it" or getting our attention is futile. She was a rescue dog that was abused and bred too early and she will probably always be skittish and not willing to hold a full bladder. We let her out, wait for her to urinate , and put her to bed in the cement floor laundry room at night. We have agreed that is the only way to avoid the ruined carpets that have cost us hundreds and caused so much aggravation.

So when I am in bed and awaken in the middle of the night to find my wife has not joined me, I feel that I have to check to be sure the dog is in bed. If I could just roll over and go back to sleep, I would be ok. But time and time again I have gotten out of bed to find her asleep on the couch, tv on, and the dog loose in the house alone. Sometimes everything is OK, but as I said earlier, sometimes she has releived herself somewhere in the house and I get to spend an hour trying to clean it as best I can and then rent a steam cleaner next weekend and eventually recarpet a room or replace an expensive rug. I wake up and I have to check, I cannot go back to sleep until I have checked.

For me, the urinating in the house would make it an important enough problem to be sure I was on the solution 100%. If not the urination, the cost would do it. if not the urine and the cost, the fact that I had made a promise to do what I could to avoid it to my spouse would give me the motivation. If not the urine, the cost and the promise, the importance of allowing my spouse to get a restful nights sleep would make it important enough to make it happen.

Evidently none of those things are enough for her, she continues to let it happen. Even when I put the dog out and make sure she goes before i go to bed, that doesn't matter when I wake up 4 or 5 hours later and I know she probably needs to go again and may be loose in the house with my wife sleeping away.

I have resorted to the last tool I have. I now explode with a furious rage when I wake up to find the situation. I don't like it, but I am hoping that this will provide the motivation that all of the other more "normal" motivations have failed to provide. My sleep, our carpets, our home, none of that matters, but maybe the fear of waking up to a very pissed off husband will give her what she lacks.

unfortuneatly, she is just unable to see that the worst part of all of this is the broken promise and the repeated promise and then the rebroken promise and then the repeated promise and then.....you get my point.

I trust no one. She gets points for fidelity, but that is just a placement on my scale of trust/distrust. No one gets unquestioned trust, no one.

 

[just me here]

Ah, what differance does it make? I have decided to trust no one after many many disappointments and my wife could be a saint and I would find some way to justify my lack of trust.

I am sorry for hijacking this thread, to anyone that read all of that, sorry and thanks and all of that but the question was have we found ways to have True friendships and the answer is no, because they do not exist.
Even if it was possible, it would require 2 totally trustworthy and totally trusting people and as a PTSD sufferer I can be neither.

 

[TLight]

Just Me Here........I get where you are coming from.

I too don't trust people, don't rely on them even though I have a chronic debilitating illness (Fibro), and likely never will.

Just another by-product of our originial programming. It has made us feel like we are in this world alone and we are the only one's who we can rely upon. It is exhausting.

I myself, wish I could change.

As far as your wife thing, perhaps if you explained more how important it is you get restful sleep and her different perspective is hurting your feelings.

 

[Journeying]

I've always been aware that I keep a distance from others and find it hard to trust people. I avoid social events and I don't follow up on the occasional "yeah, let's get together some time soon". When my T asked me if I "fake" friendship, that question sort of stuck with me. This is something I'd like to change and I'm wondering if others on here have been successful in developing "true" friendships.

I would say ABSOLUTELY but it takes time.

I am in my fifties now and have the experience of many years on my journey - actually I love my age because of that.

I'll give a quick summary of a few bits and show you what I mean.

At five I would run away from school all the time because I was so afraid.

As a teenager I never talked to my 'best' friend about anything personal-like which boy I liked.

I was almost thirty when my third child ran in front of a car in front of me. It was really hard but again but the only person who I talked to about how I felt was God.

I saw a counsellor in my thirties and toward the end of my thirties I admitted for the first time that my biggest problem was fear(I loathed myself for it) I had been abused sexually at 7 and in my late thirties also told my Dad some of what had happened. When he asked why I hadn't told him before I still couldn't say what was really in my heart - that I was afraid he would say I really WAS bad. Two more traumatic deaths and I needed a of of help.

I started journalling and then reading what was in my journal to a counsellor (swearing and all) It was REALLY hard at first. I also had time with a psychologist after another family situation arose. Little by little tho, over the years I have started sharing "ME" . There are many who have no comprehension of my journey but I now have some amazing friends. I've even started telling my husband things he has never heard before. And in the sharing I am growing in confidence. And I'm beginning to find real acceptance from myself and others (in spite of the fact I still struggle with fear )

My husband for instance, who is not big on compliments said just the other day that he has never comprehended my journey as he has never known fear like I do, but he has seen what it has done to me. He then said tho that he has seen me get up again and again and he quoted a line from a movie 'it's not brave if you're not afraid' and he said he was proud of me.

I think I've been a hard nut to crack...but I'm getting there...Just wanted to give you some hope...

 

[Meadowsweet]

I've always been aware that I keep a distance from others and find it hard to trust people. I avoid social events and I don't follow up on the occasional "yeah, let's get together some time soon". When my T asked me if I "fake" friendship, that question sort of stuck with me. This is something I'd like to change and I'm wondering if others on here have been successful in developing "true" friendships.

I don't quite understand what your therapist is meaning by fake.

There are aquaintances that people meet in everyday life, like work colleagues. And I feel that those light aquaintances are fake. People don't ask how you are because they want to know, they ask because its polite. And the phrase "we must get together soon", is just a gesture of good will I thought.

But to me, those kind of aquaintances aren't friendships, and I think its sort of expected to be fake. I know there are people who make friends with everyone, and are happy with polite small talk.

But for me, friends need to be people I can be as I am with. I avoid friends and social events because I don't think theres many people that would understand me being as I am at the moment. So I don't feel I can be myself.

 

[wallflower]

Thanks Robyn. That does give me hope. I think the main issues here are trust and self-image (and the fear that sabotages them both). These will be good to talk with my T about and trust her to know where to start.

 

[unalaa]

When I'm having trouble, I isolate. When it comes to friendships, my closest friends know when I'm having difficulty, but no one else does. I don't tell them everything, either - it's still too personal, even to speak of it with those who I feel closest. I have to keep a positive/cheerful demeanor at work and that sucks up a lot of energy sometimes and can really wear me out.